Johnny boy oh Johnny boy.... Be Still

Johnny boy oh Johnny boy,

Why the long face? Why the heavy sigh?

Let it go my boy.... let it go. As surely as you hold on tightly to some things, other things you just got to learn how to let go.

Why go down that road my boy.. why? Don't go down roads you know you aren't supposed to be on. Roads that you know come to a dead end. Roads you know only you want to be on.

Why yearn my boy, why yearn? Don't yearn for things that aren't supposed to be. Don't yearn for things you aren't supposed to have. Is it not enough to be happy with what you have?

Don't resent my boy, don't resent. You are who you are. Accept it. You will never be what you lustfully wish to be. Some things you are, and some things you just aren't.

Think straight my boy, think straight. You've been entertaining too many crazy thoughts. Thoughts that should remain just that; thoughts and nothing else.

Stop it my boy, stop it. You can't have your cake and eat it. If you try to, you might just hurt not only yourself, but everyone else too. Then what?

Don't covet my boy, don't covet. Though some things you just long to have, long to touch, long to hold, sometimes, it's just not meant for you.

Johnny boy oh Johnny boy,

I know your heart better than anyone else. I do. Everyone knows you're a good man. But I know deep down you feel like THAT is your problem. You feel like you're just too darn nice to do things you aren't supposed to do, to say things you aren't supposed to say. to reach out and grab the things you want without caring. I know you hate this part of you as much as you are proud of it. And I know that you hate that you just can't stop it either. You are starting to hate being a good man, and that is sad. You feel trapped. Trapped between being the person you've been all this while; sensitive, thoughtful, respectful and acting on the things your heart so desires for.You envy those who don't know any better, you envy those who aren't the wiser, because later when they do grow wiser, they can turn back and just say "I was a fool then, I'm wiser now." And all wrong deeds are forgiven and forgotten and they are praised for learning so well from life's lessons.

You could. You could really throw all the cards in the air, fling morality, reason and everything else out the window and go for broke. Gamble. Risk. Do the very thing you are so terrified of doing. Live your life with abandonment. And taste the glorious fruits of your lustful actions. Or feel the pain of crashing and burning in your own foolishness. You may decide you want to be a fool for once in your life. But even if you do, it still takes two to tango my boy. Do you drag others down that same road of foolishness with you? Who's the real fool; the one that doesn't know any better or the one that does but acts the fool anyway?

I know my boy, I know. I know you feel it's something special. I know your heart is not moved easily, and now that it has, your world feels upside down. I know you look deeply into those eyes and long for something more to be there. A light. A spark. A way. But there is no way. There is no spark. And the light you see is an illusion of your mind. You are hoping for something that isn't there. You are looking for a road that does not exist. The lights are dim, the music is in the air, but it's just you standing there alone on the dance floor. She will not tango with you boy, stop kidding yourself. You set yourself up for disappointment 

You're a tormented soul. But you are the tormentor of your own heart.

You're a big boy.... you should be able to take care of yourself.

Hold on tight. Weather this raging storm your feelings are pouring down on you.

Seek peace.

Seek solace.


Be still my soul. Be still.

Pissed, tired, horny

Sorry, I'm not in the mood to write about anything remotely interesting here. 

It's 3.30a.m in the morning right now, my eyes are heavy, my shoulders are tense, and every inch of my body is asking for rest. But for some reason, my heart won't settle.

Maybe it's because I'm disturbed. We just had first long distance argument over IM's and Skype. She was damn pissed at me.. over some stupid issues pertaining to her family and medicine.. which I will not write here (cuz I'm just not in the mood for that right now)... and somewhat upset that I had not informed her that I was going out with friends...

You want to know a secret? I lied.

I told her I was out with my guy friends watching a movie. That was only half true. I was in fact, out with A friend. A female one at that. And we had dinner, and a movie, the we drove around, and stayed out late for drinks before saying goodnight.... and yes we had a good time (or at least I think we did)

Don't misunderstand. There was no hanky panky. We were friends. This was just casual dinner. And a movie. Heck, she paid for dinner, at her insistence. Our appointment was made weeks earlier. She wanted someone to watch a movie with. I just wanted some company. She needed some help with her boyfriend's car. I just wanted to drive her boyfriends car (because I've never driven a car like that before). Perfectly harmless. Perfectly platonic.

But I lied anyway. Because it was easier that way. Her insecurities and suspicions sometimes knew no bounds. She'd automatically be suspicious of any women around me other than those already known and trusted by her. She didn't trust other women. She stopped short of saying it in words, but she didn't trust me either.

