Birthday Boy Wishes

By the way, its my birthday today.........

I'm never the demanding type when it comes to my birthday. I don't really expect people to, throw a party for me, or shower me with, love, hugs, kisses and gifts. Heck I don't really expect a lot of people to even remember it. I've always been a low profile kinda guy anyway. Of course, to not expect isn't the same as hoping for it right? ;) Apart from being rather shy when it comes to these things, I don't really know how to breach the topic of my birthday without saying something to the effect of "Hey, I was born today. Lets go out and celebrate ME! I want to be treated like the most special person on earth for today, and you should all pretend just how much I mean to you and how much I've changed your lives.".... or something like that.

I hate it when people ask me what I want for my birthday. Frankly, its because they really don't know what to buy me. "Its difficult buying a gift for you. We don't know what you want.", they tell me. First of all, you don't have to buy me anything... I really am one of those guys that don't need gifts. A simple wish, buy me a drink, and toast to my health, and I'm happy as a clown who just found his juggles. ALSO, unknown to many of my friends, I'm actually one of those people crazy enough to actually enjoy reading. YES, I ENJOY READING. And if that makes me a geek, well.... I just hope I'm a really sexy and desirable one. Haha.... SOOO... that also means that I am actually one of those people who would genuinely welcome a book as a gift... Is it really that hard? Just buy some best seller book from the nearest book store, lie to me about how you really love this book and enjoyed reading it (don't tell me you meant the synopsis at the back cover), and how you wanted to share this with me. Mission accomplished! I'm easy!

People have always told me I'm too nice, and that I hold my tongue more often than not just to avoid hurting other people's feelings. They complain about it, but then they tell me they love me for it.. Gosh, these people are impossible! Similarly, I never tell me I want anything on my birthday, because I hate to have to see their faces when they find out the thing I want the most, are the things they can't afford, or they can't possibly give me. Its much kinder (and less of a hassle) for me to just go along with whatever they give, and love the things they give rather than for ask them to give me the things I love.

So, what ARE the things I really want anyway? In the context of this secret little blog I have (that basically means all things related to sex), here are the list of things I am wanting oh-so-devilishly:

1. Fuck Buddy
No brainer here, and self explanatory. Though sometimes I just wonder if I'd be comforable with the 'fuck' part without first establishing the 'buddy' part. Maybe I'm just old fashion, but I think if ever the day came where I did find a candidate, I would still like to get to know her first, even if its just a little. I mean, its another human being, whom you are about to have carnal knowledge (that means 'fuck' for those who don't know what it means) with.... I can't pretend I don't give
a shit about who you are.

2. Orgy / Threesome
Yes, Sorry, I know... lame ass fanstasy of every man. I can hear the women say "Can't you dick heads think of something else?".... But really, I'd love to try a threesome.. 1 guy with 2 girls AND 2 guys with one girl... or a room full of naked men and women running while.. have your pick. Here's a secret... I actually suggested this once to my girlfriend many years ago... she kinda, sorta was lukewarm to it...Didn't say yes straight away, but didn't say "Go to hell" either... but since we didn't know anyone who would actually up to it, the idea kind of died down and she quickly changed her mind later... Leaving me high and dry to search elsewhere to fulfill my fantasies.

3. Sex with someone I just met
I think everyone thinks of this sometimes. Mine would take place at a nice classy pub / bar. No noisy clubs / discos for me please. We'll both be sitting next to each other, firstly arm length apart. We make small talk and chat.. we hit it off real quick. By the third drink, the blood starts to pump, and we are whispering dirty little words close into each others ears turning me on and giving me a hell of a hard on underneath my pants. Finally, caressing the inside of my thighs, with a twinkle in her eyes, she gives me a soft, cheeky bite on my ears and whispers "Lets go to my place big boy....."

So, as far as I can gather, there you go, the things I want on my birthday! Haha... see what I mean? You don't exactly blow out your birthday candle and announced "I wish for a fuck buddy everyone!"

Oh well..... Cute party hats, cheesy little party whistles and out of tune birthday songs wholeheartedly sang by those who really care and love you isn't too bad also I guess. If your birthday is nearby or just past, Happy birthday to you too! :)

Cheers

I'm addicted to... post-coital bliss

You know that fuzzy feeling you get right after you orgasm?

You know...... that relaxing and blissful feeling of contentment, satisfaction and peace after a round of utterly mind blowing sex? The one where you lie down in bed next to each other, your body all hot and sweaty, breathless, yet completely thrilled. You turn to her, and you see this special glow on her face. She's flushing, and her cheeks turn a slight rosy pink. She smiles and snuggles up to you, you hold her close in your arms, and she rests her head on your chest. It seems a perfect fit. You give her a loving kiss her on her head, she stirs as you gently caress her smooth back. At that moment in time, your mind thinks of nothing else, your heart feels for nothing else, except this beautiful woman next to you; with her eyes close, perfectly content just to continue lying there, in the full beauty and imperfection of her nakedness, as long as the moment lasted. Neither one bothers to put any cloths on, both just basking in the that fuzzy feeling... such contentment... such satisfaction... such bliss...

That's right... they even have a name for it... Post Coital Bliss they call it... It really is one of the most fantastic feelings in the world isn't it? I don't think its something you get every time you have sex (unless you tell me sex with you is mind blowing every single time! If that's true then boy do I want to meet you!). But realistically, I don't think anyone can ever claim that they're a God / Goddess in bed all the time, every time! And its definitely not something you can get out of masturbating / jacking off... I don't know if anyone really feels 'blissful' after masturbating. For me it just curbs the horniness a bit... It doesn't really sexually satisfy me.

It's a physical reaction actually. Your body releases endorphins and chemicals telling you to relax... and you feel high. You look at the person next to you and you swear you just want to have this person and make love to her every single waking minute. Even if you aren't in a relationship with this person, or you don't even love them, at that blissful little moment, you really can't think of lying there in bed with anyone else....

Ahh..... I'm addicted... to post coital bliss. Anyone care for some? ;)

Me & Mrs. Jones

I flipped the CD book page by page, looking for a specific CD. On the 3rd page, I find it. Michael Buble's Call Me Irresponsible album... but I wasn't interest the whole CD, just ONE song... I've always had the bad habit of being a song picker, and right now, I was in the mood for that old time favourite of mine...

Alone in my car, I put the CD in, select the track, recline my chair and close my eyes in anticipation... The smooth sounds of the guitar and piano come on...biting my lips, I can't help but break into a cheeky smile as the singer croons:

Me and Mrs Jones, we got a thing going on
We both know that it's wrong
But it's much too strong to let it go now

We meet ev'ry day at the same cafe
Six-thirty no one knows she'll be there
Holding hands, making all kinds of plans
While the jukebox plays our favorite song

We gotta be extra careful
That we don't build our hopes too high
Cause she's got her own obligations and so do I
Me, me and Mrs, Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones

Well, it's time for us to be leaving
And it hurts so much, it hurts so much inside
And now she'll go her way, I'll go mine
But tomorrow we'll meet at the same place, the same time
Me and Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones

Infidelity, secret meetings, forbidden passions; damn, I love this song for all the wrong reasons...

