When Minutes Fill An Eternity.

Has it really been just a month since the new year? It feels so much longer than that.

I think it was C.S Lewis that said "The future is something that everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is."

For once, I actually disagree with him. YOU try feeling lonely, wistful and forlorn every other night. YOU try letting go of what your heart aches and so desires for and then tell me at what rate that hour seems to pass. I know the hour is still filled with sixty minutes but when your heart is in turmoil,  but sitting through every single one of those minutes takes such an effort.

A much quoted line from the series Dawson's Creek "Letting go isn't a one-time thing, it's something you have to do everyday, over and over again."

People always imagine letting go as a one time thing; a one off decision you just got to bring your heart to accept. And once you arrive at that point where you feel you are ready to let go, you do it. You let go. And you think the worse is over.

But no, that's really just the start. You find yourself waking up the next morning still wanting the very thing you just let go. Again, you struggle and struggle to tame your unyielding heart. By the end of the day, you are tired and drained. But at least, you did it. Through sheer will power, you managed to let go, again. But for a good few days, you find yourself retreating into a shell. You're exhausted. You feel detached from the world. Your heart; too spent to feel anything. Yes, you function, you work, you socialize, but looking at your own frowning reflection in the mirror alone at night, you and you alone know the reason why the smiles form on your face, but not in your heart.

Some days you think you're on the right track. You find moments to be genuinely happy about here and there; friends that genuinely love you, time bonding with your family, a productive day at work, good food, enjoyable evenings out. They help lift your spirits... and you think maybe you can do this. Maybe it's not that hard. Maybe you've finally found the courage and the strength you need to let go.. for real this time.

But the frustrating thing about our emotions is, it's always playing tricks on you... or at least, that's how it seems. Because believe it or not, you still find yourself sitting in the dead of the night thinking thoughts you shouldn't, wanting things you really should stay far away from........ yearning for people you swore you will never hurt again. Before you know it, your heart is raging its own battle all over again... the same one you thought you had just conquered. But this time, your battered heart isn't as strong as it was when the first battle was fought... and yet, you already know the outcome that must prevail. You know what you must do despite it getting harder instead of easier. But like a solider fighting more out of obligation than conviction, you don't really want to be there, you don't really want to win this battle anymore. You just want to surrender, you just want to give in.

I guess here's the most frustrating part; what you want the most, is sometimes the very thing you mustn't have. And having to remind yourself of that fact every single morning is bound to drain you in one way or another. Its what really makes the day drag on and on. It's what really makes your heart tired and spent all the time. Its what really makes sixty minutes add up to an hour, but fill up an eternity.

Good night world.