Jacking off is like...

Jacking off is like............ going vegetarian.

It fulfills the purpose. It gets you through the day. It fulfills the hunger for a while. But it hardly ever leaves you satisfied the way sinking your salivating mouth into a hot juicy piece of woman meat does...

And for the record, I hate going vegetarian. I always need meat.

I know what you did...

He thinks I didn't notice... but I did.

He thinks I didn't know... I already did, from the very start.

But I play along.

I close an eye.

I'll put up with it for now.

Il'l feign ignorance for now.

I'll allow you your little secret........ for now.

Why? Because everyone has secrets they keep... and so do I.

Pissed, tired, horny

Sorry, I'm not in the mood to write about anything remotely interesting here. 

It's 3.30a.m in the morning right now, my eyes are heavy, my shoulders are tense, and every inch of my body is asking for rest. But for some reason, my heart won't settle.

Maybe it's because I'm disturbed. We just had first long distance argument over IM's and Skype. She was damn pissed at me.. over some stupid issues pertaining to her family and medicine.. which I will not write here (cuz I'm just not in the mood for that right now)... and somewhat upset that I had not informed her that I was going out with friends...

You want to know a secret? I lied.

I told her I was out with my guy friends watching a movie. That was only half true. I was in fact, out with A friend. A female one at that. And we had dinner, and a movie, the we drove around, and stayed out late for drinks before saying goodnight.... and yes we had a good time (or at least I think we did)

Don't misunderstand. There was no hanky panky. We were friends. This was just casual dinner. And a movie. Heck, she paid for dinner, at her insistence. Our appointment was made weeks earlier. She wanted someone to watch a movie with. I just wanted some company. She needed some help with her boyfriend's car. I just wanted to drive her boyfriends car (because I've never driven a car like that before). Perfectly harmless. Perfectly platonic.

But I lied anyway. Because it was easier that way. Her insecurities and suspicions sometimes knew no bounds. She'd automatically be suspicious of any women around me other than those already known and trusted by her. She didn't trust other women. She stopped short of saying it in words, but she didn't trust me either.

But I wasn't about to kick a fuss or complain. Let her maintain her distrust. It's OK. It's warranted. Because god knows, thoughts of cheating had already come to me very early on. Thoughts of screwing other women, and stating affairs and whatever else comes my way.......... oh yes.. they were there.... and I think I've been only too ready to act on them. Maybe I've just been waiting for the right opportunity and the right candidate to come along. Will I feel guilty? Probably. Is it enough to stop me? Honestly? No. I meant it when I said I'm sick and tired of being goody two shoes. This time, I don't care if what I'm doing isn't quite right, or morally acceptable. I find myself yearning. Yearning to feel with my body, the warmth and the pleasure of a woman's body. 

I'm not used to this permanent heightened state of horniness. Imagine getting a steady supply of tap water for years and years.... and suddenly the tap is shut tight. That's how it is right now. I'm high, and I'm dry. My judgment is clouded. My mind is polluted. Dirty imagines and thoughts have found a permanent place in my head. Every interaction with persons of the opposite sex seemed a more heightened than normal. Every casual brush of the skin and touch of the hand... more arousing to me than it really should be.

I also look at my recent few post was just wondering since when did I so suddenly favour using the F words so often and so liberally. It's probably an accumulation of sexual frustration. It has to come out in some way.... and in my case, it's seeping through my words. It's no longer enough to just say "I'm feeling horny." I need to say "I'm feeling fucking horny." It's not enough to say "I need some pussy right now.:" It's "I fucking need some fucking pussy right fucking now.". It just feels like the words not quite properly convey the emotion without the F word sprinkled (generously) around my sentences.

OK... that's it.. that's all I have to say right now. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning after a good rest... But right now? I'm just pissed. I'm pissed, I'm tired.... and I'm horny.


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghhh.......

This lucky S.O.B... is my idol.

You see this guy right here? Well, at the moment.......he's my freaking idol. Or more like fucking idol.

In case you haven't heard, this dude right here was formally known as some professional photographer. But today, he's mostly known as the lucky-son-of-a-b*tch who's threesome sex tape with Ms. Japan 2008 and Ms Trinidad & Tobago 2008 has been leaked onto the internet.