I smile because I enjoy the smooth sounds of the music, I smile because I find the lyrics evoking and teasing... I smile because I'm looking for my Mrs. Jones too. ;)



Me And Mrs Jones - Michael Buble
FREE MP3 DOWNLOADS @ MP3-CODES.COM

Remodelling My Blog

Here's a secret.....

I'm actually a lazy ass who sometimes surf the internet & read blogs during office hours, feeling no guilt whatsoever over my non productive day and misuse of office facilities...... especially during streaks of crappiness in my life and days like this where just the thought of being productive hurts your brain.

So, I decided to completely slack in office today... and 'remodel' my blog layout and colours etc. I'm no artsy fartsy graphic designer ok, so the colours will probably look horrendous and the layout rudimentary..... but what the hell, its just for fun. No one's supposed to be ready all this crap anyway!

Still, if the colours are so bad it hurts just reading this... give me some suggestions on the colour ok.. I'm hopeless when it comes to matching colours.....

I can't do this....

I can't do it.... I can't be a pillar of strength all the time. I can't constantly be the the one to hold the fort, churn out the advise, or keep everything together.

My brother called the day before... We spoke for almost an hour... He's unhappy with his job (again), he feels dissatisfied with life and is thinking maybe migrating to New Zealand is the solution. He wants to propose to his girlfriend of one year and bring her with him. But she's not entirely sure. He's not sure if the reason to his dissatisfaction is in the people and place here in Malaysia or within him. He said his best friend was leaving to the UK this October to study a phD in Oxford. He felt happy for his friend, sad that he was leaving, but also jealous because he too wanted to go abroad. We spoke for a hour... as I left the office, driving to the nearby swimming pool. I was going for a swim, but ended up just sitting and talking in the car instead..... I said he needed to do some soul searching and find out what he really wanted out of life, and what would make him happy. Is going overseas his form of escape or a genuine desire to live a different life? Did he really love this girl? Was she willing to go along with this plan? What if you scare her off? Why do hate your job? We talked and talked talked.... and still could find no conclusion. I told him we will discuss more, over dinner perhaps next week.

That night my girlfriend was venting on and on about how she couldn't stand the immaturity of her younger brother, constantly relying on her to solve all his problems, as if she was his mother or something. She felt unappreciated by her brother, that somehow she was being questioned on how good a sister she really is. She felt that she had not done enough for her brother, thus his discontentment in her. She also felt that in work, people were antagonizing her, and saying bad things of her and nit picking at everything she does to find a fault. She said she can't stand working there anymore under an incompetent ward manager and an uncaring organization. Ironic really, considering this hospital she works for is supposed to be a 'non for profit' organization... I mean, it was started by nun's for pete's sake. How far from grace are they going to fall? She is determined to go to the middle east by end of the year, earn 5 times her salary and half the stress in a hospital willing to pay..... She was venting and venting, half close to tears, half angry enough to rip a phone book in two....I told her she was doing all she could as a sister, and that was all that was ever required of her.... She was not his mother, and she is not there to solve all his problems. The guy wants to be treated like an adult but behaves like a baby. Give him time I said... He will come to his senses, he will learn in time. For now, let the big baby be. Her colleagues were scared.. and probably a bit jealous. People can't always take it when someone younger, with less experience suddenly starts rising up to your level. It unnerves them, and they fell threatened. They nit pick and find fault because the better you are, the more obvious your mistakes seem. No one cares if a 12 year old makes a spelling mistake, but everyone would laugh and pick on you if your international best seller book spelt the word 'miscellaneous' wrongly.

The next morning, I go to work and by 11a.m, 4 officers from the Malaysian Royal Customs comes barging into our office. My boss was not around.. and no senior colleagues around, everyone looks to me to handle the issue. I invite them in and ask what is the matter... They demand to see all our company records, financial transactions, bank statements, import and export documents, shipping documents..... everything under the sun. When I asked what for, they said they couldn't tell until their investigation was done. Bloody hell. I tried my best to argue, plea, play nice, fight..... trying to stick to my wits. Its not that we are doing any criminal activities.... A disgruntled ex-employee had been sending all sorts of letters to immigration, labour department, clients and now, customs... saying our company was up to no good. I was under strict instruction not to give anything to this people. "Play dumb and don't give anything".. I was told. On the other hand, the customs officer looked at me point blank and said "I have the authority to cart away every single thing in this office. You can be nice and co-operate, or this can turn ugly.".... Damn... Caught between a rock and a hard place. I used whatever wits I had to try and keep it under control. FIVE HOURS later after a thorough grilling session, they left ..... with some files......(with a promise to return next Monday) but I think I kept the damage under control. But knowing how they work, they will most likely be watching our office this few days.. to make sure we don't try to remove any files... That evening I had a long talk to my boss...He said it was lucky I was there, else they would have carted half the office with them. I wanted to give this ex-staff a piece of my mind, and a punch in the face. I had a long day and said goodnight to him.

By that evening, my girlfriend had called me about 10 times with no answer. She had high fever, her entire body was aching, coughing... she was terrified if she had got the swine flue. Her colleague was in self quarantine for 3 days. She was pissed at me for sticking around in office so late, and not answering her calls. She was expecting that I would rush to her at first chance to tend to her.... "Now I know where you true priorities lie.." she texted me. I'd be pissed too if I were her. But that one line was the finishing blow to my streak of misfortunes this few weeks.

I drove home... dejected... deflated... demotivated.... My mind was numb.. I couldn't think straight. I can't do this. I'm not superman.....I can't be everyone's pillar of strength all the time! I just had the most shitty day in office in 2 years... I have practically on the job 2 weeks straight, I had to travel up north again to my wretched hometown again for the weekend and be back in office by Monday to welcome the bloody customs officers, I've had no time to spend with my family or friends (many of which were a bit pissed at me for turning their invitations down), my girlfriend was sick AND pissed at me, my brother is having a mini crisis of his own........... Everyone was turning to me to either defend them, support them or give them relief... and at that moment, had no idea who to turn to for MY relief, and even if I did have someone to turn to, I didn't even have the bloody time to go see them.

This morning, I woke up.... and for once felt like driving off to the wilderness instead of going to work... away, away, away from everything and everyone. I need a break... I need an escape... I can't be a pillar of strength all the time....

A past revisited....

