Johnny boy oh Johnny boy.... Be Still

Johnny boy oh Johnny boy,

Why the long face? Why the heavy sigh?

Let it go my boy.... let it go. As surely as you hold on tightly to some things, other things you just got to learn how to let go.

Why go down that road my boy.. why? Don't go down roads you know you aren't supposed to be on. Roads that you know come to a dead end. Roads you know only you want to be on.

Why yearn my boy, why yearn? Don't yearn for things that aren't supposed to be. Don't yearn for things you aren't supposed to have. Is it not enough to be happy with what you have?

Don't resent my boy, don't resent. You are who you are. Accept it. You will never be what you lustfully wish to be. Some things you are, and some things you just aren't.

Think straight my boy, think straight. You've been entertaining too many crazy thoughts. Thoughts that should remain just that; thoughts and nothing else.

Stop it my boy, stop it. You can't have your cake and eat it. If you try to, you might just hurt not only yourself, but everyone else too. Then what?

Don't covet my boy, don't covet. Though some things you just long to have, long to touch, long to hold, sometimes, it's just not meant for you.

Johnny boy oh Johnny boy,

I know your heart better than anyone else. I do. Everyone knows you're a good man. But I know deep down you feel like THAT is your problem. You feel like you're just too darn nice to do things you aren't supposed to do, to say things you aren't supposed to say. to reach out and grab the things you want without caring. I know you hate this part of you as much as you are proud of it. And I know that you hate that you just can't stop it either. You are starting to hate being a good man, and that is sad. You feel trapped. Trapped between being the person you've been all this while; sensitive, thoughtful, respectful and acting on the things your heart so desires for.You envy those who don't know any better, you envy those who aren't the wiser, because later when they do grow wiser, they can turn back and just say "I was a fool then, I'm wiser now." And all wrong deeds are forgiven and forgotten and they are praised for learning so well from life's lessons.

You could. You could really throw all the cards in the air, fling morality, reason and everything else out the window and go for broke. Gamble. Risk. Do the very thing you are so terrified of doing. Live your life with abandonment. And taste the glorious fruits of your lustful actions. Or feel the pain of crashing and burning in your own foolishness. You may decide you want to be a fool for once in your life. But even if you do, it still takes two to tango my boy. Do you drag others down that same road of foolishness with you? Who's the real fool; the one that doesn't know any better or the one that does but acts the fool anyway?

I know my boy, I know. I know you feel it's something special. I know your heart is not moved easily, and now that it has, your world feels upside down. I know you look deeply into those eyes and long for something more to be there. A light. A spark. A way. But there is no way. There is no spark. And the light you see is an illusion of your mind. You are hoping for something that isn't there. You are looking for a road that does not exist. The lights are dim, the music is in the air, but it's just you standing there alone on the dance floor. She will not tango with you boy, stop kidding yourself. You set yourself up for disappointment 

You're a tormented soul. But you are the tormentor of your own heart.

You're a big boy.... you should be able to take care of yourself.

Hold on tight. Weather this raging storm your feelings are pouring down on you.

Seek peace.

Seek solace.


Be still my soul. Be still.

I'll miss you....

The radio was playing gently, as I navigated my way through traffic. We were coming home from dinner.

The countdown had started almost a month ago, when she first got the news confirmed. I was so excited when I heard the news. "Oh my god, you got it! You got it! Exactly the way you have hoped for!" I said to her with excitement. I guess the euphoria of it all was still in the air.. and I was just conveniently shoving aside the implications of it all. It was what she wanted. It was what she had been aiming for. And it was what, I was supporting her in.

She was going away.

But tonight, I felt the looming arrival of that date.. the date she will be going away. As the weeks passed, the feeling of euphoria had slowly turned into one of a somewhat detached feeling of pending sadness, uncertainty... and mostly fear.

"A lot of things can happen in a year..." one nay sayer told us.

"You're putting your relationship at risk..." another said.

"Money isn't everything..... " came one more answer.
"Men shouldn't be trusted......" that was the worst.

Were they right? Is what's about to happen really that big a deal? Am I doing the right thing? Am I risking unnecessarily? What if something DOES happen in this one year? A part of me is fearful of what they say... because in some ways, maybe it's true. Maybe men CAN'T be trusted. And me being a man myself...... like I said, I wouldn't trust myself. If temptation came, if opportunity arise..... could I resist? will I resist? I shrug the thought aside... knowing fully well what the answer was.

Another part of me stares at these nay sayers in defiance. I believe in the foundation of what we've been building all these years. It'll take more than a year of being physically apart to tear down what we've been building for seven years. At least, that's what I've been telling people. I've been dragged down that road before.. that road of temptation.. and I've emerged from it.. victorious... many a times. I knew I could resist it, so long as the will to resist was there...

