When You Looked My Way

You were looking my way.

I know. Because I was looking your way too.

You wore a tight pink tank top and denim miniskirt. Your bra strap was visible Your cleavage teased at me. The outline of your blouse hinted at the wondrous set of breast it kept hidden. Your skin - smooth and white, your legs - slim and sexy.

But it wasn’t that. It was your face.

I knew that face.

And from the way you were stealing glances at me, I think you knew me too.

But from where? From when? I couldn’t place it. Perhaps you were thinking the same things too.

Maybe we don’t know each other.

Maybe we really are strangers.

I’m still trying to figure it out.

Whatever it is, I had my eye on you. And you had your eye on me.

And we both knew, there was something there.

So next time, if fate brings us face to face again… lets say hello okay my dear.

We might just rock each others world.

A Complement.. Or Not..

“I don’t usually like Chinese guys. He’s one of the really rare ones which I’d seriously go after. If I weren’t already with Ricardo, I’d so go for him already.”

“He’s quite handsome, has a good set of teeth, tall, good build, broad chest, and just really really nice. I could just eat him up!”

And while saying all these words, the person speaking hand their hands all wrapped around me, body hugging closely to mine.

The rest look on at me. They said that coming from this person, it’s a huge complement… because this person rarely ever gives such open praises to people.

I wasn’t sure where to look or how to reach.

On one hand, I was seriously flattered. I never consider myself eligible or desirable in any way. I’ve always been Mr. Nice guy… Not Mr. Nice Ass guy. To hear this I could actually be sexy (or at least desirable la…) to the a nice boost for my self esteem.

But I had two issues.

This was also the same person who just told me barely ten minutes ago that they thought Bruno Mars was so handsome. When the same person tells me that I’m handsome….. I was thinking… “you mean.. handsome like Bruno Mars? Ermm……okaaay…. ”…. No offense to Mr. Mars.

The second issue was this. This person giving me this complement… was in fact… a DUDE. Yes, he’s man… a gay one at that. And he was saying all of this in front of his gay partner… who nodded to me in total agreement.

So ya… totally mixed emotions.

I finally find confirmation that I do have some sort of sexual appeal after all..but then I discover that the I’m attracting horny gay men instead of beautiful young girls.

Life...........always full of surprises.

of Gay Men

I’ve always been somewhat fascinated and curious about gay men.

No, not curious in THAT sense… but in a more intellectual way.

Like for instance, how to they work out who’s the ‘man’ in the relationship, or is that interchangeable? In bed, who’s the ‘fucker’ and who’s the ‘fuckee’? (Hahaha.. fucker-fuckee, love that) or is that interchangeable too? Do they really feel NOTHING when seeing a naked woman? If they received a blowjob from a woman, would it arouse them? Do they see themselves more as women trapped in a man’s body, or just men true blue men who just like dicks more than vagina? And if you were limber enough to do it, would you suck on your own cock? If you sucked your own cock, is that being gay, or is that masturbating?

Pop culture likes to tell you that gay men are all flamboyant, well dressed, artsy, well groomed and intelligent.

From experience, I’ll have say – that is so fucking true.

I only have 2 gay friends…. but they are both all of the above. They have an eye for all things beautiful. they have a certain flair and they truly dare to be different even if it means not being popular (or accepted). I can really picture them saying the words “You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same”

I will tell you very honestly that most (if not all) straight men do feel uncomfortable when dealing with gay men. Ya, we try to act cool about it, we try to go out of our way to show it’s no big deal….. but deep down inside, we’re all a bit uncomfortable. Not when we’re dealing with you, not when we’re hanging out with you, and not even when we’re giving you a big bear hug before going home. But when the two of you are together.

I was just listening to my gay friend recollecting excitedly about the little birthday surprise his partner threw him. He made this really sweet and thoughtful treasure hunt around the house for him to find his present. One clue led to another, one puzzled led to another before he finally found his present tucked underneath his bed. It was a really really sweet and romantic gesture… which even I had to admire.

As the two of them started talking more and more excitedly, you kinda knew this was quite an intimate little moment they were sharing. I watched the two of them and started asking myself “Are they gonna kiss each other? Is he going to brush his cheek? Is he going to hug him? Is he going to snuggle and say how sweet he was? Is this going to be one of those couple's intimate moments? My GOSH… DON’T DO IT.. DON’T DO IT…..”

