I'll miss you....

The radio was playing gently, as I navigated my way through traffic. We were coming home from dinner.

The countdown had started almost a month ago, when she first got the news confirmed. I was so excited when I heard the news. "Oh my god, you got it! You got it! Exactly the way you have hoped for!" I said to her with excitement. I guess the euphoria of it all was still in the air.. and I was just conveniently shoving aside the implications of it all. It was what she wanted. It was what she had been aiming for. And it was what, I was supporting her in.

She was going away.

But tonight, I felt the looming arrival of that date.. the date she will be going away. As the weeks passed, the feeling of euphoria had slowly turned into one of a somewhat detached feeling of pending sadness, uncertainty... and mostly fear.

"A lot of things can happen in a year..." one nay sayer told us.

"You're putting your relationship at risk..." another said.

"Money isn't everything..... " came one more answer.
"Men shouldn't be trusted......" that was the worst.

Were they right? Is what's about to happen really that big a deal? Am I doing the right thing? Am I risking unnecessarily? What if something DOES happen in this one year? A part of me is fearful of what they say... because in some ways, maybe it's true. Maybe men CAN'T be trusted. And me being a man myself...... like I said, I wouldn't trust myself. If temptation came, if opportunity arise..... could I resist? will I resist? I shrug the thought aside... knowing fully well what the answer was.

Another part of me stares at these nay sayers in defiance. I believe in the foundation of what we've been building all these years. It'll take more than a year of being physically apart to tear down what we've been building for seven years. At least, that's what I've been telling people. I've been dragged down that road before.. that road of temptation.. and I've emerged from it.. victorious... many a times. I knew I could resist it, so long as the will to resist was there...

But even the strongest of hearts falter sometimes. And I did. I faltered. The one and only time I even did falter. And it was........... in her absence.

I reached out, and switched off the radio. I reached out for for her hand, and she grabbed mine gently. Our hands clasping in that familiar way.. and I held it, not wanting to let go. I remembered when we used to drive my first car, it was a manual car. I had to let go of her hand everytime I had to change gears. She would smack my hand and ask me to pay attention to the road when I tried grabbing her hand or rubbing her thighs. She would feign protest, and threaten to tell everyone how cheeky a guy I really was, but she would always let me hold her hand. Now that I drove an auto transmission car, I never had to let her go of her hand at all.

A part of me now didn't want to let her go away. Maybe that was why I was holding her hand again, all of a sudden. Months and months of encouraging and supporting. Months and months of reassuring her and everyone else that it was ok, I found myself unsure about myself. I was sad... I was confused... but mostly... I was scared. Scared of myself......................

A red light blinks, and I bring the car to a halt. I let go of her hand, and brushed her thighs again. I turn to look at her.

"You know I'll miss you right..................." I said.

There is a pause as she looks at me in the eye, as if she could tell that despite all looks an appearances, there was more in between the lines in that sentence. She knew I was never the type to start getting emotional so easily. I think it was the pauses and silence in between that she was reading. In some ways, I'm sure she knew that for one emotion I was revealing, there were so many others I was hiding, just to put up a brave face to make her departure easier. 

I looked back into her eyes. And I knew that it only took one word from me. One utterance from me, and she'd cancel the whole damn thing and stay, because I asked her to. She had told this to me, and I knew it was true. But she also knew.......... that I would never do that. I have loved, encouraged, supported, argued, debated, fussed and fought with her... But she knew I'd never order her. I knew that she freely gave me a big say in a lot of the things she did. I knew she'd listen to what I say. But  I loved her too much to try to take away her individuality.

"I'll miss you too... " she replied.

I look to the front as the light turns green and the cars start moving again. The silence continues as I gently stroked the back of her palm.

"You don't like that la......... Make me feel so....... " as she pulls her hands to her chest and rest them on her heart.

I got the message. There was a reason I avoid getting overly emotional with her in critical times. I don't think she could handle the sight of me completely breaking down emotionally. It has always been her the emotional one, I the level headed one. She the over reacting one, me the voice of reason. I knew I had to be the stronger one emotionally. I knew even if it was just a front.... I had to be the braver one, for her sake.

I look at her and smile... "No la.. just saying only.... " in a considerably more lighthearted tone.. "after all, who am I going to ham sap with while you're gone? Unless you don't mind la, I go look for my mistress.... "

"Hmmphh!!!" she says as she crosses her arms..

"Don't you know? She's only the second prettiest girl after you..." I reply. 

"And who would that be?".....

"Andrea Fonseka...." I said.

"You aarrrr.... So yam! So ham sap.. forever with your Andrea Fonseka... Go marry her la u..." she starts ranting away, fully aware of my open adoration for the former beauty queen, one of the very few celebrities I actually like.

"Not marry la.. Mistress only. " I shoot back.

"People don't want you also la.... " she says back.

There will be plenty of time to think of those things again... but right now, I had to enjoy moments I was living right now. I smile a big cheeky smile at her again... and she pulls my ear in jest, and she forgets all about the vulnerable moment we had earlier. I turn up the radio again and speed down the road.... burying those thoughts for a while longer.