The place I used to live... the memories that were made there...... I was there again.

Even after all these years... I could not believe that I could still be so affected by it, just by being there. Since the last time, I told myself I would never again return to this place. EVER. Like I said, its funny how life brings you the most unexpected things, good and bad.

They were just looking for a good place to eat, and though I knew no less that 3 places to point to, I told them this was my old home town and didn't know much. I was afraid to betray the thoughts running inside of me. In truth, it was much more than that. It was a big chapter in the story of my life as a child. I said nothing, I spoke to no one, and I betrayed no emotion as the car traveled deeper into the town.

There was the primary school I attended for 1 day, before trying to run away. There was the long road my brother, mother and I walked when we got kicked out of the house by my aunt 3am in the morning. There was the small grocery shop my brother and I stole a magnifying glass from because we wanted it so badly, but couldn't afford one. This was the place my family fell apart. This was the place my mother spent living on the streets for months with nothing but the cloths on her back. This was the place I HATED coming to every single school holiday, starting when I was 12 and old enough to know how to take the bus alone. I hated it down to my guts, but I cared for my mother even more. My brother hated it too, and he chose to stay behind in KL, enjoying his new found life and friends, trying to forget that he too had a mother who was living alone and penniless, needing love and care. I never begrudged him... In fact, I begrudged myself. Why couldn't I be more selfish? Why can't I care less just like my brother? Why can't my heart turn cold and hard, and not give a damn about whether or not she missed her children, if she had food to eat, or a roof over her head? Why did I have to care so much?........

Its hard to be thinking all these things and keep a straight face. Its hard to act as if this was just another place when deep down you know the significance of it to your life. I don't think I can ever come back to this town without thinking about my past.... a past I have not given much thought to since I started my adult life.

They say time heals all wounds..... and maybe it has. But even time can't erase the scars it leaves. They have become a part of me, of my history. People stop asking you about your past the older you get. Its only when you are growing up that people sympathize if you had it tough as a kid. Once you become an adult, people just don't really give a shit. They all have issues to deal with just like you and me. Life goes on and we can't live in the past. I believe I have moved on. But I'd be lying if I said I no longer carry excess baggage from it. So it is that I carry hidden scars that people don't know about and never ask. Unlike scars that are visible on the body, emotional scars aren't something easy to recognize.....

This place... this town... this house.... this is my scar. You can't look at a scar and not remember how you got it. People with bodily scars get to brag and talk about how they got it and in time, it helps them come to terms with it and accept it. That is something I think I haven't done enough of. Sorry if all of these doesn't make much sense to you. This is just me talking about it and trying to come to terms with it.

I'm feeling pissed off

Forgive me if for the next few paragraphs I sound like a bratty teenager complaining about his shitty little life....I might just be having "post-teenage-delayed-angst-& rebellion-syndrome".... it happens to young adults who were too overly obedient and good in their teen years and are now trying to compensate for in adulthood. Difference is we have money, and teens don't. Hahaha..*evil laugh*.......

Actually.....

I'm feeling pissed off...

Not for any particular reason really... just having one of those crappy days where nothing seems to ever go right.....

People chasing down your neck with deadlines long overdue.. incompetent and slacking colleagues who have no sense of urgency... and so much work to do I've hardly had the time to myself. I've had no time to write, reflect or express in my blogs these days..... And when you don't have an outlet to let off some steam, you turn into this really cranky guy that seems to be pissed off at everything and everyone no particular reason. .

I've been having a permanent frown on my face for 2 weeks straight I think. I'm drowning in the sheer amount of things that demand my attention.. I've got a job demands my attention 7 days a week whether or not I'm in office, my job scope has now increased with a recent promotion I got, I have to be in 3 possible places next week, I've got junior colleagues to supervise and guide (and at the same time try to to boss around), my girlfriend has been hounding me non stop of marriage plans and details etc, my mother has been pushing to be taken out of the nursing home, my brother is asking me for advise over his apparent lack of career progress, and also receiving relationship advise from me over his 1 year old relationship, my girlfriends younger brother injured his leg twice in a motorbike accident, and now wants a car instead, I'm trying to arrange new tenants to take over our apartment in KL, I'm also helping my girlfriend put her car up for sale, my father wants to move to the Philippines to be with his girlfriend, I'm supposed to commit to a mini break in Pangkor Island in 4 weeks (which I don't know if I can), my phone service provider has mistakenly barred my phone twice due to some stupid internal problem their having, I've got my girlfriend's birthday to plan next month (which must include her family, I have my OWN birthday next week, and my family and girlfriend expect me to spend with them (I insisted I don't want to do anything, but they weren't taking any of that nonsense),............ AND... I've hardly had any time to go swimming......... the one and only thing I enjoy doing that can be done completely alone, without interruptions from people looking for you or calling you, or having to talk to anyone. This then leads to me having my ass stuck in a chair the whole day.. which then leads to fats accumulating further on my body, which then leads to me feeling even more miserable... AND..... my girlfriend is having her period, so she's extra cranky due to the cramps, I get to deal with all the undeserved emotional outbursts, and of course, NO SEX.

DAMN IT..... why the hell do things always come in waves? And that's just all the things I have to deal with OTHER PEOPLE. This list doesn't even include my own personal issues... everyone wants a piece of my time, but where does the ME time come in? Where do I find the time to sit down and sort out my own issues, to meet the people I want to meet and do the things I want to do? Its when you feel like this that you feel like you want to escape....... to go away from everyone you know in your life.... leave all your cares behind and just...........well.... escape!

Here's what I'd do.........

1. Pack cloths for a long weekend
2. Take the next flight out to Bali / other islands
3. Meet up with a stunning beautiful stranger (or bring one from Malaysia) for a fling
4. Nice cosy dinner in fancy Balinese restaurant
5. Get a nice Balinese massage
6. Slow evening stroll by the sea side
7. Throw my phone into the sea!
8. Return to room for night long of slow sensual love making sessions
9. NEVER RETURN!

OK... maybe only 1~ 6 is realistic. But still....

Everyone needs their person space... a time for belonging entirely to themselves. No parents to keep happy, no needy loved ones, no crisis to manage, no problems to solve, no phone, no emails, no IM's, no facebooking, Just some quiet time....... for you to clear your head, to ponder and reflect, to take a deep breath and look at the things happening in your life. I've come to realize I need this more than the average person, possibly because I deal with more crap than the average person.


P/S: To add injury to insult, 1 day after writing this post, I find out that our water supply has been cut because a certain someone forgot to pay the bill for a few months. WTF! WTF! WTF! Now its left to me to go scream, shout, pay the bill and get those water guys to move their ass and reconnect my water lines. I'll probably go swimming straight after work today & bath at the pool, but how the hell am I supposed to go to work tomorrow unwashed? Celaka.......... Damn that Murphy's Law...