Thankfully, they didn’t. I’d totally freak out if they did.

I don’t have a problem accepting people for who they are. If you like having other men stick their dicks up your ass that’s up to you. I’d still hang out with you. But I do have a problem with accepting a homosexual relationship for what it is. More so than I’d have of say people being polygamous or partner swapping or any of those things. Mainly because homosexuality among men does feel like something against the natural order of nature. I mean, check out your equipment dude. It’s built for something else. Hammers are used on nails. Screwdrivers are used on screws.. You don’t take two hammers and start banging and rubbing them against each other. That’s not what it’s designed to do…. And frankly, it just confuses the rest of the hammers… Get my drift? And what’s wrong with women anyway? They look good, they smell good, they have soft skin, they are gentle….. and they even have the right equipment!

But there usually 2 reasons why people refrain from speaking out against homosexual relationships.

The first one is that people don’t want to be intolerant. We live in an age of plurality and society demands that we are accept people of all races, colours, nationalities, religions and even sexual preferences. We argue with ourselves that if we want others to accept us for who we are, we should not and cannot in turn try to judge other people. Treat others how you would like to be treated – it’s a common rule in civilized society. We also live in a very secular society where there is no such thing as moral absolutes. The common argument is that as long as it’s not breaking the law, and it’s not hurting anybody it’s OK. To try to stand up and say that there are very defined rights and wrongs in issues of morality will instantly earn you the label of ‘fundamentalist’ or ‘intolerant’.

Secondly, and more significantly, gay / lesbian friends are often genuinely nice people. More often than not, they are our friends and…… good ones at that. My best friend in high school was gay. And when someone is close to you, it’s very hard to try and impose your prejudices on them. Our natural instinct is to accept them rather than alienate them. We don’t want our friends to feel like they aren’t allowed to be who they are if they want to continue being our friends. We never put ultimatums to our friendships. It’s bad enough that society as a whole rejects them.. what kind of friend can we claim to be if even we who know them refuse to accept them?

But as much as I try to, the sight of two grown men holding hands, hugging and kissing will always make me shift uneasily. Pull them apart and I can accept them individually, but put them together.. it’s always a different story. I do realize that makes me an ‘intolerant’ person.. but that’s because deep down inside, I do believe that is something called moral absolutes. There are things in life we inherently know are wrong.. like murder, cannibalism, rape and in this case… homosexuality. Unless you’re talking about two hot lesbians making out in bed – because that’s a different story!

We men…… such creatures of double standard. ;-)

Cheers…

Secrets....

I hope you don't have any secrets from me.... I don't keep anything from you.

I stare at her... completely taken aback. For a silly second there, I somehow thought she knew everything. But no.. that wasn't it. I looked deeply in her eyes. I am speechless. Two simple lines... and I am speechless. Again, I just look deep in her eyes. I see it. Love... Trust... Vulnerability...With love comes trust, and with trust... comes vulnerability.

Secrets... Yes, I have secrets. Secrets you'll never know. Isn't it funny that that would be the name of this blog? I am sharing things I never intend to share with anyone... but mostly from you. Strangers can know, bloggers can know.. but not you. You can never know.

A sense of guilt, of stupidity, of recklessness overcomes me. "You're a damn idiot, you really are. Why can't you just be happy with what you have? Don't you see the love in her eyes? Don't you hear the vulnerability in her tone?" I told myself.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with others who are reckless with yours.

That's what the song says isn't it? The song you listen to every single morning on the way to work you... Yes it is, you damn hypocrite.

I am insure what to say. I look back at her... I come forward... and I hug her long and hard. "I love you so much... there is nothing dear."

I lie.

There is nothing in my life I keep from her... except this. This strange little refuge I find in staring in front of the screen, divulging my inner thoughts and secrets to complete strangers who in the real world, don't really know who I am, what my life is like, or what I stand for. And yet, these strangers know my deepest insecurities, my darkest secrets, my lustiest wishes... but they remain that... strangers.

Is this blog that big a deal? Is it wrong of me to be keeping a secret account about my life and deliberately hiding it from the one I love most? She knows not of my blogging activities... and I happily keep it that way. The only ones I'm willing to share, are the ones you see on my Facebook.

The problem is not with the blog. The problem is what's IN the blog... thoughts that never see the light of day, things I do behind her back. That's the real thing I'm hiding, that's the real thing that left me speechless; the fact that I could love this woman so much, and yet still keep secrets from her. While she kept nothing from me.. surrendering totally all that she has, keeping no secrets.