Another sex tape you wonder? I mean, after Paris Hilton and Dr. Chua Soi Lek (our former minister), Gary Ng and Edison Chen, you'd wonder if this was even news worthy anymore. Sex tape only mah... what's the big deal?

The big deal is....... the footage........It's raw, it's real.. it's SMOKING HOT!

In case you haven't seen it, parts of the video here but you gotta search elsewhere to find the missing first half, which features Ms. Japan in some much hotter action. First half of the video has little Ms. Japan giving our dude here a blowjob before being pounded in the ass by our hero here. Maybe Ms Japan doesn't do it up the ass often, or maybe she likes it too much, but BOY.. she is SCREAMING HER LUNGS OUT.. and when he's done, she has this "Oh.. MY.. F'in GOD.." look on her face. And who's filming them? Ms. TnT of course!!

After some cute jokes and a giggle he asks Ms. Japan "Do you want to film me fucking her (Ms TnT).." and she starts Ms. TnT in action with said lucky bastard who starts out doing doggy style before changing to ride on top of him and yes, anal too.

I watched the entire footage, mouth agape, cock hard as a rock, wondering to myself "How the fuck did this guy get so lucky? Having a threesome is one thing. Have a threesome with 2 hotties is another.... but having a threesome with 2 national pageant winners?????????? THAT.. IS.. FUCKING... WICKED... DUDE.

I suppose he sort of knew that himself, cuz there's this one moment when the dude has the biggest, goofiest grin on his face when pounding Ms. Japan in the ass from behind that said something to the extent "Look at me ma, I'm pounding Ms. Japan in the ass, and I'm about to pound Ms. TnT too!"

When you hear me, and the rest of the male population calling him a lucky son of a b*tch.. it's our way of begrudgingly acknowledging that the guy has just did something all other men only dream about. And in my current ultra hyped up state of horniness, you just want to fucking HATE THE DUDE!! I mean, how do you think it makes a person feel, when he can't even get laid normally, and then he hears about a dude, who takes pictures for a living, gets to screw cute little Japan AND and sultry Ms TnT.....at the SAME TIME!!...There should be a law against boinking 2 beauty queens at one time I tell you.

The only other person I can think of that might match this guy... is none other than George Best.. the legendary Manchester United player. God rest his soul now that he's dead, but George Best is considered a real legend among Man Utd fans... but he wasn't famous just for kicking a ball around like he owned the field. He was known to be a heavey drinker, and a real charmer (read womanizer). So much so that he was said to have dated and bedded countless countless hot beauty queens and models and actresses........ You can never be sure of which part of his life they are referring to when people call him The Legend; what he could do with a ball.... or what /who he did with HIS BALLS?

But I doubt even George Best had a threesome with two beauty queens.. which is why our lucky bastard over here, also deserves some sort of salute also la..........which is why for at least this moment, this guy is my idol!!

I need this book : Idiot's Guide: How To Get Laid

2 seconds after publishing that last post, I wondered if I should perhaps delete it.

I was suddenly worried about what people might start thinking. I was just thinking.. "Ayo, after whoever reads it just thinks I'm just this crude, horny desperate guy who doesn't even know how to get himself laid. How ar how ar how ar?"

Then I remembered. "Wait, oh ya, right...I AM a freaking crude horny desperate guy who doesn't know how to get himself laid. It's not the only thing that I am.. but it's certainly one of the things." Hahaha........

I laughed at myself.... and decided to just keep it there.

After all, I'm pretty sure every (normal) human being, male or female, young or old, straight or gay, holy or hell-bound have at some point in their life felt the same way... Horny as hell but not doing anything about it cuz, they're just not quite sure WHAT do to.

You know that series of 'Idiots Guide To' books? Yeah, well I think they missed one subject to their series.

 "Idiot's Guide : How To Get Laid"

F.U.C.K.

I know I may be just blowing things out of proportion right now.

I know many men have lasted longer without.

I know it ain't about to kill me

this sounds crude

BUT

I'M

STARTING

TO

FEEL

SO

DAMN

FUCKING

HORNY

&

JACKING

OFF

EVERY

SINGLE

NIGHT

HAS

NOT

HELPED

ONE

SINGLE

BIT

.

WHAT

THE

FUCK

AM

I

SUPPOSED

TO

DO

.

NO

FUCKING

WAY

CAN

I

LAST

THE

NEXT

YEAR

WITHOUT

GETTING

ANY

PUSSY

.

