One dirty little secret

Here's a dirty little secret.

I don't really recall just when I first became aware of sexual acts.... but as far back as I could remember I was always aware of it, as young as maybe 6 or 7 years old.

Back then, before the Youtube, before Astro, and before DVD's, the only things you could watch was national TV and VCR, which our house did not have anyway. Since my dad moved out and was away most of the week, and my mother was too heavily sedated on her medication most of the time... I sometimes had quite a free hand in choosing what I watch on TV.

Now, back then also, TV2 was like THE channel to watch... Dunhill Double every Thursday and Friday night, Movie Magic on Mondays.. believe it or not, when there were less channels, the quality of movies shown were actually better. The sex scenes in these movies were also censored rather crudely so scenes usually go all the way until they start kissing... and would suddenly jump to when both of them are lying in bed naked, with the sheets covering their body.. all curled up in post coital bliss... I could never SEE what they did.. but I knew they just did something very pleasurable, and it involve a penis and a vagina.. and that to a 6 year old boy.. is already hard core porn.. Haha..

Then, there were the midnight Baywatch episodes.. Oh yes, believe it or not, they used to show it on TV.. and I remember watching them. Always with the girls running on the beach... left.. .right.. left right.. up... down.. up... down... mesmirizing I tell you. ;) I think my first taste of sexual seduction was with Baywatch.. The girl was seducing the guy over a game of pool, and just before she shot her cue ball, she zipped down her leather jacket to bare the maximum cleavage possible.. before bending down for the shot to the male character (and my) delight.... I didn't have a clue what sex was then.. but it sure got me feeling all high and excited.

I soon realized that these things seem to get my penis a bit erected. I was no where near puberty.. so it was never really at full attention (if you catch my drift).....but I discovered that by pressing my penis and blocking off the blood from flowing freely.. there was a tingling sensation that would end in my penis involuntarily contracting.. I had no idea that this was essentially jacking off... and that what I was experiencing was the sensation of ejaculation. Again.. there was no seminal fluid, just the contraction. I started to learn how to manipulate this. I'd often lie face down on the floor, I'd start to imagine all the sexy things I had seen on TV etc, and I would feel the swelling start. As it did, I would press my crotch against the floor even harder until the build up of blood ended with the contraction. Sometimes I would do it under my blanket, sometimes in the open when no one was around. I never know till today if any of my parents observed this behaviour of mine.. But then again.. one was too busy sleeping and being depressed, and the other was too busy screwing other women (which would ultimately screw his own life)

It wasn't until I was about 11 year old that I had my first real ejaculation (and if you have to guess, it was by jacking off watching porn). I started jacking off to porn at 11.. because I found my fathers secret stash of porn in his room. And when he locked it in a drawer.. I found his secret hiding place for the key.. and even made a duplicate of it.. He never found out. So when my guy friends started to ask if I and experienced pre-mature ejaculation (or wet dreams), I didn't know what to tell them. Most of them looked like they hardly knew anything about sex, hardcore porn or masturbation when entering puberty.. While for me, despite my innocent demeanour, I had been jacking off for quite some time to scenes of hot looking lesbians, 3 some's, orgies and good olf fashion hardcore porn. I didn't know how to tell them that I didn't have wet dreams because of all the 'day dreams' I have been having in my living room.

By the time I was in high school, my mind had been filled with so much hardcore porn (thanks to my dad's rather extensive collection), I was only too aware of the blossoming young girls around me, and that was where my habit of imagining other females in their nakedness began. I started fantasizing about how it would be like to have sex with them.. or how it would feel like to have sex at all....

Then there was also the issue of size, or the lack of it. Having never seen any other adult male penis before, I never really knew what to expect. For one.. nearly all the men in pornos have circumcised dicks.... and nearly all of them were rather well endowed with length, girth or both.
Is resulted in me having some... ahem..., doubts over just how big my dick was supposed to get. This of course relates to men's eternal obsession over the size of their manhood. I mean, at 13, you think "Hey, I've just hit puberty... its just starting.. maybe it will 'come of age' in a few years... bu they you reach 16, and you start to think "Erm.. what? That's it? Come on!"... I was of course measuring to impossible standards. I had come to expect that everyone man's cock should be the size of a small baton. And my baton was... let just say.... smaller than I'd hope but good enough to do the job OK.. :p.. There was no comfort to be found online or through research when I found out that the average penis size of orientals (such as yours truly) were consistently at the lower end of the band (see study). All my Malay and Indian friends had a great time joking about it.. Thank goodness no one was crazy enough to have a 'show and tell' comparison among friends.

And what's the deal with circumcision and foreskin? Friends who did circumcise said the rest of us were 'dirty' or that circumcision gave women more pleasure! The nerve! Plus, circumcised cocks look the way cocks are supposed to look while the rest of us had 'turtle heads'...Geeezz.. that sure gave me some pretty lasting self esteem issues to deal with. I mean.... When in puberty, we all need time to adjust to our changing bodies... having this issue of torpedo vs turtle head kinda just made it worse. I pour over online articles and forums just trying to find out what was the deal with circumcision and if there was indeed any significance to it.. Some people said foreskin enhanced sensitivity and pleasure and gave it a natural layer of protection.. others said circumcision gave men better endurance and was more hygienic...And I thought only women had complicated issues to deal with during puberty..

Of course, till today, I can't really be really 100% sure if women find men with monster cocks more a turn on the way we men find women with bigger breast a turn on. Or if having a foreskin is any issue at all... If you follow what porn movies tell you, you need to have a circumcised 8 inch cock to be able to get laid by women, or you need to be black.. then which your cock is 10 inch by default. S0, there I was at 16, still hoping my body would eventually grown into what I thought was the norm. You'd think that only women wish to become physically desirable to men... but the truth was..... I wished for the same thing too throughout my teen years. Just like how I looked lustily upon a beautiful woman, I too had fantasies about being looked at in the same way by women. I think watching too much porno made me imagine every real life scenario could potentially turn into something sexual and that every woman had this pent up sexual desire for the men around them.

Of course, I was and remain anything but a stud. If you are looking for a 200 pound hot and muscular piece of man meat to be your fuck buddy.. well.... you'll have to close more than just one eye for me to qualify. Fantasies remain fantasies, and I had no delusions that women could ever look at me in that lusty way. I resigned my fate to being the ever loved but never lusted Mr. Nice Guy.

But hey, a man can dream right?

So there you go.. one little secret of mine I have NEVER ever told a single soul.