It makes me feel like a horrible person. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Has harbouring secrets sexual desires and lusty thoughts become a barrier between us? Why do I have these thoughts and feelings? Am I truly unsatisfied? What am I really looking for? Is it something I just need to get out of my system? Or is it something much deeper than that? Is this a sign of a rot in our relationship? AM I the root cause of this rot?

Why can't I just be simple and whole?

I sit in silence, inching my way through traffic. I turn my radio off. I try to hear myself think. The rain starts falling, and I listen to the raindrops...... the words come back "I don't keep anything from you"..........I switch the radio on... full blast. I sing along.. as loudly as I can... I need to drown out the thoughts that follow those words.

Someone else's words echo in my head.. Something about trying to become someone we're not. Something about being honest with ourselves... Suddenly I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Sex is but a small (albeit important) part of my life. Am I blowing it out of proportion and making it a bigger deal that it really is? So what if I don't get any sex for the next 12 months? So what if I never do a one night stand or find a fuck buddy? So what? There's so much of other things in my life I need to deal with.. a mother stuck in a home, a father thinking of flying away, an discontented brother, an insecure girlfriend, and a confused me who can't even decide if he's really sexually frustrated or not.

Damn it....

Maybe I don't really need a fuck buddy. Maybe I just need a buddy first.

Encounters of the Other kind

I just had a flashback...

How many people have actually gone on to meet the people they get to know online? I'll confess this not so exciting little secret... just one so far. In fact, after my flashback, I remembered that I already wrote about it, five years ago here. (bloody hell, have I been blogging that long?)

Of course, that was all the way back in secondary school.... when most of us were all nerdy school goers and when playing truant from school, kissing behind behind the block and intentionally not doing our homework was DEE most diabolical thing we could think of doing. Geeky, innocent, carefree and simple. Boy do I miss being a teenager. OK, maybe not the geeky part, but everything else was pretty good.

Anyway, back then, being (slightly) more wide eyed and innocent, I never really thought or intended to getting down and dirty with unknown women. (I still don't.......as much :p). I really really thought I liked that girl. We chatted almost daily on ICQ (now almost extinct probably), upgraded to talking on the phone, and when we finally decided to meet, I thought that I was on to something.. I mean, there was a good build up of momentum, and for all intend and purposes, I THOUGHT she was being straight with me. For my part, I told her I was a square. I had no fashion sense. I looked every part the hopeless ah beng and just generally not the kind of bad ass all you ladies out there seem to be so fond of. I didn't have a web cam (this was back in dial-up days ok), so I never sent her my picture.

She on the other hand, sent me a small picture of her, face only. Didn't think too much of it at the time.. Two eyes, two ears, one nose, one mouth.... and had a rather pleasant smile. She told me she was 'a bit on the larger side', she told me she and her bunch of friends were all amateur model material... and over the next few weeks and months, fed my innocent little mind with all sorts of erotic details; of her older lesbian sisters exploits overseas; of she and her friends naughty teasing of men over a game of pool in their skimpy spaghetti straps and hot pants. Of men approaching them for modeling jobs a bit more.... I mean, all this seem WAY over my league, and I was hooked. SHE was the one who first brought the idea of meeting up, and I jumped on the chance.

I brought my buddy at the time along, all excited and nervous. Gosh, what if she didn't think I was good looking enough? What if she didn't like guys with squinty eyes like mine? What if she turned out to be this super hot, super cool and sophisticated woman, and me this geeky nerd who never even kissed a girl and couldn't tell between lip balm to lip gloss or what either was for? I was SO nervous that I would crash and burn and embarrass myself. But I had committed, so there was no turning back....

When I arrived at the place, and scouted around, I couldn't find her. I called using my friends mobile phone, and she answered.

"I can't see you. Where are you?" I asked

"I'm standing in front of the building. I'm with my friends. I'm wearing black. Can you see me?" she replied.

I turned left to right, scanning the place, and spotted her. I had hoped that I spotted the wrong person, but oh I saw her alright. She was impossible to miss....

"I found her, she's in front over there." I said to my friend in a disbelief tone.

"Where? I can't see her. Oh, is that the one.. Oh my God..." my buddy, as he starts snickering at me, barely containing the evil "aha-look-what-you-found" smirk he had on his face.