Random Thoughts #1

I'm thinking.....

Everyone seems to so caught up with Twitter recently.... I don't think I'm about to jump on the band wagon just yet. 5 years ago, web logs a.k.a blogs were all the rage..... now its micro blogging... Do we all really need to the minute updates on what other people are doing, especially celebrities? Who the hell cares what Paris Hilton, Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan is up to all the time anyway? Writing and blogging is very personal to me, so sorry if I don't share the enthusiasm of sharing everything that's on my mind immediately.

I'm thinking.....

I should be replying emails, moving my ass and get my work schedule all laid out.. What I am doing INSTEAD is writing personal blog posts, getting all horny for a woman's ass, and wishing I was getting laid right now instead sitting in office. Really need to get some fucking tonight...... If my boss only knew, he wouldn't have given me that promotion.. Hahaha.... I think its my own little revenge for having to work non stop and traveling here and there for the next 2 weeks. I think I'm should go on a mini break after that...

I'm thinking.....

I should have studied business or banking instead... Not for the career prospects, but for the women. I mean, at least in college, business schools has quite a balance ration of women... and at the work place... there are certainly more women working in office..Or, I should have been a Gynecologist instead..... you get paid to examine women's pussy all day. OK, maybe not. I'm a bit too dysfunctional to do that job properly. But even doctors, get it good you know.. Heard of Dr. Hayden Khoo? He must be a legend among doctors by now.... albeit for all the wrong reasons. I studied engineering.. and ended up in the Oil & Gas industry...a well paying but extremely sexually deprived industry. Its mostly men at work... and when there is a woman in the mix.. we turn into bizarre tongue wagging dimwits rather than proper engineers....Not a good thing, when you are building things that could collapse and get people killed if you screwed up. High pressure, no women, constantly overworked, and the ever fear of holding the live of others in your hands.... Yup... I should have studied banking.

Would you fuck your sister?

Welcome to the inner thoughts of my dysfunctional mind... Here's another secret.

I've always wanted a sister when I was growing up. For one, sisters don't beat the crap out of you when you don't listen to them.. unlike brothers who beat the crap out of you regardless.... The idea of having a little sister to protect and dote on appeals to the masculine side of our thinking I guess.

But now I'm thinking maybe its a good thing I never had one. Too much porn and too much erotic literature sort blurred my lines of morality..... I want everything I'm not supposed to have... I want to do everything I'm not supposed to do.... And after reading one too many incest themed porn, I found myself wishing I had a sister /step sister / god sister or whatever that I wasn't supposed to fuck, shouldn't have fucked, but did anyway. Of course, I am fully aware that most of the stuff written were fiction. But well written fiction can sometimes be so believable you're not sure what's true and what isn't all the time. This was just one of those fantasies.... there are other fantasies... but I'll write about them next time.

I think its the idea of forbidden pleasures that I find so intriguing and has got me so spell bound... Its original sin all over again... tasting the forbidden fruit so deliciously offered by the descendants of Eve. If Adam was ever given a second chance when asked to eat from the fruit of life..... I think he would have done the same thing twice!

Basically, when I was young, I wished I had a sister I could dote on.. Then when I became older, I wished I had a sister I shouldn't screw, but wanted to. I don't really HAVE a sister, so I'm not sure if having this fantasy makes me a sick pervert or not...

Hypothetically, if I did have a sister, I think I'd love her to bits... in the family sense. I think I'd be an overly protective brother too, scrutinizing every boy trying to get their dirty hands on her..... But would I really have sexual thoughts about her.....?

Hmmmmm............................

Who am I kidding? Yes, I would. I mean, if she become a young hot fully blossoming woman, how CAN you control your mind not to even think about it? The thought would have surely come across my mind.. even if it was just in passing. I'd probably try to squeeze the thought out... But it would have still been there. And just like every other good looking woman I've come across, I would have wonder how it would be like to go to bed with her. But that's not to say I'd ACTUALLY do it.... The things we think in our dirty little mind don't always translate into action.

The closest living testimony I have of this is my cousin. Being cousins, we were always very closed... And in my high school years.. exactly when puberty was hitting.. I became closer than i ever was with her. We always hanged out together alone in the house, out in the park chatting. I used to carry her on my mountain bike, on the front bar, right within my chest. She'd always stand very close to me... and we were a bit more touchy with each other than with others. But since we were first, paternal cousins, people never really questioned our apparent closeness. I don't know if her physical cues ever meant anything. Maybe it didn't. Or maybe she was just teasing, taking advantage of our status as cousins to do ask she pleased without fearing that I would reciprocate.... I'll never know. But I just played along, rather enjoying the touch and closeness of a woman around me.

I was after all a boy reaching the peak of puberty...... every walking person with a vagina seems to catch your attention. School mate, teacher, friend's sister... what more a cousin who constantly stands close to you and touches you. I honestly would get a bit turned on once in a while, when she would stand so close to me, I would catch a wisp of her natural scent............

Fuck........ cold shower, cold shower, cold shower!

I don't know about other guys, but the best scent a woman can have is not one you buy at the stores. Its the natural scent that her body emits as she goes about her day. This of course, applies to only 98% of women out there, because as painful as it is to admit, even some women have real bad body odour. Though many of my fellow men are a bit slow to pick up on this (come on guys!), the scent of a woman is very alluring and contributes to the overall sexiness of a woman. Try watching this film, and you'll see what I mean. (Don't worry honey, I won't kill you just because you smell good). So ladies, you've got a powerful tool there.. Wield with care!

I passed the test, and despite years of close physical contact with my dear cousin, I never once made a move on her, and she, me. After moving on from high school, I erased the memories of those thoughts, forever locking it away in my chest of secrets, not sure if that made me a bad person or not. How do you go around seeking therapy and closure without admitting to people that you wanted to fuck the sister you never had, but never fucked the cousin you always had?

Does all of this make me a seriously fucked up person? I duno... you tell me.

Do Women Watch Porn?

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Messed up

Here's a silly observation...

They say eating chocolate is capable of replacing the pleasures derived from sex. Well, I just ate some, how come I'm still feeling horny? Haha...

Anyway, jokes aside. I'm starting to feel that way again... That feeling of wanting to do something out of character.. that feeling of wanting to be a bad ass for a change. You ever get sick of people calling you a goody two shoes? Well, I've been called a goody two shoes almost all my life.... and I HAVE been a goodie two shoes most of my life.... which is supposed to be a good thing right? Hence the word 'goodie'?

