Secrets....

I hope you don't have any secrets from me.... I don't keep anything from you.

I stare at her... completely taken aback. For a silly second there, I somehow thought she knew everything. But no.. that wasn't it. I looked deeply in her eyes. I am speechless. Two simple lines... and I am speechless. Again, I just look deep in her eyes. I see it. Love... Trust... Vulnerability...With love comes trust, and with trust... comes vulnerability.

Secrets... Yes, I have secrets. Secrets you'll never know. Isn't it funny that that would be the name of this blog? I am sharing things I never intend to share with anyone... but mostly from you. Strangers can know, bloggers can know.. but not you. You can never know.

A sense of guilt, of stupidity, of recklessness overcomes me. "You're a damn idiot, you really are. Why can't you just be happy with what you have? Don't you see the love in her eyes? Don't you hear the vulnerability in her tone?" I told myself.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with others who are reckless with yours.

That's what the song says isn't it? The song you listen to every single morning on the way to work you... Yes it is, you damn hypocrite.

I am insure what to say. I look back at her... I come forward... and I hug her long and hard. "I love you so much... there is nothing dear."

I lie.

There is nothing in my life I keep from her... except this. This strange little refuge I find in staring in front of the screen, divulging my inner thoughts and secrets to complete strangers who in the real world, don't really know who I am, what my life is like, or what I stand for. And yet, these strangers know my deepest insecurities, my darkest secrets, my lustiest wishes... but they remain that... strangers.

Is this blog that big a deal? Is it wrong of me to be keeping a secret account about my life and deliberately hiding it from the one I love most? She knows not of my blogging activities... and I happily keep it that way. The only ones I'm willing to share, are the ones you see on my Facebook.

The problem is not with the blog. The problem is what's IN the blog... thoughts that never see the light of day, things I do behind her back. That's the real thing I'm hiding, that's the real thing that left me speechless; the fact that I could love this woman so much, and yet still keep secrets from her. While she kept nothing from me.. surrendering totally all that she has, keeping no secrets.

It makes me feel like a horrible person. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Has harbouring secrets sexual desires and lusty thoughts become a barrier between us? Why do I have these thoughts and feelings? Am I truly unsatisfied? What am I really looking for? Is it something I just need to get out of my system? Or is it something much deeper than that? Is this a sign of a rot in our relationship? AM I the root cause of this rot?

Why can't I just be simple and whole?

I sit in silence, inching my way through traffic. I turn my radio off. I try to hear myself think. The rain starts falling, and I listen to the raindrops...... the words come back "I don't keep anything from you"..........I switch the radio on... full blast. I sing along.. as loudly as I can... I need to drown out the thoughts that follow those words.

Someone else's words echo in my head.. Something about trying to become someone we're not. Something about being honest with ourselves... Suddenly I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Sex is but a small (albeit important) part of my life. Am I blowing it out of proportion and making it a bigger deal that it really is? So what if I don't get any sex for the next 12 months? So what if I never do a one night stand or find a fuck buddy? So what? There's so much of other things in my life I need to deal with.. a mother stuck in a home, a father thinking of flying away, an discontented brother, an insecure girlfriend, and a confused me who can't even decide if he's really sexually frustrated or not.

Damn it....

Maybe I don't really need a fuck buddy. Maybe I just need a buddy first.