A lover that never was.......

I hardly have dreams... but I had one... a few nights ago.

I suppose its really nothing interesting to write about, except that in this one, someone unexpected made an appearance. An old crush.... More like... an old infatuation really. The first girl I ever fell head over hells over with. The first girl I plucked up the courage to try and call and make small talk with, the first girl that somehow, broke my heart despite the fact that nothing ever happened between us.

I was in some bizarre hall, with some completely random bunch of people, watching a performance on stage. My girlfriend was there, sitting in the back. I was floating around the room, talking to people here and there. I remembered everything immediately right after I woke up, but I guess with all dreams, you forget most parts as the day gets going. But one part, the most significant part of that dream, stayed with me. It's almost like the whole scene got imbued in my mind, become a memory. Only... it never really happened at all.

I sat at empty row of chairs, watching some sort of singing on stage, and then to my left, I realized... that she was there sitting next to me, exactly the way I remembered her...

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Heart shaped face, almond shaped hazel eyes, long smooth hair, soft voice. The same face I admired for so many years as I was growing up.... but always, from afar. Even now, so many many years later, the thought of her somehow still evokes strong emotions in me. We were in the same school, in the same class for seven years, and even attended the same private tuition together for a while. I used to steal glances at her from the other side of the classroom. To me, she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid eyes on. I'm pretty sure she wasn't perfect, but it sure felt that way to me at the time. On days that she noticed me, or talked to me, I would feel elated. On days that she was absent or sick, I would feel down and blue. Everyone used to tease and guess that I had a major crush on her. I denied everything till the end, something I came to regret later. I should have done something... but I guess at the time, I didn't know what people meant by fighting for your love. But I was also afraid. Because somewhere deep down, I didn't think she liked me the way I liked her. She WAS one of the prettiest girls in school... she had plenty of suitors. I didn't want to be just like everyone else. That's why I never admitted my feelings to anyone.

I was too shy to try and court her openly. It took me 3 and a half years before I plucked up the courage to call her to chat on the phone, and despite the language barrier, she somehow responded to my calls. When I called, she would into her room, making sure there was no one around before we continued talking. That tiny little fact was enough to make me shoot to the moon. She wanted to talk to me, ALONE.......

I think she knew how I felt about her. I somehow believe that women always know when a man is fond of them. I'd go tongue tied around her. I'd hardly even dare look her in the eyes when I first saw her. Just the thought that she knew and acknowledged that I existed gave me butterflies. I thought about her day and night....... Have you ever fell so hard for someone like that before?

I kept the phone calls secret from everyone else. I don't know if she ever told anyone. But despite it going seemingly well.. I stopped. I stopped calling.

I had heard from someone close to me, that she had said she could never like 'a guy like me'.... I didn't know what 'a guy like me' meant. But whatever it was, she didn't fancy it. A guy like me? What kind of guy am I? Too fat? Too boring? Too plain? Too nice? Too............. ordinary? I admitted it ... I AM an ordinary guy. There is NOTHING special about me. I felt like my whole world was crashing down on me. She just validated my insecurities. A girl like her, beautiful, admired by men, envied by women.... could never like, love or even consider............ a guy like me. I think till this day, I still carry that sense of insecurity. I still feel like 'a guy like me' could never be appealing to women, especially beautiful women, who could have their pick of men. I still feel like 'a guy like me' falls short of other more good looking, capable, suave, macho, fashion savvy, rugged and charming men.


I told myself I should stop liking her. I told myself I should start hating her. I told myself I deserved someone else.. someone who could appreciate me for who I was. I didn't want to like someone who didn't like me. And so I stopped calling her. I couldn't bare talking to her anymore after hearing what she allegedly said. And she never asked why. I could stop the calls... But I couldn't stop the feelings inside. Despite trying to hard, I couldn't bring myself to stop liking her. I couldn't bring myself to stop feeling the way I felt about her. I knew I deserved someone who would appreciate me and liked me back... but all I wanted was for HER to appreciate me. And so, I continued admiring her from a far, continued thinking of her... even with a wounded heart, even when it hurt so bad. I never dared seeking out the truth in those words I heard too because.................................I was too afraid that it would turn out to be true. It was easier to think that I called it off than to find out that I never really stood a chance. 

Maybe this was why I started ignoring beautiful women on the surface. Maybe I want revenge for what she did / didn't do. Or maybe I'm afraid of falling for them and discovering that they could never like a guy like me again, repeating my whole nightmare.



On the last days of school, as we graduated.... I took one last look at her.... from a far... like how I did all these years. And though I had deeply admired her for so many years, I gave up long before anything could ever start. I remember gazing at her and thinking to myself that this IS the last time I'll ever get to set my eyes upon her like this again. I knew that this was the end of it. She was the lover that never was...  She'll never know... how strongly I felt about her... She'll never know... how my heart ached for her all those years.... she'll never know... that I adored her much more deeply that all those other men, who were only interested in her looks, and her body. 7 long years I admired her from afar. I regretted not being more of a man. Those were the last days I had any sort of her presence in my life....