But for a long while now, something else has been brewing in me. I'm tired of being a goodie... I don't want to think with my head. I don't want to be responsible, I don't want to care. I want to have fun. I want to live (even just for a while) the care free hedonistic life where you don't give a shit about anything beyond your next drink and the next woman you're going to screw. I don't smoke, but I want to go out, buy myself a packet of cigarettes and smoke till my hearts content. I want to go to a bar, drink, meet a girl and have a one night stand. Even better, I want to find a fuck buddy, get a room in a nice fancy hotel and do nothing but fuck the whole day, THEN get a smoke. Then, grab a bite at a nice fancy restaurant, then go up and fuck some more. Yup, I definitely need a fuck buddy....

It's not that I have been 'pretending' to be a goodie all these years. I carry myself exactly the way I am. I don't put on faces, I don't act cool, and I'm not pretentious (that's not the same as being polite & courteous btw). I trust people. I believe in the good of others, and never ever wish harm upon others (even people I don't like) And I guess when you think about it like that, I am genuinely a goodie two shoes....... I try not to resent that too much. Being a nice guy has also opened doors for me... People think well of me, trust me, and listen to my judgment and reasoning. It has gotten me quite far in my career even at such a young age, I have been given responsibilities and roles that people 10 years my senior should be getting..... But that's not the point.

There is a balance in everything... ying and yang.. day and night. I think I'm feeling this way because I have been so much a goodie two shoes, the darker side of me is festering inside, trying to find a way out. It's starting to fester out through the small cracks of my personality. And though my first instinct is to steer clear of that line of thought... some other part of me feels like unless I let off some steam, and find a proper balance, it will start eating into me. I might start to resent myself even more for being a goody boy. I cannot humanly be all good. And though in my head, I know its wrong, and that it I risk loosing so much, the feelings continue to linger.. whispering silently at me. You get it?

I'm not about to change overnight.. and suddenly start messing up all the good things going on in my life. I know better than that. I have my family to care after, I have people to support and loved ones to protect and nurture. To care for them, I need to get myself sorted out, and I think maybe, just maybe, the key to that is not so much in striving to be the perfect person; son, lover or brother, but by stop trying to deny my darker side, and acknowledging that even a goodie two shoes like me is imperfect. The difference is, other people tend to just loose direction in life and find themselves wishing they had done better... I'm feeling like I've done well enough and need to start fucking up a bit more.

Damn... that sounds so messed up.

I need to talk... Dude

Do you ever find talking to people of the opposite sex easier?

If I'm being completely honest with myself, its a resounding yes. I do find talking to women infinitely easier than men.

Maybe its the whole guy ego thing getting in the way. Men generally don't like going all emo sharing our feeling with each other and stuff... We don't really know how to deal with it. All boys grow up competing against each other, or banding together competing against others. Sharing and communication were the means to achieving victory, like playing football. Girls grow up playing with each other.. sharing and communicating was the goal. I could never understand games like 'masak-masak' or play pretend.. How do we win? Nobody wins? What?!.. So you see, us guys... its not really our fault we don't know how to talk to each other. All grown up, it is still a bit hard for me to pick up the phone, call one of the guys, just to chat... We don't call just to chat.. we chat to achieve something! The only other time it's not awkward, is when you go out for a drink... even then, 1 to 1 seems a bit out of place.

Its not that I don't have any guy friends.. I do. I had a good friend in high school, who was really the first guy I could talk to so casually without our egos getting in the way. We constantly stayed over at each others house, we snuck out middle of the night just to drive (we didn't have driving license), and just hanged a lot, sitting in the mamak, chatting over the phone, insulting each other and just having good times... Of course, some years later, I found out he was actually gay... then everything kinda made sense.... But after the initial shock (and curiousity of whether or not this fella had a crush on me. We were so close after all!), I sort of came to terms with it. I accepted it, and gladly, still keep in touch with him. I also found out that he was never romantically interest in me.. seems I wasn't attractive enough! I wasn't sure to feel disappointing or relieved. What, NEITHER gender find me attractive?

My second best mate was my uni mate.... that was a more typical guy kind of friendship. We were always cool with each other, but we still did hang out a lot. No chatting on the phone all those thing.. we just did a lot of things together; assignments, shopping, attending classes, playing basketball.... everything except swimming, which I always and continue to do alone. We were tight, and I did share a lot of the problems I faced in those turbulent years. He was the only one to fully know the problems I had with my family, emotionally and financially. I knew I could count on him if I needed help, but our sharing was always kind of muted and awkward... Like 2 overgrown tough guys sharing a moment of tenderness... just doesn't work!

On the other hand, women seem to warm up to you the more you share those intimate, itsy bitsy details of emotional truths. I guess they are more geared up to connect. For a guy, opening up to a woman probably is easier, because there is no ego in the way..... and there is no fear of looking like a needy little cry baby... Its hard to maintain you macho if you start sharing about how your mother never hugged you as a child. Women tend to genuinely care about the emotionally well being of others... When someone shares something with them, they listen and empathize, and support. That is the purpose. For guys, when someone shares something... all we are thinking about is the solution! That is the purpose! Why else would one dude share and communicate with each other, than to achieve a goal? And that goal is to fix the problem!

But even then, I don't think that's the whole truth. Another dimension to all this, is sexual tension. Admit it or not, the biggest factor that pulls us to talk to each other is sex, even in a strictly platonic friendship. You can say a relationship is purely platonic, without sex or romance... but you can never say its without sexual tension... Not unless it were your sister (even then, who knows?) Sex is wired into our bodies baby.... and that alone is strong enough reason for us to be constantly sharing things with each other rather than with our best buddies. The sexual energy that exist when a man and a woman are close, physically and mentally really is a potent force.

Maybe I'm being a bit too dismissive, but with guys, if its not sports, business or sex.... there really isn't much 2 heterosexual guys can look forward to. Anything outside these 3 would result in us unintentionally sharing a tender moment, as mentioned above.

Its more enjoyable for me to sit down and talk with a woman than it is with a guy. With a women, there's a bit of playful banter, light flirting... and that undercurrent of sexual foreplay going on....... So, though on the surface, we are just having a casual chat, our pheromones are still at work, and true to our nature, it still knocks at our subconscious, telling us that this person before us is a potential sex partner. Isn't that fun? Our minds tell us we are just friends, no hanky panky, but our bodies are screaming for each other. I hope i'm not alone on this... I can't be the only one who looks upon 'just friends' with lusty eyes right? Anyway, I'll leave it at that.....all this writing about pheromones and foreplay is getting me a bit horny.

A Sweet Little Secret

I guess you could say I'm a guy with a lot of secrets.... Here's a sweet little secret of mine that happened not too long ago. Just 3 weeks ago to be exact.

I had the opportunity to go to Shanghai for a week (no, that's not the secret). I was there a week really, visiting various suppliers all by myself. Going alone has its ups and downs.. For one, you get to do what you want, when you want, wherever you want. But whatever it is you see or do, you do alone.