You know the feelings of having your hopes and dreams come crashing down? Haha... it came down on me right step by step there and then as I took those 20 steps towards her. I put up my bravest face, said hello to her and her friends, made small talk for the next 30 minutes, made a promise to meet up again, and got the hell out of there. It originally wasn't meant to be a long meeting anyway. We were to meet, support this little fair they were organizing and be gone...

My buddy wouldn't let it go for the next few months. He thankfully agreed to keep this secret from everyone else, but never missed a chance at taking a swipe at me (and not to mention blackmail) the next time the issue of meeting women arised.

I don't mean to be mean ladies and gentlemen.. but she was F.A.T. No... she was OBESE. I was about what 85kg? She was probably as heavy as I was! She was as tall as I was, about 177cm (taller that me on her heels) and definitely larger in built than me.... And her friends were all as big! She wore cloths and a bra so tight I could see all the access flesh on the verge of bursting at the seams.

I felt guilty for feeling this way. I didn't want to be a shallow guy only looking for hot women to befriend. I wasn't exactly your Mr. Hunky Six-Pack-Abs myself. But still I felt a bit cheated and mislead. Did I miss something here? Did I fail to properly decipher the part where she told me she 'on the big side'? She never told me her size, and I never asked either. It didn't really seemed like the question you'd need to ask a woman who wears spaghetti straps and hot pants showing their cleavage over a game of pool. I thought she was trying to tell me she was teasing them, I didn't realize she was actually feeding them disturbing images of semi nude obese women! I felt like sending her an email "Hey, was nice meeting you the other day. oh, btw, YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME YOU WERE FAT."

Anyway, it sort of fizzled out.. my fault perhaps. I made a few feeble attempts to kindle some sort of friendship with them over drinks in KLCC... But there's just something hard to accept when 1 man goes out and has drinks with 2~3 other women, all big and strong enough to break his neck. Its downright scary that's what it is.

After that, I just sort of gave up trying to meet any singles online. A bit traumatized I guess... This time it was just plus size women. What if next time it turned out to be former-body-builders-turned-transvestites? Boy would I be in deep shit if that happened.

So, a good many years later today, I hope I'm a bit wiser. Will I still consider meeting up with unknown women I met on the net? Yes, if there are any at all who are interested. I am looking for my Mrs. Jones and FUBU remember? But to avoid a similar experience to the above for all parties, here's a checklist for you to go through

1. Tell me you're fat and ugly. Even if you aren't, just be kind to this poor chap and lie to me. The prettier you are, the more your should insist that you look like a female version of quasimodo. Firstly, I can't take the pressure of trying to make a good impression if I knew you were hot. I'd just trip over myself make a mess of the entire meeting. Plus, if I go meet you fully expecting you to look like this picture, I couldn't possibly be disappointed even if you had one thick long brow across your head instead of two and a pair of crazy eyes. Get it? On the other hand, if you are fat and ugly and looked like the above.......well......at least you told me the truth, and there's no nasty surprise for me, and I'd already have my 'its-what's-on-the-inside-that-matters' speech fully memorized. :p Similarly, you should fully expect me to show up looking like the above picture, albeit in a bit more updated looking sweater, and just for you honey, I'll even comb my hair!

2. Lets keep the first meet agenda light and casual. Neither party should really be expecting anything more than a simple meet and chat to get an overall feel of the other person. You can go home and slowly decide what you think of me vice versa. Light and casual also means that either one can conveniently cut the meeting short if its not to their liking. For instance, I might not like the fact that you actually DO look like quasimodo and will suddenly have another appointment to catch. You on the other hand might find me as interesting as a newly installed toilet seat, and suddenly remembered that you needed to buy some sanitary pads before end of the day. I promise I will ask no more. No hard feelings right?

3. Come as yourself. Conventional wisdom would dictate that you put your best foot forward. But really, just come as who you are. If you are the girl next door, jeans and blouse type, that's fine. If you are the leather bound, whip cracking dominatrix type... well.... at least keep the whip at home ok. ;) If you are loud and chatty, be loud and chatty. If you are shy and quiet, be shy and quiet. If you are crazy and obnoxious..... well, try not to chase when I start running ok. lol. Its a major turn off when someone puts on an air to try to seem cooler than they really are.. and trust me, yes, you can tell when someone is putting on airs. A woman is prettiest when she smiles, and sexiest, when she is being her natural self..Remember that ok. Plus, the purpose of the whole meet is to get to know one another, not show how great we are. Express, not impress.

