The rain got to me too...

The sky is grey.

The road is wet.

The rain falls and makes everything a shade darker.

I pack my bags and ready myself.

It's a long journey ahead,

I'm think I'm going home.

But the thing is, I don't know where that is anymore.

Looks like the rain got to me too...

Why Assholes Lead Happier Lives

I was just silently listening to the conversation over lunch, smiling politely, giving a comment here and there. There were 8 of us... 4 single, 4 married. And the man of the moment, was a married man... back home where he came from that is. Over here in this country, he was as good as a bachelor with his lease untied.

The topic of conversation was mainly 3 things; pre-nuptial agreements, marriages (and why you shouldn't do it) and lastly, sex. Of course there was sex. You can't have a table of 8 men sitting around and only be talking about the weather can you?

Actually, I didn't like this guy one bit. He was a client. But he was an asshole in every sense of it. Professionally, I hated every single inch of him and his guts. He made my work life a living nightmare sometimes... and I always got this feeling that since he's an expat, he just wanted to make a grand show on how hard he really is working, or why he's worth so much dough when a local engineer could do the same job he does at half the pay, and minus being an asshole. And personally... well, I didn't want to know anything about him personally. He could have 3 testicles and a prosthetic dick for all I cared. But since it IS work, and you HAVE to be nice to the client, I played along... or at least tried to. I actually lost my temper with him that morning when I thought he was trying to be a smart ass with some inspection we were doing.. and I told him off.... to the TOTAL SHOCK of my colleagues and suppliers... because well, I never loose my temper............with anybody. And if you do, you certainly don't do it with a client. People can get fired over that sort of shit. He was probably the last person I should have lost my temper with, but he was certainly the easiest one to..... out of sheer 'asshole-ness'. Basically I hated his guts la.. to get that out of the way.

Anyway, he was boasting about all the different places he has worked in in his career... and how in every place you go... you always need to find some 'honey' or else what are you working for if not for those pleasures. he proudly told us about his numerous girlfriends, and how he got married only because well... girlfriend number 4 got pregnant, and he couldn't escape. He told us about how he wanted to 'tapau' a girl last night but it was too expensive and not worth the money. He was in one of KL's most notorious, up class and expensive KTV a.k.a brothel there is to find. Here in KL, it doesn't get any classy or expensive than that. He said no matter how classy, how high class, it's still the same kind of hole.

We all laugh and joked, and asked questions.... after all, you're not supposed to take clients out for lunch and tell them their an asshole... no matter how true it was. And being all men there, I think everyone wanted to appear macho and appear like a cad, or at least, they didn't want to be a spoilt sport. But there were 2 conflicting emotions in me.

First of all.... everything this man said... every way he describe his exploits, from how he got married, how fat his wife is, to how he couldn't afford an expensive hooker, made me sick. Sick to the bone. It wasn't about whether any woman was present. There was just something about the way he talked about women as if they were some 'commodity' that pissed me off. I grit my teeth and put on a smile. There were no women sitting around... but it didn't matter. You don't talk about people like that. You don't talk about women like that. No matter if they were scientist, air stewardess, high class call girls or ghetto prostitutes, every woman has her worth... and deserves some respect, even if they seem to have lost their sense of respect for themselves. That woman is someones daughter, sister... and one day, someone's mother. Would you talk about your mother like that you asshole? There is this one scene in the movie My Fair Lady at the end when Audrey Hepburn says to Rex Harrison "The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated.".... and the guy is left stunned at the amazing insight this former flower-girl-turned-lady was now telling him. I never forgot that line. The point was that every woman deserves to be treated like a lady, regardless of who they are. And when I say treat them like a lady, it doesn't mean you have to talk all formal, bow and curtsy together or any of those things. It simply means.... treat them with respect for the simple reason that they are a woman. And being a woman is to already have worth and value intrinsically built in. For all his bravado and boasting, I just felt like lunging across the table and choking the life out of him and kicking his prosthetic balls.

I loathed the way he talked about women. I loathed the way he seemed to have no respect in talking about his wife, or the prostitute he never took home. But there was something else. I actually looked across the table, looked at the man, and asked myself "Why can't I be more like HIM??" Why? Why do I even bother to have this self imposed belief about respect for women and all this shit? Why do I have to care so much about people and their feeling? Why do I have to care so much about women and their feelings? Why can't I just have my fun, and screw around, and not care about whether or not this woman deserved to be treated this or that way? A prostitute's a prostitute. A one night stand is a one night stand. A fling is a fling. You don't need to start feeling guilty if you don't give a shit about how they feel do you? Why can't I be a little less of who I am today, and a bit more of a jerk or asshole, or whatever else you call these breed of men. I've been asking myself this question recently "Why the fuck do you have to care so much about people's feelings?" Why can't you just focus on yourself, focus on what you want, and go get it you dumbass. Why do you get caught in that web of caring for people... and wanting the best for them... and trying to be a positive influence in their life? I feel like such an idiot... because looking at this guy, as much of an asshole as I think he might be.. I knew he was having his fun, having the time of his life. It doesn't bother him in any way how these women feel, if he in fact even bothers to acknowledge that they have feelings. He wanted sex and conquest.. and he was getting it. He couldn't give a shit about everything else. If that made him an asshole.. so be it, at least he was a happy one.

A part of me envied this man. Not for how many women he has bedded in his lifetime. But for how little he seemed to care about anyone other than himself. I honestly envied that. To be blissfully ignorant. To not care. And as convoluted and dysfunctional as it sounds.... I wanted to be like him. Because being him seemed so much simpler... and possibly.. happier.