I

NEED

A

REAL

FREAKING

BLOWJOB

FROM

A

WOMAN

.

I

NEED

TO

SPANK

SOME

ASS

.

I

NEED

TO

GRAB

SOME

BOOBS

.

I

NEED

TO

EAT

SOME

PUSSY

.

I

NEED

A

FUCK

.

ARRRRGGHHH

.

TOMORROW

EVEN

A

PIANO

LEG

MIGHT

START

TO

LOOK

AROUSING

.

 I

THINK

I'M

F.U.C.K.E.D

of menstruating & Horniness

Would you have sex with your partner if she was on her period?

This topic came up recently in one of my conversations with a friend. Apparently, some women are horniest when their on their periods.

Funny, cuz I always thought women tend to become extra bitchy (than normal) during these times due to the discomfort. Some women I know have cramps so bad they can't function the entire day. Other women seem to just breeze through it. Some women get PMS (which contrary to popular belief, is actually short for Prehistoric Monster Syndrome) while others don't seem any effects at all. And suddenly I'm told women are also horniest when during their period! Can you believe that?

I somehow think this isn't true for all women. (I'm pretty sure their isn't any statistics on this either). But I wouldn't dare challenge the authenticity of such statement especially when it is made by a woman herself.... simply because... well..... Firstly, hearing that a woman gets horny is always a kind of good news no man would willingly disprove. We want you to be horny. We really do. It makes us being absolute dickheads not such a bad thing.  And second, this sorta thingy fits nicely into a category I like to call 'the great mysteries of the universe; figuring women out'. Women are 'un-figure-out-able' (HAH, I'm pretty sure I've just invented a new word there). Thirdly, we don't really understand this whole period and PMS thingy. I once read a quote (can't remember who sorry) that said something to this effect "I can never fully understand something that bleeds 5 days in a month, every month.... and doesn't die." Whoever that brave man was, I'm pretty sure he slept on the couch that night (or was buried six feet under if the wife was on PMS)

But if I was a woman, and I was having stomach cramps, I'm bleeding out of my vagina, and I've got to wear this pad everywhere, soaking up my blood, I don't think I could be horny one bit. In fact, I'd probably want to make all the men around me who don't bleed every month suffer too. Make them bleed too. Muahahahaha...

Assuming this is true, that women do get hornier during their periods, and she's willing to get it on with you, there are still some hurdles to overcome. First there is the issue of blood and the mess it creates. A man will need to overcome the fact that she's bleeding. This is a case of mind over matter. You've got to be horny enough, not to care that you're about to stick your weener into a bleeding vagina filled with month old placenta and membranes being ejected from the body.

Then, there's the issue of creating a mess. If you're humping on the bed, it's bound to stain. A coloured / disposable towel will be needed at hand. Your freedom of movement is also limited, as you can't be withdrawing and performing half the positions of the kama sutra without dripping blood everywhere. At max, you're stuck with 1 or 2 selected positions. And when the deed is done, and the man withdraws, he'll have to overcome the inclination to faint upon seeing his weener smothered with blood. (and if you have a weak stomach for blood, this may be a problem). There can also be no more oral sex after penetration.

A fantastic idea was mooted by my friend to counter this. Do it in the shower. Brilliant. No mess, blood washes away, and there's no need to shower again after sex!

Another plus point on having sex on a woman's period (other than the fact that she's extra horny) is that there is zero chance of getting pregnant. There's no worry about accidentally conceiving, no counting down the days to your period, and the best part is, no condoms needed. You can do it raw (provided you trust she hasn't any STD's. Ain't that a good trade off?

So gathering the facts, I stand a better chance of getting laid if I can find myself a horny menstruating woman who needs a shower.

Here's the pickup line (doomed for failure)...

"Hey babe, you menstruating?" 

"What?" *slap* 


"Ouch, no.. I mean... you look like you might be feeling horny tonight you.. cuz you know, you are menstruating right?"  *wink*


"WTF?" *slap slap*


"No, no.. I mean that in a good way.. as in if you're horny, but menstruating, maybe you / we should take a shower?" 


"You sick pervert!" *punch & kick in the balls*


:-S

Sigh...............hopeless. I'm never going to be able to pick up women, menstruating or otherwise.