I also discovered in my first night that blogger was blocked in China! I could not even access my blogger account, and wasn't able to write the entire week I was there.

But anyway, I digress. A week traveling alone can get pretty lonely really. After the novelty wears off, you suddenly start craving for some human connection, of the physical, and the mental. By the third day there, I was feeling pretty horny.... but pretty lonely too.

I was in the city of Nantong, 2 hours north of Shanghai for about 3 days. My host (mostly expats from Brazil) was really doing the bare minimum in taking care of me....But I didn't complain. The local Chinese were much friendlier, taking the time to talk to me, show me around and made sure I had everything I need. Maybe its just Chinese hospitality. One of the first person I was introduced to was of course, the receptionist... and a cute one at that.

For some reason, the security manager, who took the task to be my chaperon during my stay kept tugging me to get to know this gal. "Chinese gals are not bad I tell you. And she is very nice!" Well.... I did hang around the reception quite a fare bit, while waiting for my host to bring me here and there... and since there was no one else around, I just made small talk with her in whatever little mandarin I had, and she in whatever English she could muster.

She asked if I was being taken out for dinner and to see the famous night lights of Nantong city. I told her no.... I was pretty much on my own for dinner and sight seeing... unless SHE brought me around.. I casually added. She thought about it, and to my surprise, she said "OK. If I'm not doing anything tonight.".. She then takes out a piece of paper and writes her name and number on it, and gives it to me. "Give me a sms / call later after office hours and I will confirm with you" I took it and said thank you. But was a bit dumb struck. I'm no smooth talker, what more in my halting Mandarin.... but this was positively an achievement!

Back in my hotel room, I sent her a text "Let me know if you are interested to go out tonight. Please don't feel obliged. Do whatever you feel comfortable with."... She reply that she was free... no problem to go out. So, there I was jumping around in my room, giddy as a school boy, as if going on a first date. I didn't quite know what to expect. What was this anyway? Was it just a local showing a tourist around? Was it a girl interested in a guy? Was it 2 people having fun at the side?

What about her? She comes across as a nice sweet girl... But nice sweet girls don't usually go out with strange foreign men... Hmmm. How far would this go? Will we even get to second base? Should even attempt any physical contact at all? Did I have a condom ready? I can't say I didn't think of sex with this woman. I mean, if it really came to that, would I bed her? Or is this just a casual dinner? I guess being lonely and horny sort of does things to you. Anyway, I decided I was going to just take it as it goes. If she turns out to be some wild suppressed nympho being curious, well... lucky me.... If not, well at least I wouldn't have to have dinner alone.

So for a change, I was being picked up by a woman instead. She drove her spanking new blood rednMazda 6 to pick me up, which was a total contrast to her personality. 10 minutes into the car, and she confessed this was just about the 2nd or 3rd time she has driven the car, and the first time unsupervised, plus she wasn't even sure how to drive into the city! As it turns out, she was taking a brave little step driving her car out alone for the first time into unknown roads just to show me around. I was actually quite amused, and quite charmed really.....I get all fuzzy when someone goes out of their way for me. I'm a big softie I guess.

We parked in the city and walked around instead. It was a cool beautiful evening, clear blue skies and hundreds of bicycles all over the roads.. I was taking it all in.. The sights.. the sounds... but mostly, the company. It felt a bit surreal in that sense. Here I was, 5000 miles away from home, in a foreign land, taking a slow stroll with an incredibly sweet Chinese girl, chatting about our individual lives, our shoulders brushing occasionally, and for once, feeling the texture of her skin. I kept my touches as friendly, yet as neutral as possible.. pats on the shoulder, nudging at the elbow... Who would have guessed I would be here? Its amazing how life sometimes brings you things you never imagined could be. Maybe it was her innocent and sweet demenour, maybe it was the beautiful evening sky against the river... whatever it was, I forgot the thought of going trying to get this woman in bed. I was having a good time, just walking around, sharing stories and life experiences. Its funny how even the simplest things in life, taking a simple stroll, can bring you joy. She shared how she has always wanted to move to Shanghai and eventually overseas to see the world and work for a Fortune 500 company. She studied English in university hoping it would give her a better chance at going overseas. I shared with her some of the memorable things I have seen in my brief travels, about life in Malaysia, backpacking in Paris and biking in the Peak District in the UK...... and in between we spend a lot of time trying to translate things between mandarin and English. I avoided the sob stories.....

We had dinner in a Japanese restaurant... because she told me she had never tried eating sashimi, and so I insisted. After walking the main street a couple of times, she was worried that I would get bored. She seldom came into the city, and had not planned on taking a visitor sightseeing... so she didn't really know where to go, or what to do. I told her it was fine. I did not say it, but I was content to just soaking up the whole experience. To her, this was just the city. A city she sees all the time, nothing special. But to me, this was a moment of a lifetime, I would most likely not return to this unexpectedly beautiful place again, in this manner, in the company of this person. And so, while I could, I just wanted to engrave it into my memory. You only live life once.... and no two moments are ever the same... You can take pictures, you can take videos.. but there is nothing that can make you relive the moments...... only in our hearts and minds do we have them kept as fluid memories.


We had our dinner, walked around a bit more, and I returned to my hotel..... alone. We never went beyond first base, but that was OK. Though hot wild hot fucking would have taken it up a whole new level, I guess it was not meant to be this time, or with this woman. I could live with that.... At the end of the night, she thank me for dinner, said she was glad to become my friend.. and said I was a really lovely guy. I seldom get upfront praises from women. I never know how to react when a woman praises me. But just like everything else that transpired this particular evening, it felt sincere. That last thing pretty much made my evening....

I was thought a lessen in life... people never remember all the things you tell them... but they will always remember the way you made them feel. And for an evening, this person gave me a pinch of what it feels like be out on a simple date with a simple, but very sweet person. Thanks!

Toy Boys

Toy Boys...

Yeap..... that's a job I would have liked to have instead.

Rich old men keep mistresses.... that's a well known fact. The men offer part time companionship with all the benefits of the comes with his big fat wallet. The women also offer part time companionship, with all the benefits that come with her young beautiful body.

But in recent years, you do hear occasionally of toy boys and their rich (and often older) female partners. The men are supposedly young, handsome, charming and with chiseled six packs as standard..... And the women are often frustrated, lonely wives of ridiculously rich husbands who are either overseas all the time, or busy with their own mistresses. So in this case, the men offer their bodies... and the women offer their big fat wallet....

Kinda refreshing really, in a weird, twisted kind of way. But I guess that's the world today.