Sigh....

I can't do this....

I can't do it.... I can't be a pillar of strength all the time. I can't constantly be the the one to hold the fort, churn out the advise, or keep everything together.

My brother called the day before... We spoke for almost an hour... He's unhappy with his job (again), he feels dissatisfied with life and is thinking maybe migrating to New Zealand is the solution. He wants to propose to his girlfriend of one year and bring her with him. But she's not entirely sure. He's not sure if the reason to his dissatisfaction is in the people and place here in Malaysia or within him. He said his best friend was leaving to the UK this October to study a phD in Oxford. He felt happy for his friend, sad that he was leaving, but also jealous because he too wanted to go abroad. We spoke for a hour... as I left the office, driving to the nearby swimming pool. I was going for a swim, but ended up just sitting and talking in the car instead..... I said he needed to do some soul searching and find out what he really wanted out of life, and what would make him happy. Is going overseas his form of escape or a genuine desire to live a different life? Did he really love this girl? Was she willing to go along with this plan? What if you scare her off? Why do hate your job? We talked and talked talked.... and still could find no conclusion. I told him we will discuss more, over dinner perhaps next week.

That night my girlfriend was venting on and on about how she couldn't stand the immaturity of her younger brother, constantly relying on her to solve all his problems, as if she was his mother or something. She felt unappreciated by her brother, that somehow she was being questioned on how good a sister she really is. She felt that she had not done enough for her brother, thus his discontentment in her. She also felt that in work, people were antagonizing her, and saying bad things of her and nit picking at everything she does to find a fault. She said she can't stand working there anymore under an incompetent ward manager and an uncaring organization. Ironic really, considering this hospital she works for is supposed to be a 'non for profit' organization... I mean, it was started by nun's for pete's sake. How far from grace are they going to fall? She is determined to go to the middle east by end of the year, earn 5 times her salary and half the stress in a hospital willing to pay..... She was venting and venting, half close to tears, half angry enough to rip a phone book in two....I told her she was doing all she could as a sister, and that was all that was ever required of her.... She was not his mother, and she is not there to solve all his problems. The guy wants to be treated like an adult but behaves like a baby. Give him time I said... He will come to his senses, he will learn in time. For now, let the big baby be. Her colleagues were scared.. and probably a bit jealous. People can't always take it when someone younger, with less experience suddenly starts rising up to your level. It unnerves them, and they fell threatened. They nit pick and find fault because the better you are, the more obvious your mistakes seem. No one cares if a 12 year old makes a spelling mistake, but everyone would laugh and pick on you if your international best seller book spelt the word 'miscellaneous' wrongly.

The next morning, I go to work and by 11a.m, 4 officers from the Malaysian Royal Customs comes barging into our office. My boss was not around.. and no senior colleagues around, everyone looks to me to handle the issue. I invite them in and ask what is the matter... They demand to see all our company records, financial transactions, bank statements, import and export documents, shipping documents..... everything under the sun. When I asked what for, they said they couldn't tell until their investigation was done. Bloody hell. I tried my best to argue, plea, play nice, fight..... trying to stick to my wits. Its not that we are doing any criminal activities.... A disgruntled ex-employee had been sending all sorts of letters to immigration, labour department, clients and now, customs... saying our company was up to no good. I was under strict instruction not to give anything to this people. "Play dumb and don't give anything".. I was told. On the other hand, the customs officer looked at me point blank and said "I have the authority to cart away every single thing in this office. You can be nice and co-operate, or this can turn ugly.".... Damn... Caught between a rock and a hard place. I used whatever wits I had to try and keep it under control. FIVE HOURS later after a thorough grilling session, they left ..... with some files......(with a promise to return next Monday) but I think I kept the damage under control. But knowing how they work, they will most likely be watching our office this few days.. to make sure we don't try to remove any files... That evening I had a long talk to my boss...He said it was lucky I was there, else they would have carted half the office with them. I wanted to give this ex-staff a piece of my mind, and a punch in the face. I had a long day and said goodnight to him.

By that evening, my girlfriend had called me about 10 times with no answer. She had high fever, her entire body was aching, coughing... she was terrified if she had got the swine flue. Her colleague was in self quarantine for 3 days. She was pissed at me for sticking around in office so late, and not answering her calls. She was expecting that I would rush to her at first chance to tend to her.... "Now I know where you true priorities lie.." she texted me. I'd be pissed too if I were her. But that one line was the finishing blow to my streak of misfortunes this few weeks.

I drove home... dejected... deflated... demotivated.... My mind was numb.. I couldn't think straight. I can't do this. I'm not superman.....I can't be everyone's pillar of strength all the time! I just had the most shitty day in office in 2 years... I have practically on the job 2 weeks straight, I had to travel up north again to my wretched hometown again for the weekend and be back in office by Monday to welcome the bloody customs officers, I've had no time to spend with my family or friends (many of which were a bit pissed at me for turning their invitations down), my girlfriend was sick AND pissed at me, my brother is having a mini crisis of his own........... Everyone was turning to me to either defend them, support them or give them relief... and at that moment, had no idea who to turn to for MY relief, and even if I did have someone to turn to, I didn't even have the bloody time to go see them.

This morning, I woke up.... and for once felt like driving off to the wilderness instead of going to work... away, away, away from everything and everyone. I need a break... I need an escape... I can't be a pillar of strength all the time....