How to Buy a Condom

Condoms...

Your primary means of protection against unwanted babies... and unwanted Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs). Also a pre-requisite should you be one of those people harbouring to get laid anytime soon.

You know how learning how to ride a bike, or having your first kiss tend to be defining milestones in your life? Well, I think for men, buying your own condoms for the first time is one of those moments. Buying condoms for the first time has got to be one of those most awkward retail moments I've ever experienced. Come to think of it... buying condoms STILL is an incredibly awkward thing to do.


I don't know if it's just me that feels this way, or if other men feel it too. But have you ever walked into a conveniences store... with the single purpose of buying yourself a pack of condoms... only to find yourself grabbing a few other completely random and unneeded items to go along with that pack of condoms?

I swear.... it happens to me every time.

It's almost like... you can't just walk into 7Eleven and just buy condoms only.... nothing else. You gotta walk in... browse around a bit... pick up some everyday stuff like some bread... or a beer... or whatever.. and walk to the counter, go by the rack of condoms and go "Oh, what do we have here? Condoms? Hmm. Yeah, I think I need a few... might as well." before proceeding to select your pack. I suspect maybe these convenience store people sort of KNOW these unspoken awkwardness about buying condoms. We'll never know. But the condoms are often often strategically placed nearest to the counter... so that it can always be the LAST item you pick up before leaving the store. Nobody wants to be seen doing their shopping holding a pack of condoms.

Selecting your condoms also always seem to be a hurried job too. I don't know about others, but I enjoy reading packaging labels before purchasing an item. I like to know what I'm buying. The first time I plucked up the courage to walk up to the condom rack, I was completely perplexed. I thought condoms were just condoms... But NoooOOooo.. you're presented with a myriad of choices. There's flavoured ones, ribbed ones, ultra thin, extra safe, comfort fit, extra pleasure, extra spicy etc etc..... I panicked. "WTF man.. what's all this shit? I just want a regular condom!" But at the same time, I feel compelled to properly make a selection too, in line with regular shopping habits. You add this to a unspoken reluctance to be seen lingering too long around the 'condom section'... I often end up just picking one.. ANY ONE.. within 20 seconds of arriving at the rack.

So you grab your pack.. and walk to the counter.. and hold it like it's just one of those things you picked up 'along the way' with the rest of your stuff and act cool.

This is the part where it can go either very smooth, or seriously awkward depending on your situation. There are 2 people you will meet. Other shoppers... and the cashier. If either one are MEN...you're safe. If one man sees another buying a pack of condoms, it's nothing to be shy about. It's almost something to gloat about. That packet of condoms basically shouts out "Take a good look at my face dude. This is the face of someone who's getting laid." The bigger your pack of condoms, the stronger the signal. And yes, you're allowed to snigger, though it's completely unnecessary. My suggestion; let the condoms speak for itself. Of course, this novelty dies down the older you get when buying condom don't seem such a big deal anymore.

Now, if you bump into a FEMALE cashier / shopper.. things may get a bit awkward. Maybe if the person was your age.........it's fine. Everyone screws around these days. No big deal. Just cross your finger and hope she isn't looking at your face and wondering "Wah, this kind of fella also can get laid ar? Bluueeerghhh" To preempt this reaction.... make sure you never go buying condoms in your favorite stinky shirt, shorts and slippers. You don't have to put on your best cloths, style your hair, spray some cologne and wear your best shoes.. The goal here is just to look somewhat 'fuckable'... Geddit. Fuckable. Consider tucking in your tummy throughout the entire duration you are in the store. If you're still looking ugly and repulsive despite best efforts, my deepest condolences. Dark shades or paper bags over the head are always useful.

The real problem comes if the lady you encounter... is any one those ultra conservative aunties who refer to sexual organs as 'your down there la'.. or 'that thing la'. Boy.... can you imagine holding a pack of condoms standing next in line to a lady old enough to be your mother? **Sweat** She'll probably be wondering "Eiyer.. look at this boy.... buying condom. He doesn't look like he's married. Tsk tsk tsk... kids these days ar....I wonder who's daughter is that." There's something awkward about acknowledging sexual desire when it comes to people we consider our elders. I'd no sooner divulge any details of my sex life to my father than I would listening to vivid details of how my parents 'do it'. It's just................ awkward. Sometimes I wonder how they'd reach if I looked straight back at them in the eye and smile and a wink, basically sending the message "Oh yes auntie. I'm boinking someone's daughter good. And yes, it could easily be yours!" Hahaha.... the thought never ceases to amuse me.

So yeah... that's pretty much it. You make your payment. and you walk out the door. And suddenly it doesn't seem like such a difficult thing after all, until you need to buy some more that is. Hahaha.....

Anyway, here's a good joke about condoms to close this (already way out of hand) post. It goes something like this:

A boy walks into a store with his dad and passes the condoms section. He becomes very curious about the different pack sizes and ask his dad how you know which sizes to buy


"Well son, the 3 in one packs are for single colleague students. One each for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday." said the dad.


"What about the 6 in one pack?" ask the son.

"That? Oh, that's for when you're dating someone seriously. One for each day of the week, except Sundays. Sundays you rest." said the father. 

"And the 12 in one pack?" ask the son. 

"That one my boy? Sigh..... That's for when you're married. One for January, one for February, one for March so on and so forth.............." 

 Cheers!!