Sexual Prowess 101

Listen up boys..... 

Two words : Sexual prowess

Simply put, it's your skill or stamina pertaining to sex.

Guys are competitive by nature in almost everything they do. Everything from how fast you run, how heavy you can lift, and even how far you can pee.... everything's a competition. Even sex becomes competitive sport. All men, I repeat, ALL MEN strive to become good lovers. And a big part of being a good lover is being good in bed. Now believe it or not, more than the number of women he can bed, a big chunk of a man’s ego is measured by his ability to satisfy them in bed. This is why everywhere in the world, we men seemed preoccupied over how good we are in bed. When I say how good we are, it means that if we are BAD in bed… we don’t want to know about it. Our fragile little egos can’t really handle that sort of failure. That’s why it ends up become the first thing on our minds, but last thing on our lips.

The problem with trying to measure sexual prowess: there are no quantifiable measurements. Imagine a guys line of thought; his ego is inexplicably linked to his performance in bed. He wants to know, but he’s also too terrified to ask. And on the other side, woman hardly go around telling men how good they are ‘performing’ because they don’t see it that way. And in addition, different women probably find different things pleasurable. So the man struggles in trying to find his own way of measuring his sexual prowess. Something he can measure across the field. He doesn’t just want to know; he NEEDS to know.

So what does he do? He falls back on the things he DOES know, which isn’t that much, but hopefully adequate. And what’s the most fundamental topic men who try to claim themselves to be men have good knowledge in? You guessed it: SPORTS. If marathons are about how fast you run and weight lifting is about how heavy you can carry…. hmmMMMm.. then surely sexual prowess is about how long you can last right? And if ending a race means crossing a finish line, then wrapping up your sex session must be the woman reaching orgasm right? Bingo! So the man concludes that that the longer you can last in bed, the higher the chance of her having an orgasm and the better you are. Simple, quantifiable, measurable; just the way a man likes his world to be. He now officially thinks he’s a god damn genius. Not since the theory of relativity has any man come to such a profound discovery.

Unfortunately, it all starts going downhill from there.

First, he discovers that he can’t last long enough. From highly reliable sources (namely porn), he knows that he needs to go at it for a good 30 minutes before the woman can come to a screaming orgasm. He of course ignores the fact that he actually also needs a 10” cock the size of a police baton (fragile egos remember). He tries, but discovers that the harder you try, the more nervous you get. The more nervous you get, the harder it is to stay erect (that kinda rhymes eh?). This of course results in an epic failure and he will cower away in shame for a good few days before attempting it again. His ego is on the line. But being a resourceful man, he thinks of ways to last longer; jacking off before sex, slowing down, doing math equations in his head, recite poetry… anything to ward off the impending explosion just a while longer… At least until she comes first…. THEN all hell can break loose.That's what he will keep telling himself "Just hold out until she comes..."

He first last for 2 minute during penetration; measly by any standards. Through sheer determination, he works his way up to 5 minutes….. but no orgasm. He tries harder and last 10 minutes…. Still no orgasm. He pulls out all the stops, solves 2 dozen quadratic equations and through sheer superhuman effort, last a good 20 minutes. Lo and behold…. NO ORGASM.

FUCK.

Something’s not right. But men aren’t quitters. He’s built to solve problems. If he can build the freaking pyramids, he can certainly do this. He calls in his chums.. and together, they spend billions of dollars in pharmaceutical research. They invent a little blue pill that will get him hard as a stick for hours on end. HAHA! Now you’re screwed my dear (no pun intended). If this doesn't make you come, nothing will. Of course, they have to mask they true intentions by telling the world it’s made for the old geezers who can’t get it up at all.

He pops the pill…. And the next round, he last a good hour. He comes repeatedly, but is still able to stay erect. Surely, this is it. Surely he has conquered. Surely she will………what’s that???

NO ORGASM? WHAT THE FUCK MAN?

He can't figure it out for the life of it.. So the woman... now suffering from a sore vagina and hearing way too many quadratic equations in bed, puts an end to all his crap and sets it straight once and for all to the man. She tells him two things:


Firstly, women don’t necessarily orgasm the longer you fuck. In fact, sometimes it just gets sore if it’s taking too long and she’s not enjoying it. It’s more on how good you are at doing it rather than how long you can keep at it. You would have done better learning how to spot what she likes, and what makes her feel good. Pushing the same button repeatedly no matter how long isn’t going to help if it’s the wrong fucking button.

Men’s reaction : WHAAAAAAATTTT????!!!!! There's more than one button???

Then the next second even more earth shattering truth.….. (take a deep breath men)

For women, having an orgasm isn’t a MUST every single time. It’s out of this world, and she most certainly enjoys it.... but if it doesn’t come… it’s can still be good and satisfying for the woman. You don’t have to beat yourself up if she doesn’t come like clockwork. An intense but pleasurable 10 minute fuck beats 45 minutes of mechanical fucking hands down.And you can always go at it AGAIN later.....

Men’s reaction : NO SHIT!! REALLY????!!! WTF??!!!!! We're allowed to do it AGAIN? *faint*

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And back he goes to square one. But at least he learns a few things. 

#1 Sports analogies don't work for everything.
(You now need to stop worshipping ESPN)

#2 Porn movies are total fucking liars.
(You've always suspected those 10" cocks were CGI generated anyway)

#3 It's better to hear it straight from the horses woman's mouth
(In other words...... you should have just asked her in the first place Romeo)


*disclaimer*
I'm not a woman. I don't pretend to understand woman's sexuality very well. I might have gotten some things wrong about women and what they like in bed. If you're a woman, and have something to add or correct, you can say it or share it here to the benefit & education of all men.