But even the strongest of hearts falter sometimes. And I did. I faltered. The one and only time I even did falter. And it was........... in her absence.

I reached out, and switched off the radio. I reached out for for her hand, and she grabbed mine gently. Our hands clasping in that familiar way.. and I held it, not wanting to let go. I remembered when we used to drive my first car, it was a manual car. I had to let go of her hand everytime I had to change gears. She would smack my hand and ask me to pay attention to the road when I tried grabbing her hand or rubbing her thighs. She would feign protest, and threaten to tell everyone how cheeky a guy I really was, but she would always let me hold her hand. Now that I drove an auto transmission car, I never had to let her go of her hand at all.

A part of me now didn't want to let her go away. Maybe that was why I was holding her hand again, all of a sudden. Months and months of encouraging and supporting. Months and months of reassuring her and everyone else that it was ok, I found myself unsure about myself. I was sad... I was confused... but mostly... I was scared. Scared of myself......................

A red light blinks, and I bring the car to a halt. I let go of her hand, and brushed her thighs again. I turn to look at her.

"You know I'll miss you right..................." I said.

There is a pause as she looks at me in the eye, as if she could tell that despite all looks an appearances, there was more in between the lines in that sentence. She knew I was never the type to start getting emotional so easily. I think it was the pauses and silence in between that she was reading. In some ways, I'm sure she knew that for one emotion I was revealing, there were so many others I was hiding, just to put up a brave face to make her departure easier. 

I looked back into her eyes. And I knew that it only took one word from me. One utterance from me, and she'd cancel the whole damn thing and stay, because I asked her to. She had told this to me, and I knew it was true. But she also knew.......... that I would never do that. I have loved, encouraged, supported, argued, debated, fussed and fought with her... But she knew I'd never order her. I knew that she freely gave me a big say in a lot of the things she did. I knew she'd listen to what I say. But  I loved her too much to try to take away her individuality.

"I'll miss you too... " she replied.

I look to the front as the light turns green and the cars start moving again. The silence continues as I gently stroked the back of her palm.

"You don't like that la......... Make me feel so....... " as she pulls her hands to her chest and rest them on her heart.

I got the message. There was a reason I avoid getting overly emotional with her in critical times. I don't think she could handle the sight of me completely breaking down emotionally. It has always been her the emotional one, I the level headed one. She the over reacting one, me the voice of reason. I knew I had to be the stronger one emotionally. I knew even if it was just a front.... I had to be the braver one, for her sake.

I look at her and smile... "No la.. just saying only.... " in a considerably more lighthearted tone.. "after all, who am I going to ham sap with while you're gone? Unless you don't mind la, I go look for my mistress.... "

"Hmmphh!!!" she says as she crosses her arms..

"Don't you know? She's only the second prettiest girl after you..." I reply. 

"And who would that be?".....

"Andrea Fonseka...." I said.

"You aarrrr.... So yam! So ham sap.. forever with your Andrea Fonseka... Go marry her la u..." she starts ranting away, fully aware of my open adoration for the former beauty queen, one of the very few celebrities I actually like.

"Not marry la.. Mistress only. " I shoot back.

"People don't want you also la.... " she says back.

There will be plenty of time to think of those things again... but right now, I had to enjoy moments I was living right now. I smile a big cheeky smile at her again... and she pulls my ear in jest, and she forgets all about the vulnerable moment we had earlier. I turn up the radio again and speed down the road.... burying those thoughts for a while longer.

Me & Mrs. Jones

I flipped the CD book page by page, looking for a specific CD. On the 3rd page, I find it. Michael Buble's Call Me Irresponsible album... but I wasn't interest the whole CD, just ONE song... I've always had the bad habit of being a song picker, and right now, I was in the mood for that old time favourite of mine...

Alone in my car, I put the CD in, select the track, recline my chair and close my eyes in anticipation... The smooth sounds of the guitar and piano come on...biting my lips, I can't help but break into a cheeky smile as the singer croons:

Me and Mrs Jones, we got a thing going on
We both know that it's wrong
But it's much too strong to let it go now

We meet ev'ry day at the same cafe
Six-thirty no one knows she'll be there
Holding hands, making all kinds of plans
While the jukebox plays our favorite song

We gotta be extra careful
That we don't build our hopes too high
Cause she's got her own obligations and so do I
Me, me and Mrs, Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones

Well, it's time for us to be leaving
And it hurts so much, it hurts so much inside
And now she'll go her way, I'll go mine
But tomorrow we'll meet at the same place, the same time
Me and Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones

Infidelity, secret meetings, forbidden passions; damn, I love this song for all the wrong reasons...

I smile because I enjoy the smooth sounds of the music, I smile because I find the lyrics evoking and teasing... I smile because I'm looking for my Mrs. Jones too. ;)



Me And Mrs Jones - Michael Buble
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