The first time I ever heard of such a thing, my first thoughts were "Damn! How come I never came across any lonely rich datins?" You get to fuck all day, get showered with expensive gifts for no reason, and all you have to do is keep these lonely women satisfied sexually, and keep telling them their beautiful? WHERE DO I SIGN UP? There never seems to be enough sexually frustrated / dissatisfied women when you need them. 8 out of 10 men would readily admit their horny for sex... but 8 out of 10 women would probably slap you in the face if you asked if their were horny.. The other 2 would most likely kick you in the balls...

How DO you end up becoming a toy boy anyway? Its one of those life mysteries that will forever elude me. I have met one or two datins, but they were either too old, too fat, hardly the type interested in an affair I guess.

Toy boy's are such a novel & intriguing idea.... it contradicts how we view society, that only older men are sexually hungry beings looking for young sweet things to satisfy their urges. To even imagine that an older women would also have the same type of urges and hunger, out on the prowl looking for hot young men to date is.. well, its every young men's dream that's what it is! Well, at least, to me it is. I don't know how other people feel about seeing or dating an older women, but i for one wouldn't mind giving a go. Ever since I first hit puberty, I have had fantasies of being with older women, of being slowly but surely seduced into their lair and being shown a thing or two when it came to sex....

I guess I find women who know what their are doing, or at least, confident & comfortable with who they are infinitely more sexy. Its not so much the age, but rather the level of maturity. The sexiest thing about a woman is not her body really, its her mind. Its her composure, her poise, its how she carries herself. And women who are older, tend to be more confident in their own skin, are less needy, and don't expect you to marry them just because you spent the night with them.

The toy boy probably represents the pinnacle of that idea.... They are well women supremely confident in their womenhood. They don't need you, in fact, their using you for their satisfaction, and last of all, they expect you to shut the hell up after you just spent the night with them! Perhaps it's not too different from the idea of a fuck buddy really... except with 2 person coming into it with different levels of maturity and thinking, the dynamics of that relationship change, thus the name change....

Toy boy, fuck buddy... whatever you call it... I just want to know one thing really, WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!

Onions & Emotions....

Growing up was quite hard for me in many ways.....

Had a philandering father, who got involved with various women and converting his religion for them....

Had a mentally ill mother, who was permanently depressed and ever paranoid that her husband was having an affair.... of course, he WAS... so, I guess she was justified in her fears.

I always joked with people that my life would fit right into one of those thousand episode soap drama's..... More than once, I felt like my life was stranger than fiction. Among some of things I have gone through in my young little life; sleeping on the streets, trying to run away from home, , escaping from my mother who was trying to lock us up, countless fights and scenes in public & in my school, watching my mom strip naked in public, witnessing physical abuse of my mother from my father, being locked up for days, being arrested and brought to police station, being chased out of the house by relatives, 2 suicide attempts by loved ones, forced to call another woman 'mother', face off's with step mom #1, faceoff's with step mom #2, nearly loosing my own mother (read here)...... In more recent years, I even had to go on a manhunt and publicly 'kidnap' my own mother to send her to the hospital.

As you can see, a lot had to do with my mother.

Till today, people continue to praise my brother and I for the way we have turned out to be 'fine young men' despite all the traumas we faced in our lives. We could have easily gone wrong.. I mean, for all the shit that I went through, I do sometimes feel that I do deserve to go wrong.. so to speak. I've met countless people with lesser problems, who start doing drugs, mix with the wrong crowd, fail their studies etc etc etc.. What about me? I never did drugs, never mixed with the wrong crowd, and did quite well in my exams. Heck, I never even smoked a cigarette in my life (until recently, but that's a different secret of course!). I turned out to be everything opposite the odds said I would, and then some.

People ask me how I cope... and I never knew how to answer them. I only knew, I did cope. I could cope. I went through all the shit my father put my through, and I went through all the hell my mother's illness gave us, and I never lost my mind, or lost my grip on things. 15 years down the road, and here I am, with the tables turned. I'm still moping up the mess of the past, but at least now, I'm have control over my life. I shared these things with someone last night.. and suddenly I found myself confessing something I never ever thought I would.. and that was.. the answer to how I coped.

You know how people tend to unconsciously develop defense mechanisms to protect themselves? Well, I never realized I had one, until much later....

Its funny that the first insight into my own heart came on this matter, came at a most trying time. It was the second suicide attempt by others I had to experienced. (read here for full account), and I came out of it, cool as a cucumber. The turning point was when my friend asked "How come you are so calm about it." I could never explain at the time, and for a long time, I still could not. But I can now. I was calm, because in trying to deal with all of it, and not loose my mind at the same time, I had swept my emotions aside. Just like Davy Jones in the Pirates of the Caribbean show, I had taken my heart and emotions out, placed it in a nice box somewhere, and functioned without it. If I didn't feel anything, I could never be hurt. I could never be affected, and I could never loose my mind.

I got so good at doing this, that I found myself being able to cope with whatever trials and tribulations life had to throw at me for the next few years. Father getting divorced? Getting divorced second time? No money to pay bills and buy food? Mother run away again? She nearly died after a hit and run? I coped with every single one of them. I could take it, because I made myself void of any feelings. Though somewhere deep deep down in the recesses of my heart, I knew I was hurting, on the surface, I felt nothing.

So much so that I found myself to be a cold, emotionless person. Why was I not upset? Why was I not sobbing like an emotional wreck? I didn't shed a tear, or loose an minute of sleep. It didn't seem like my emotions were doing justice to the significance of the issue

In the same way, I found myself constantly reverting to this state of emotionless being that I never fully allowed myself to immerse in feelings of happiness, joy and contentment. I always smiled, but rarely laughed. I was always friendly, but never personal. I kept my emotions to myself as good as I kept all the secrets I had in my life. No one knew I had a crazy mom, no one knew I had 2 step mothers. No one knew anything personal about me... period. To divulge my secrets was to expose myself, to be emotionally vulnerable. I could not have that.

I built invisible walls around myself, always keeping this barrier between myself and other people. There is this once scene in the movie Shrek 1, when Donkey calls Shrek 'Onion Boy' because Shrek had this conversation with him:

Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: They stink?
Shrek: Yes. No.
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry.
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: NO. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
[sighs]
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions.

It stroked a chord with me. I had layers too... and I kept my feelings in the deepest one. I had succeeded. I was not sad, nor depressed. But I wasn't happy either.

Since then, I have tried living life with my heart more on my shoulders. People have said I have become less patient as I used to be, or that I am not as giving as I once was... but I don't care (that much). I grumble when I'm upset, I fight when I'm angry. I laugh a lot more, and usually show it quite plainly when I am fond of someone. All with the aim of not burying my feelings the way I used to do so well. . To be able to express your emotions freely was nothing short of liberating.... Keeping my feelings bottled help me cope when the going got tough, and because if it, I survive. But really, it was eating me from inside. Like sunlight slowly breaking through a dark cloud... I think I'm finally learning how to experience emotions rather than experience incidences. I feel more true to myself than I have ever felt, and for once in my life, I no longer feel like I need to deny my feelings just to keep the ship from sinking.

