Encounters of the Other kind

I just had a flashback...

How many people have actually gone on to meet the people they get to know online? I'll confess this not so exciting little secret... just one so far. In fact, after my flashback, I remembered that I already wrote about it, five years ago here. (bloody hell, have I been blogging that long?)

Of course, that was all the way back in secondary school.... when most of us were all nerdy school goers and when playing truant from school, kissing behind behind the block and intentionally not doing our homework was DEE most diabolical thing we could think of doing. Geeky, innocent, carefree and simple. Boy do I miss being a teenager. OK, maybe not the geeky part, but everything else was pretty good.

Anyway, back then, being (slightly) more wide eyed and innocent, I never really thought or intended to getting down and dirty with unknown women. (I still don't.......as much :p). I really really thought I liked that girl. We chatted almost daily on ICQ (now almost extinct probably), upgraded to talking on the phone, and when we finally decided to meet, I thought that I was on to something.. I mean, there was a good build up of momentum, and for all intend and purposes, I THOUGHT she was being straight with me. For my part, I told her I was a square. I had no fashion sense. I looked every part the hopeless ah beng and just generally not the kind of bad ass all you ladies out there seem to be so fond of. I didn't have a web cam (this was back in dial-up days ok), so I never sent her my picture.

She on the other hand, sent me a small picture of her, face only. Didn't think too much of it at the time.. Two eyes, two ears, one nose, one mouth.... and had a rather pleasant smile. She told me she was 'a bit on the larger side', she told me she and her bunch of friends were all amateur model material... and over the next few weeks and months, fed my innocent little mind with all sorts of erotic details; of her older lesbian sisters exploits overseas; of she and her friends naughty teasing of men over a game of pool in their skimpy spaghetti straps and hot pants. Of men approaching them for modeling jobs a bit more.... I mean, all this seem WAY over my league, and I was hooked. SHE was the one who first brought the idea of meeting up, and I jumped on the chance.

I brought my buddy at the time along, all excited and nervous. Gosh, what if she didn't think I was good looking enough? What if she didn't like guys with squinty eyes like mine? What if she turned out to be this super hot, super cool and sophisticated woman, and me this geeky nerd who never even kissed a girl and couldn't tell between lip balm to lip gloss or what either was for? I was SO nervous that I would crash and burn and embarrass myself. But I had committed, so there was no turning back....

When I arrived at the place, and scouted around, I couldn't find her. I called using my friends mobile phone, and she answered.

"I can't see you. Where are you?" I asked

"I'm standing in front of the building. I'm with my friends. I'm wearing black. Can you see me?" she replied.

I turned left to right, scanning the place, and spotted her. I had hoped that I spotted the wrong person, but oh I saw her alright. She was impossible to miss....

"I found her, she's in front over there." I said to my friend in a disbelief tone.

"Where? I can't see her. Oh, is that the one.. Oh my God..." my buddy, as he starts snickering at me, barely containing the evil "aha-look-what-you-found" smirk he had on his face.

You know the feelings of having your hopes and dreams come crashing down? Haha... it came down on me right step by step there and then as I took those 20 steps towards her. I put up my bravest face, said hello to her and her friends, made small talk for the next 30 minutes, made a promise to meet up again, and got the hell out of there. It originally wasn't meant to be a long meeting anyway. We were to meet, support this little fair they were organizing and be gone...

My buddy wouldn't let it go for the next few months. He thankfully agreed to keep this secret from everyone else, but never missed a chance at taking a swipe at me (and not to mention blackmail) the next time the issue of meeting women arised.

I don't mean to be mean ladies and gentlemen.. but she was F.A.T. No... she was OBESE. I was about what 85kg? She was probably as heavy as I was! She was as tall as I was, about 177cm (taller that me on her heels) and definitely larger in built than me.... And her friends were all as big! She wore cloths and a bra so tight I could see all the access flesh on the verge of bursting at the seams.

I felt guilty for feeling this way. I didn't want to be a shallow guy only looking for hot women to befriend. I wasn't exactly your Mr. Hunky Six-Pack-Abs myself. But still I felt a bit cheated and mislead. Did I miss something here? Did I fail to properly decipher the part where she told me she 'on the big side'? She never told me her size, and I never asked either. It didn't really seemed like the question you'd need to ask a woman who wears spaghetti straps and hot pants showing their cleavage over a game of pool. I thought she was trying to tell me she was teasing them, I didn't realize she was actually feeding them disturbing images of semi nude obese women! I felt like sending her an email "Hey, was nice meeting you the other day. oh, btw, YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME YOU WERE FAT."

Anyway, it sort of fizzled out.. my fault perhaps. I made a few feeble attempts to kindle some sort of friendship with them over drinks in KLCC... But there's just something hard to accept when 1 man goes out and has drinks with 2~3 other women, all big and strong enough to break his neck. Its downright scary that's what it is.

After that, I just sort of gave up trying to meet any singles online. A bit traumatized I guess... This time it was just plus size women. What if next time it turned out to be former-body-builders-turned-transvestites? Boy would I be in deep shit if that happened.

So, a good many years later today, I hope I'm a bit wiser. Will I still consider meeting up with unknown women I met on the net? Yes, if there are any at all who are interested. I am looking for my Mrs. Jones and FUBU remember? But to avoid a similar experience to the above for all parties, here's a checklist for you to go through

1. Tell me you're fat and ugly. Even if you aren't, just be kind to this poor chap and lie to me. The prettier you are, the more your should insist that you look like a female version of quasimodo. Firstly, I can't take the pressure of trying to make a good impression if I knew you were hot. I'd just trip over myself make a mess of the entire meeting. Plus, if I go meet you fully expecting you to look like this picture, I couldn't possibly be disappointed even if you had one thick long brow across your head instead of two and a pair of crazy eyes. Get it? On the other hand, if you are fat and ugly and looked like the above.......well......at least you told me the truth, and there's no nasty surprise for me, and I'd already have my 'its-what's-on-the-inside-that-matters' speech fully memorized. :p Similarly, you should fully expect me to show up looking like the above picture, albeit in a bit more updated looking sweater, and just for you honey, I'll even comb my hair!

2. Lets keep the first meet agenda light and casual. Neither party should really be expecting anything more than a simple meet and chat to get an overall feel of the other person. You can go home and slowly decide what you think of me vice versa. Light and casual also means that either one can conveniently cut the meeting short if its not to their liking. For instance, I might not like the fact that you actually DO look like quasimodo and will suddenly have another appointment to catch. You on the other hand might find me as interesting as a newly installed toilet seat, and suddenly remembered that you needed to buy some sanitary pads before end of the day. I promise I will ask no more. No hard feelings right?

3. Come as yourself. Conventional wisdom would dictate that you put your best foot forward. But really, just come as who you are. If you are the girl next door, jeans and blouse type, that's fine. If you are the leather bound, whip cracking dominatrix type... well.... at least keep the whip at home ok. ;) If you are loud and chatty, be loud and chatty. If you are shy and quiet, be shy and quiet. If you are crazy and obnoxious..... well, try not to chase when I start running ok. lol. Its a major turn off when someone puts on an air to try to seem cooler than they really are.. and trust me, yes, you can tell when someone is putting on airs. A woman is prettiest when she smiles, and sexiest, when she is being her natural self..Remember that ok. Plus, the purpose of the whole meet is to get to know one another, not show how great we are. Express, not impress.

So, 3 small conditions. You think we can follow this little rules of engagement?

Cheers.