But I wasn't about to kick a fuss or complain. Let her maintain her distrust. It's OK. It's warranted. Because god knows, thoughts of cheating had already come to me very early on. Thoughts of screwing other women, and stating affairs and whatever else comes my way.......... oh yes.. they were there.... and I think I've been only too ready to act on them. Maybe I've just been waiting for the right opportunity and the right candidate to come along. Will I feel guilty? Probably. Is it enough to stop me? Honestly? No. I meant it when I said I'm sick and tired of being goody two shoes. This time, I don't care if what I'm doing isn't quite right, or morally acceptable. I find myself yearning. Yearning to feel with my body, the warmth and the pleasure of a woman's body. 

I'm not used to this permanent heightened state of horniness. Imagine getting a steady supply of tap water for years and years.... and suddenly the tap is shut tight. That's how it is right now. I'm high, and I'm dry. My judgment is clouded. My mind is polluted. Dirty imagines and thoughts have found a permanent place in my head. Every interaction with persons of the opposite sex seemed a more heightened than normal. Every casual brush of the skin and touch of the hand... more arousing to me than it really should be.

I also look at my recent few post was just wondering since when did I so suddenly favour using the F words so often and so liberally. It's probably an accumulation of sexual frustration. It has to come out in some way.... and in my case, it's seeping through my words. It's no longer enough to just say "I'm feeling horny." I need to say "I'm feeling fucking horny." It's not enough to say "I need some pussy right now.:" It's "I fucking need some fucking pussy right fucking now.". It just feels like the words not quite properly convey the emotion without the F word sprinkled (generously) around my sentences.

OK... that's it.. that's all I have to say right now. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning after a good rest... But right now? I'm just pissed. I'm pissed, I'm tired.... and I'm horny.


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhh.......

Messed up

Here's a silly observation...

They say eating chocolate is capable of replacing the pleasures derived from sex. Well, I just ate some, how come I'm still feeling horny? Haha...

Anyway, jokes aside. I'm starting to feel that way again... That feeling of wanting to do something out of character.. that feeling of wanting to be a bad ass for a change. You ever get sick of people calling you a goody two shoes? Well, I've been called a goody two shoes almost all my life.... and I HAVE been a goodie two shoes most of my life.... which is supposed to be a good thing right? Hence the word 'goodie'?

But for a long while now, something else has been brewing in me. I'm tired of being a goodie... I don't want to think with my head. I don't want to be responsible, I don't want to care. I want to have fun. I want to live (even just for a while) the care free hedonistic life where you don't give a shit about anything beyond your next drink and the next woman you're going to screw. I don't smoke, but I want to go out, buy myself a packet of cigarettes and smoke till my hearts content. I want to go to a bar, drink, meet a girl and have a one night stand. Even better, I want to find a fuck buddy, get a room in a nice fancy hotel and do nothing but fuck the whole day, THEN get a smoke. Then, grab a bite at a nice fancy restaurant, then go up and fuck some more. Yup, I definitely need a fuck buddy....

It's not that I have been 'pretending' to be a goodie all these years. I carry myself exactly the way I am. I don't put on faces, I don't act cool, and I'm not pretentious (that's not the same as being polite & courteous btw). I trust people. I believe in the good of others, and never ever wish harm upon others (even people I don't like) And I guess when you think about it like that, I am genuinely a goodie two shoes....... I try not to resent that too much. Being a nice guy has also opened doors for me... People think well of me, trust me, and listen to my judgment and reasoning. It has gotten me quite far in my career even at such a young age, I have been given responsibilities and roles that people 10 years my senior should be getting..... But that's not the point.

There is a balance in everything... ying and yang.. day and night. I think I'm feeling this way because I have been so much a goodie two shoes, the darker side of me is festering inside, trying to find a way out. It's starting to fester out through the small cracks of my personality. And though my first instinct is to steer clear of that line of thought... some other part of me feels like unless I let off some steam, and find a proper balance, it will start eating into me. I might start to resent myself even more for being a goody boy. I cannot humanly be all good. And though in my head, I know its wrong, and that it I risk loosing so much, the feelings continue to linger.. whispering silently at me. You get it?

I'm not about to change overnight.. and suddenly start messing up all the good things going on in my life. I know better than that. I have my family to care after, I have people to support and loved ones to protect and nurture. To care for them, I need to get myself sorted out, and I think maybe, just maybe, the key to that is not so much in striving to be the perfect person; son, lover or brother, but by stop trying to deny my darker side, and acknowledging that even a goodie two shoes like me is imperfect. The difference is, other people tend to just loose direction in life and find themselves wishing they had done better... I'm feeling like I've done well enough and need to start fucking up a bit more.

Damn... that sounds so messed up.