A Straight Mans Worst Nightmare!!

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One dirty little secret

Here's a dirty little secret.

I don't really recall just when I first became aware of sexual acts.... but as far back as I could remember I was always aware of it, as young as maybe 6 or 7 years old.

Back then, before the Youtube, before Astro, and before DVD's, the only things you could watch was national TV and VCR, which our house did not have anyway. Since my dad moved out and was away most of the week, and my mother was too heavily sedated on her medication most of the time... I sometimes had quite a free hand in choosing what I watch on TV.

Now, back then also, TV2 was like THE channel to watch... Dunhill Double every Thursday and Friday night, Movie Magic on Mondays.. believe it or not, when there were less channels, the quality of movies shown were actually better. The sex scenes in these movies were also censored rather crudely so scenes usually go all the way until they start kissing... and would suddenly jump to when both of them are lying in bed naked, with the sheets covering their body.. all curled up in post coital bliss... I could never SEE what they did.. but I knew they just did something very pleasurable, and it involve a penis and a vagina.. and that to a 6 year old boy.. is already hard core porn.. Haha..

Then, there were the midnight Baywatch episodes.. Oh yes, believe it or not, they used to show it on TV.. and I remember watching them. Always with the girls running on the beach... left.. .right.. left right.. up... down.. up... down... mesmirizing I tell you. ;) I think my first taste of sexual seduction was with Baywatch.. The girl was seducing the guy over a game of pool, and just before she shot her cue ball, she zipped down her leather jacket to bare the maximum cleavage possible.. before bending down for the shot to the male character (and my) delight.... I didn't have a clue what sex was then.. but it sure got me feeling all high and excited.

I soon realized that these things seem to get my penis a bit erected. I was no where near puberty.. so it was never really at full attention (if you catch my drift).....but I discovered that by pressing my penis and blocking off the blood from flowing freely.. there was a tingling sensation that would end in my penis involuntarily contracting.. I had no idea that this was essentially jacking off... and that what I was experiencing was the sensation of ejaculation. Again.. there was no seminal fluid, just the contraction. I started to learn how to manipulate this. I'd often lie face down on the floor, I'd start to imagine all the sexy things I had seen on TV etc, and I would feel the swelling start. As it did, I would press my crotch against the floor even harder until the build up of blood ended with the contraction. Sometimes I would do it under my blanket, sometimes in the open when no one was around. I never know till today if any of my parents observed this behaviour of mine.. But then again.. one was too busy sleeping and being depressed, and the other was too busy screwing other women (which would ultimately screw his own life)

It wasn't until I was about 11 year old that I had my first real ejaculation (and if you have to guess, it was by jacking off watching porn). I started jacking off to porn at 11.. because I found my fathers secret stash of porn in his room. And when he locked it in a drawer.. I found his secret hiding place for the key.. and even made a duplicate of it.. He never found out. So when my guy friends started to ask if I and experienced pre-mature ejaculation (or wet dreams), I didn't know what to tell them. Most of them looked like they hardly knew anything about sex, hardcore porn or masturbation when entering puberty.. While for me, despite my innocent demeanour, I had been jacking off for quite some time to scenes of hot looking lesbians, 3 some's, orgies and good olf fashion hardcore porn. I didn't know how to tell them that I didn't have wet dreams because of all the 'day dreams' I have been having in my living room.

By the time I was in high school, my mind had been filled with so much hardcore porn (thanks to my dad's rather extensive collection), I was only too aware of the blossoming young girls around me, and that was where my habit of imagining other females in their nakedness began. I started fantasizing about how it would be like to have sex with them.. or how it would feel like to have sex at all....

Then there was also the issue of size, or the lack of it. Having never seen any other adult male penis before, I never really knew what to expect. For one.. nearly all the men in pornos have circumcised dicks.... and nearly all of them were rather well endowed with length, girth or both.
Is resulted in me having some... ahem..., doubts over just how big my dick was supposed to get. This of course relates to men's eternal obsession over the size of their manhood. I mean, at 13, you think "Hey, I've just hit puberty... its just starting.. maybe it will 'come of age' in a few years... bu they you reach 16, and you start to think "Erm.. what? That's it? Come on!"... I was of course measuring to impossible standards. I had come to expect that everyone man's cock should be the size of a small baton. And my baton was... let just say.... smaller than I'd hope but good enough to do the job OK.. :p.. There was no comfort to be found online or through research when I found out that the average penis size of orientals (such as yours truly) were consistently at the lower end of the band (see study). All my Malay and Indian friends had a great time joking about it.. Thank goodness no one was crazy enough to have a 'show and tell' comparison among friends.

And what's the deal with circumcision and foreskin? Friends who did circumcise said the rest of us were 'dirty' or that circumcision gave women more pleasure! The nerve! Plus, circumcised cocks look the way cocks are supposed to look while the rest of us had 'turtle heads'...Geeezz.. that sure gave me some pretty lasting self esteem issues to deal with. I mean.... When in puberty, we all need time to adjust to our changing bodies... having this issue of torpedo vs turtle head kinda just made it worse. I pour over online articles and forums just trying to find out what was the deal with circumcision and if there was indeed any significance to it.. Some people said foreskin enhanced sensitivity and pleasure and gave it a natural layer of protection.. others said circumcision gave men better endurance and was more hygienic...And I thought only women had complicated issues to deal with during puberty..

Of course, till today, I can't really be really 100% sure if women find men with monster cocks more a turn on the way we men find women with bigger breast a turn on. Or if having a foreskin is any issue at all... If you follow what porn movies tell you, you need to have a circumcised 8 inch cock to be able to get laid by women, or you need to be black.. then which your cock is 10 inch by default. S0, there I was at 16, still hoping my body would eventually grown into what I thought was the norm. You'd think that only women wish to become physically desirable to men... but the truth was..... I wished for the same thing too throughout my teen years. Just like how I looked lustily upon a beautiful woman, I too had fantasies about being looked at in the same way by women. I think watching too much porno made me imagine every real life scenario could potentially turn into something sexual and that every woman had this pent up sexual desire for the men around them.

Of course, I was and remain anything but a stud. If you are looking for a 200 pound hot and muscular piece of man meat to be your fuck buddy.. well.... you'll have to close more than just one eye for me to qualify. Fantasies remain fantasies, and I had no delusions that women could ever look at me in that lusty way. I resigned my fate to being the ever loved but never lusted Mr. Nice Guy.

But hey, a man can dream right?

So there you go.. one little secret of mine I have NEVER ever told a single soul.