Messed up

Here's a silly observation...

They say eating chocolate is capable of replacing the pleasures derived from sex. Well, I just ate some, how come I'm still feeling horny? Haha...

Anyway, jokes aside. I'm starting to feel that way again... That feeling of wanting to do something out of character.. that feeling of wanting to be a bad ass for a change. You ever get sick of people calling you a goody two shoes? Well, I've been called a goody two shoes almost all my life.... and I HAVE been a goodie two shoes most of my life.... which is supposed to be a good thing right? Hence the word 'goodie'?

But for a long while now, something else has been brewing in me. I'm tired of being a goodie... I don't want to think with my head. I don't want to be responsible, I don't want to care. I want to have fun. I want to live (even just for a while) the care free hedonistic life where you don't give a shit about anything beyond your next drink and the next woman you're going to screw. I don't smoke, but I want to go out, buy myself a packet of cigarettes and smoke till my hearts content. I want to go to a bar, drink, meet a girl and have a one night stand. Even better, I want to find a fuck buddy, get a room in a nice fancy hotel and do nothing but fuck the whole day, THEN get a smoke. Then, grab a bite at a nice fancy restaurant, then go up and fuck some more. Yup, I definitely need a fuck buddy....

It's not that I have been 'pretending' to be a goodie all these years. I carry myself exactly the way I am. I don't put on faces, I don't act cool, and I'm not pretentious (that's not the same as being polite & courteous btw). I trust people. I believe in the good of others, and never ever wish harm upon others (even people I don't like) And I guess when you think about it like that, I am genuinely a goodie two shoes....... I try not to resent that too much. Being a nice guy has also opened doors for me... People think well of me, trust me, and listen to my judgment and reasoning. It has gotten me quite far in my career even at such a young age, I have been given responsibilities and roles that people 10 years my senior should be getting..... But that's not the point.

There is a balance in everything... ying and yang.. day and night. I think I'm feeling this way because I have been so much a goodie two shoes, the darker side of me is festering inside, trying to find a way out. It's starting to fester out through the small cracks of my personality. And though my first instinct is to steer clear of that line of thought... some other part of me feels like unless I let off some steam, and find a proper balance, it will start eating into me. I might start to resent myself even more for being a goody boy. I cannot humanly be all good. And though in my head, I know its wrong, and that it I risk loosing so much, the feelings continue to linger.. whispering silently at me. You get it?

I'm not about to change overnight.. and suddenly start messing up all the good things going on in my life. I know better than that. I have my family to care after, I have people to support and loved ones to protect and nurture. To care for them, I need to get myself sorted out, and I think maybe, just maybe, the key to that is not so much in striving to be the perfect person; son, lover or brother, but by stop trying to deny my darker side, and acknowledging that even a goodie two shoes like me is imperfect. The difference is, other people tend to just loose direction in life and find themselves wishing they had done better... I'm feeling like I've done well enough and need to start fucking up a bit more.

Damn... that sounds so messed up.