Corners of the Heart

We play around in bed, poking and tickling each other; laughing, giggling and having playful banter... like 2 little school kids having fun. It's one of those things we do; chasing each other around the house, tickling, playfully squabbling over who's the more retarded one.... She insist that I'm actually more wacky that I permit others to see, and that if people knew me like she did, no one would ever see me in the same light anymore...gone would be my air of seriousness and no nonsense nature. I insist I'm only this playful around her, and it's all her fault anyway.... she was the one that started it!

Its midnight, and all this laughing and joking is in a strange way, our little precursor to sex. We both sort of know what we want..... but before things get all steamy and sticky, we just play with each other, having a good laugh. Nothing gets you more relaxed than sharing a laugh.

She gets a call. Who would call in the middle of the night? It's her old friend from school. We've been meeting up as a foursome (not in bed dummy) for quite a few months now; she, myself, this guy, and another female friend. Good fun really; dinners together, movies, drinks on Saturday nights. Good company, good conversation, and everyone's on the same wavelength. So what's up?

It his birthday at the stroke of midnight. He's nearby, he's alone, and meeting up with friends in KL later, but for some reason, wants to come of for a yam cha. He ask if I'm there. She says yes. He ask if we'd like to go for a drink. She ask me if its OK.. I said.. "Yeah, its up to you.". She tells him the both of us will be done in five minutes.

I tell her she better go by herself. "Why? Come along la. He invited US." she says. For some reason, I said no. "Go ahead.. he's your friend remember. I'm sure he has something he wants to get off his chest." I replied. I mean.. if I were a guy, its the stroke of midnight, and its my birthday, and I call a hot and sexy female friend out for a drink, I certainly would not want her to bring her man along... But that's just it. I was not the guy. I was actually on the other end. And knowing this, I still didn't want to go. If I went, I was pretty sure he wouldn't spit out whatever he had to say / share. Its a guy ego thing. You don't sob, cry and whine like a baby in front of another dude.

Plus, I actually honestly liked this particular guy. Nice decent guy.. and we actually get along great (which is rare for me). Comes from a good respectable family (read Rich), very family centered, and he's this really really nice guy. She and him actually go back a longer way than me. They've known each other and been good friends through Secondary school, long before I ever came into the picture. She used to fancy this guy once upon a time, and confessed to him once in secondary school, but he sort of preferred that they remained just friends. Of course, that was long before she blossomed into the hottie she is today. You could see the look on his face when they finally met again after a 4 year absence (he was studying in Melbourne)... I think he must have been kicking himself for letting her slip pass! Sorry dude, you got here first, but I got the girl! Haha... But anyway, I digress.

For all intent and purposes, I should feel uncomfortable. I should be feeling threatened. I should be asking "Why the hell is he calling YOU of all person at this time of night?"... but I didn't. In fact, I actually encouraged her to go. "Go la.. sounds like he needs someone to talk to. If I come along, he'll just shut right up. It's ok, I'll be here when you get back." I said to her. She didn't feel comfortable. In fact, she even put up a small little attempt to protest. Are you sure? Won't you feel jealous or something? she asked. I give her the most disbelieving look I could muster and said "Come on, do I really look the type?". Not wanting to debate more, she got dressed and left "I won't be long ok darling.. We can continue after I get back".. gives me a wink and small kiss, and I sat there alone, just wondering what the hell did I just do. It seemed almost like I've given her a grand sending away to the arms of another man.. and I wasn't the least bit worried or upset.

The next morning when we talked, she told me she felt uncomfortable with going up with him alone like that. "I go out all the time with Lily (not her real name) just the two of us for drinks, and you know about it. Why should this be any different?" I said to her... But I understood what she was trying to say. She didn't want to have double standards. She knew that if the same thing the night before happened to me instead, she'd be mad, suspicious and jealous AS HELL.... she knows she can never have the same kind of assurance as I did in her. She could never wholeheartedly allow me to go have drinks with another woman in the midst of my time with her. Which woman ever would? Suspicion, jealousy and distrust would all kick in. She would feel threatened of her position in my heart instantly, despite us being so many years together. She knew this, and she knew that I knew it too.

