I can't do this....

I can't do it.... I can't be a pillar of strength all the time. I can't constantly be the the one to hold the fort, churn out the advise, or keep everything together.

My brother called the day before... We spoke for almost an hour... He's unhappy with his job (again), he feels dissatisfied with life and is thinking maybe migrating to New Zealand is the solution. He wants to propose to his girlfriend of one year and bring her with him. But she's not entirely sure. He's not sure if the reason to his dissatisfaction is in the people and place here in Malaysia or within him. He said his best friend was leaving to the UK this October to study a phD in Oxford. He felt happy for his friend, sad that he was leaving, but also jealous because he too wanted to go abroad. We spoke for a hour... as I left the office, driving to the nearby swimming pool. I was going for a swim, but ended up just sitting and talking in the car instead..... I said he needed to do some soul searching and find out what he really wanted out of life, and what would make him happy. Is going overseas his form of escape or a genuine desire to live a different life? Did he really love this girl? Was she willing to go along with this plan? What if you scare her off? Why do hate your job? We talked and talked talked.... and still could find no conclusion. I told him we will discuss more, over dinner perhaps next week.

That night my girlfriend was venting on and on about how she couldn't stand the immaturity of her younger brother, constantly relying on her to solve all his problems, as if she was his mother or something. She felt unappreciated by her brother, that somehow she was being questioned on how good a sister she really is. She felt that she had not done enough for her brother, thus his discontentment in her. She also felt that in work, people were antagonizing her, and saying bad things of her and nit picking at everything she does to find a fault. She said she can't stand working there anymore under an incompetent ward manager and an uncaring organization. Ironic really, considering this hospital she works for is supposed to be a 'non for profit' organization... I mean, it was started by nun's for pete's sake. How far from grace are they going to fall? She is determined to go to the middle east by end of the year, earn 5 times her salary and half the stress in a hospital willing to pay..... She was venting and venting, half close to tears, half angry enough to rip a phone book in two....I told her she was doing all she could as a sister, and that was all that was ever required of her.... She was not his mother, and she is not there to solve all his problems. The guy wants to be treated like an adult but behaves like a baby. Give him time I said... He will come to his senses, he will learn in time. For now, let the big baby be. Her colleagues were scared.. and probably a bit jealous. People can't always take it when someone younger, with less experience suddenly starts rising up to your level. It unnerves them, and they fell threatened. They nit pick and find fault because the better you are, the more obvious your mistakes seem. No one cares if a 12 year old makes a spelling mistake, but everyone would laugh and pick on you if your international best seller book spelt the word 'miscellaneous' wrongly.

The next morning, I go to work and by 11a.m, 4 officers from the Malaysian Royal Customs comes barging into our office. My boss was not around.. and no senior colleagues around, everyone looks to me to handle the issue. I invite them in and ask what is the matter... They demand to see all our company records, financial transactions, bank statements, import and export documents, shipping documents..... everything under the sun. When I asked what for, they said they couldn't tell until their investigation was done. Bloody hell. I tried my best to argue, plea, play nice, fight..... trying to stick to my wits. Its not that we are doing any criminal activities.... A disgruntled ex-employee had been sending all sorts of letters to immigration, labour department, clients and now, customs... saying our company was up to no good. I was under strict instruction not to give anything to this people. "Play dumb and don't give anything".. I was told. On the other hand, the customs officer looked at me point blank and said "I have the authority to cart away every single thing in this office. You can be nice and co-operate, or this can turn ugly.".... Damn... Caught between a rock and a hard place. I used whatever wits I had to try and keep it under control. FIVE HOURS later after a thorough grilling session, they left ..... with some files......(with a promise to return next Monday) but I think I kept the damage under control. But knowing how they work, they will most likely be watching our office this few days.. to make sure we don't try to remove any files... That evening I had a long talk to my boss...He said it was lucky I was there, else they would have carted half the office with them. I wanted to give this ex-staff a piece of my mind, and a punch in the face. I had a long day and said goodnight to him.

By that evening, my girlfriend had called me about 10 times with no answer. She had high fever, her entire body was aching, coughing... she was terrified if she had got the swine flue. Her colleague was in self quarantine for 3 days. She was pissed at me for sticking around in office so late, and not answering her calls. She was expecting that I would rush to her at first chance to tend to her.... "Now I know where you true priorities lie.." she texted me. I'd be pissed too if I were her. But that one line was the finishing blow to my streak of misfortunes this few weeks.

I drove home... dejected... deflated... demotivated.... My mind was numb.. I couldn't think straight. I can't do this. I'm not superman.....I can't be everyone's pillar of strength all the time! I just had the most shitty day in office in 2 years... I have practically on the job 2 weeks straight, I had to travel up north again to my wretched hometown again for the weekend and be back in office by Monday to welcome the bloody customs officers, I've had no time to spend with my family or friends (many of which were a bit pissed at me for turning their invitations down), my girlfriend was sick AND pissed at me, my brother is having a mini crisis of his own........... Everyone was turning to me to either defend them, support them or give them relief... and at that moment, had no idea who to turn to for MY relief, and even if I did have someone to turn to, I didn't even have the bloody time to go see them.

This morning, I woke up.... and for once felt like driving off to the wilderness instead of going to work... away, away, away from everything and everyone. I need a break... I need an escape... I can't be a pillar of strength all the time....