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And suddenly, here she was again, sitting next to me, in my dreams. And the feelings were the same. Looking at her still gave me butterflies.. and she was still as beautiful as ever. I looked at her speechless.



She reached out and held my hand...... and I stared at her soft skin and cheeks... numb. 


She opened her mouth and said to me "Go out with me.. just for a month. Treat me the way you would if I were your girlfriend. I just want to know, how it feels like... being with you. I'll be gone from your life after that.... I just want to know......" 

Numb


"but.... I have a girlfriend... and she's right at the back... and.... and...." I stuttered.



"And.... I dont care...." she said. 


I looked back at her, looked down at our touching hands.


"So this is how it feels like to hold her hand..." I thought as the emotions started to swell up. For so long..... for so long I stood by......



Maybe the thought / dream of it was too much for me.......... jolted out of my sleep. 

It felt so real.
It felt like I finally did hold her hand.
It felt like I finally did have her heart.  

Why? Why was she suddenly haunting me now in my dreams? There have been very few significant women in my life. She was the first one ever to sweep my off my feet in such a spectacular way, despite doing nothing. And despite not being anything more than just friends with her, somehow, I had reserved spot for her in my heart knowing fully well that the place will never be taken up. It remains there empty. Only a few women have ever completely swept me off my feet..... she was the first one. The second one, was blissfully sleeping by my side, unaware that I was awake. Would there be third one? But perhaps in memory of how she made me feel, I have been reluctant to totally erase this girl from my mind. Maybe that's why I dreamt of her... she's still there somewhere in my heart.... a shard from the past refusing to be erased; my first feelings of infatuation, obsession, heartbreak, hurt, fear. She stole my heart, kept it for years and she broke it into pieces... not knowing she ever had it in the first place. The lover that never was...... 


Sigh...........Why couldn't I just have dreamt of naked women on the beach or something.....




 

A past revisited....

The place I used to live... the memories that were made there...... I was there again.

Even after all these years... I could not believe that I could still be so affected by it, just by being there. Since the last time, I told myself I would never again return to this place. EVER. Like I said, its funny how life brings you the most unexpected things, good and bad.

They were just looking for a good place to eat, and though I knew no less that 3 places to point to, I told them this was my old home town and didn't know much. I was afraid to betray the thoughts running inside of me. In truth, it was much more than that. It was a big chapter in the story of my life as a child. I said nothing, I spoke to no one, and I betrayed no emotion as the car traveled deeper into the town.

There was the primary school I attended for 1 day, before trying to run away. There was the long road my brother, mother and I walked when we got kicked out of the house by my aunt 3am in the morning. There was the small grocery shop my brother and I stole a magnifying glass from because we wanted it so badly, but couldn't afford one. This was the place my family fell apart. This was the place my mother spent living on the streets for months with nothing but the cloths on her back. This was the place I HATED coming to every single school holiday, starting when I was 12 and old enough to know how to take the bus alone. I hated it down to my guts, but I cared for my mother even more. My brother hated it too, and he chose to stay behind in KL, enjoying his new found life and friends, trying to forget that he too had a mother who was living alone and penniless, needing love and care. I never begrudged him... In fact, I begrudged myself. Why couldn't I be more selfish? Why can't I care less just like my brother? Why can't my heart turn cold and hard, and not give a damn about whether or not she missed her children, if she had food to eat, or a roof over her head? Why did I have to care so much?........

Its hard to be thinking all these things and keep a straight face. Its hard to act as if this was just another place when deep down you know the significance of it to your life. I don't think I can ever come back to this town without thinking about my past.... a past I have not given much thought to since I started my adult life.

They say time heals all wounds..... and maybe it has. But even time can't erase the scars it leaves. They have become a part of me, of my history. People stop asking you about your past the older you get. Its only when you are growing up that people sympathize if you had it tough as a kid. Once you become an adult, people just don't really give a shit. They all have issues to deal with just like you and me. Life goes on and we can't live in the past. I believe I have moved on. But I'd be lying if I said I no longer carry excess baggage from it. So it is that I carry hidden scars that people don't know about and never ask. Unlike scars that are visible on the body, emotional scars aren't something easy to recognize.....

This place... this town... this house.... this is my scar. You can't look at a scar and not remember how you got it. People with bodily scars get to brag and talk about how they got it and in time, it helps them come to terms with it and accept it. That is something I think I haven't done enough of. Sorry if all of these doesn't make much sense to you. This is just me talking about it and trying to come to terms with it.