Pissed, tired, horny

Sorry, I'm not in the mood to write about anything remotely interesting here. 

It's 3.30a.m in the morning right now, my eyes are heavy, my shoulders are tense, and every inch of my body is asking for rest. But for some reason, my heart won't settle.

Maybe it's because I'm disturbed. We just had first long distance argument over IM's and Skype. She was damn pissed at me.. over some stupid issues pertaining to her family and medicine.. which I will not write here (cuz I'm just not in the mood for that right now)... and somewhat upset that I had not informed her that I was going out with friends...

You want to know a secret? I lied.

I told her I was out with my guy friends watching a movie. That was only half true. I was in fact, out with A friend. A female one at that. And we had dinner, and a movie, the we drove around, and stayed out late for drinks before saying goodnight.... and yes we had a good time (or at least I think we did)

Don't misunderstand. There was no hanky panky. We were friends. This was just casual dinner. And a movie. Heck, she paid for dinner, at her insistence. Our appointment was made weeks earlier. She wanted someone to watch a movie with. I just wanted some company. She needed some help with her boyfriend's car. I just wanted to drive her boyfriends car (because I've never driven a car like that before). Perfectly harmless. Perfectly platonic.

But I lied anyway. Because it was easier that way. Her insecurities and suspicions sometimes knew no bounds. She'd automatically be suspicious of any women around me other than those already known and trusted by her. She didn't trust other women. She stopped short of saying it in words, but she didn't trust me either.

But I wasn't about to kick a fuss or complain. Let her maintain her distrust. It's OK. It's warranted. Because god knows, thoughts of cheating had already come to me very early on. Thoughts of screwing other women, and stating affairs and whatever else comes my way.......... oh yes.. they were there.... and I think I've been only too ready to act on them. Maybe I've just been waiting for the right opportunity and the right candidate to come along. Will I feel guilty? Probably. Is it enough to stop me? Honestly? No. I meant it when I said I'm sick and tired of being goody two shoes. This time, I don't care if what I'm doing isn't quite right, or morally acceptable. I find myself yearning. Yearning to feel with my body, the warmth and the pleasure of a woman's body. 

I'm not used to this permanent heightened state of horniness. Imagine getting a steady supply of tap water for years and years.... and suddenly the tap is shut tight. That's how it is right now. I'm high, and I'm dry. My judgment is clouded. My mind is polluted. Dirty imagines and thoughts have found a permanent place in my head. Every interaction with persons of the opposite sex seemed a more heightened than normal. Every casual brush of the skin and touch of the hand... more arousing to me than it really should be.

I also look at my recent few post was just wondering since when did I so suddenly favour using the F words so often and so liberally. It's probably an accumulation of sexual frustration. It has to come out in some way.... and in my case, it's seeping through my words. It's no longer enough to just say "I'm feeling horny." I need to say "I'm feeling fucking horny." It's not enough to say "I need some pussy right now.:" It's "I fucking need some fucking pussy right fucking now.". It just feels like the words not quite properly convey the emotion without the F word sprinkled (generously) around my sentences.

OK... that's it.. that's all I have to say right now. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning after a good rest... But right now? I'm just pissed. I'm pissed, I'm tired.... and I'm horny.


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhh.......