Why did I do it? I think maybe I have always known the above about our relationship... and this time, when it sort of happened the other way around, I wanted to rub it in and prove a point. In allowing (and even encouraging) her to go, I knew I was giving to her something she has never been able to give me; complete trust and freedom. I wanted her to go out, have a good time, just the two of them, knowing fully well that I know, and that I'm ok with it. Because then, she would remember the countless times I had to go through hell, trying to convince and prove to her that my chit chat, yam cha sessions and friendship with female friends have always ever been that, just friends. I knew she would constantly monitor my whereabouts when she was not around and who I was with, get worried and think the worst when I don't answer. The green eyed monster in us sometimes make us do crazy things. "Where are you? Why aren't you answering my calls? Are you with someone?" You have no idea how demoralizing it can be to read those messages countless times, especially when you haven't even done a damn thing to cheat on the person. Oh.. yes, I wanted to rub it in. I wanted to remind her of this double standard that exist in our relationship, but I didn't want to do it in a hurt and begrudging way. This was the best way; to do and live by example. I'll treat you, not the way you've been treating me. I'll treat you the way I want to be treated.

But I still felt like there was more. This was one reason.. but I knew in my heart that there was also something else, something darker. I wanted her to go, and though I knew that there was nothing going on between the two, I wanted her to have all the opportunity in the world to HAVE something going on between them. Maybe at some level, I have some sort of guilt conscience, for all the things I have done, the things I so frequently want to do (as written in this blog) ..but mostly, for the things I know I'm capable of doing; things that could destroy in an instant what the two of us have been building for years. If I were her, I'd behave exactly the same way she did. As much as I demand complete trust from her, even if I got it, it would be undeserved.

I wouldn't trust myself.

I've always been told by people that I come across as a real nice guy, trustworthy and a gentlemen. I'm not boasting, its just what people usually end up saying of me. But just look at my writings, and the things I've been scheming....affairs, fuck buddies, one night stands...... Would you trust me? I wouldn't trust me. Give an inch, and they'll take a mile. A lot of times, women are right in their intuition. I am sicker than you think, I'm less of an angel that you know, and I'm certainly more cold and heartless than you can imagine.

And because of this, at some very twisted level in my head, I want her to go. I want her to have that chance to cheat or have her fun. Would I feel utterly betrayed and wronged? Of course I would. But maybe I would also feel like I deserve it, maybe not for anything I've ever done so far (which is basically nothing btw), but for the things I'm terrified I am going to do, in the coming months and years. If she cheated on me, it would be the lesser of two evils.... because if she did it, it would probably be with just one guy, out of passion of the moment, or crush or whatever. But for me, it's be so much worse. A deliberate, concerted and careful effort to do the things I'm not supposed to, to have my cake and eat it, I'll do it fully believing that I'll get away with it..... and the worst part of it all is, I know I'll probably fucking enjoy it so much I wouldn't want to stop.

For years and years I frowned upon my father and his womanizing ways. Always charming, always flirting with women. He had a way of talking to women... to make them laugh, to make them smile. My mother also kept silent, choosing to clench her teeth, swallow her pain and forsake her pride. He ruined his life with his ways, and she lost her mind, trying to put up with more than any woman ever should with her husband. Watching this growing up, I swore to myself I would never do to any woman what my father did to her; forsaken and unloved.

And yet here I am now, telling you these things. Make no mistake about it.

I........ am........ a.......bad.........person.

I'm a wolf under sheep's clothing, I'm the thief in the night, I am the one you least expect to hurt your feelings, but I probably will, in the most spectacular way.

If you know this, you'd stay away from me. I'm not the kind of guy you can trust your heart with. You can know a person for years and years and still not know the deepest darkest corners of their hearts; what despicable and shameful things people keep in that corner. I thought I knew mine. I thought I knew..... but when I really found out what was there, it scared the shit out of me.