So, 3 small conditions. You think we can follow this little rules of engagement?

Cheers.

I need to talk... Dude

Do you ever find talking to people of the opposite sex easier?

If I'm being completely honest with myself, its a resounding yes. I do find talking to women infinitely easier than men.

Maybe its the whole guy ego thing getting in the way. Men generally don't like going all emo sharing our feeling with each other and stuff... We don't really know how to deal with it. All boys grow up competing against each other, or banding together competing against others. Sharing and communication were the means to achieving victory, like playing football. Girls grow up playing with each other.. sharing and communicating was the goal. I could never understand games like 'masak-masak' or play pretend.. How do we win? Nobody wins? What?!.. So you see, us guys... its not really our fault we don't know how to talk to each other. All grown up, it is still a bit hard for me to pick up the phone, call one of the guys, just to chat... We don't call just to chat.. we chat to achieve something! The only other time it's not awkward, is when you go out for a drink... even then, 1 to 1 seems a bit out of place.

Its not that I don't have any guy friends.. I do. I had a good friend in high school, who was really the first guy I could talk to so casually without our egos getting in the way. We constantly stayed over at each others house, we snuck out middle of the night just to drive (we didn't have driving license), and just hanged a lot, sitting in the mamak, chatting over the phone, insulting each other and just having good times... Of course, some years later, I found out he was actually gay... then everything kinda made sense.... But after the initial shock (and curiousity of whether or not this fella had a crush on me. We were so close after all!), I sort of came to terms with it. I accepted it, and gladly, still keep in touch with him. I also found out that he was never romantically interest in me.. seems I wasn't attractive enough! I wasn't sure to feel disappointing or relieved. What, NEITHER gender find me attractive?

My second best mate was my uni mate.... that was a more typical guy kind of friendship. We were always cool with each other, but we still did hang out a lot. No chatting on the phone all those thing.. we just did a lot of things together; assignments, shopping, attending classes, playing basketball.... everything except swimming, which I always and continue to do alone. We were tight, and I did share a lot of the problems I faced in those turbulent years. He was the only one to fully know the problems I had with my family, emotionally and financially. I knew I could count on him if I needed help, but our sharing was always kind of muted and awkward... Like 2 overgrown tough guys sharing a moment of tenderness... just doesn't work!

On the other hand, women seem to warm up to you the more you share those intimate, itsy bitsy details of emotional truths. I guess they are more geared up to connect. For a guy, opening up to a woman probably is easier, because there is no ego in the way..... and there is no fear of looking like a needy little cry baby... Its hard to maintain you macho if you start sharing about how your mother never hugged you as a child. Women tend to genuinely care about the emotionally well being of others... When someone shares something with them, they listen and empathize, and support. That is the purpose. For guys, when someone shares something... all we are thinking about is the solution! That is the purpose! Why else would one dude share and communicate with each other, than to achieve a goal? And that goal is to fix the problem!

But even then, I don't think that's the whole truth. Another dimension to all this, is sexual tension. Admit it or not, the biggest factor that pulls us to talk to each other is sex, even in a strictly platonic friendship. You can say a relationship is purely platonic, without sex or romance... but you can never say its without sexual tension... Not unless it were your sister (even then, who knows?) Sex is wired into our bodies baby.... and that alone is strong enough reason for us to be constantly sharing things with each other rather than with our best buddies. The sexual energy that exist when a man and a woman are close, physically and mentally really is a potent force.

Maybe I'm being a bit too dismissive, but with guys, if its not sports, business or sex.... there really isn't much 2 heterosexual guys can look forward to. Anything outside these 3 would result in us unintentionally sharing a tender moment, as mentioned above.

Its more enjoyable for me to sit down and talk with a woman than it is with a guy. With a women, there's a bit of playful banter, light flirting... and that undercurrent of sexual foreplay going on....... So, though on the surface, we are just having a casual chat, our pheromones are still at work, and true to our nature, it still knocks at our subconscious, telling us that this person before us is a potential sex partner. Isn't that fun? Our minds tell us we are just friends, no hanky panky, but our bodies are screaming for each other. I hope i'm not alone on this... I can't be the only one who looks upon 'just friends' with lusty eyes right? Anyway, I'll leave it at that.....all this writing about pheromones and foreplay is getting me a bit horny.