Balls, Chimps & Fuck buddies....

One wife just ain't enough

Don't ask me why our local newspapers seem to be constantly reporting weird sex-related stories from our southern neighbour Singapore. This being the most recent one, about a taxi driver marrying 3 different women, one local Singaporean, one mainland Chinese and the last one Filipina. He's line of defense? He loved all three of them! Public outcry and hoo-haa because we're supposed to be a monogamous society.

Thank got me thinking. Are we monogamous or polygamous, or bigamous..whateverelse-gamous lot? I couldn't gather a bunch of guys fast enough to answer this question, so I started looking at our closes relatives, the monkeys and other primates instead. I mean, minus the fur and the tail, most men tend to behave like monkeys anyway

I found out that some primates, such as Gorillas are polygamous... meaning the alpha male basically screws all the female he can conquer while the rest of the lower ranking minions are left to jack themselves (or each other) off. The alpha male is the biggest, strongest, bad ass there is in the group, and as such, all the female monkeys with all their sophistication and high standards, will only be willing to be screwed by this baddy

Other species such as Chimpanzees are more promiscuous in their mating system. The males screw any and all females. and the females screw any and all the males they want. I believe you call that polyandrous. Cool eh? The only problem chimps will have is that they have to constantly be mating in order to keep their bloodline. But that's like having too much money to spend. Its a problem, but it's a GOOD problem. Anyone who complains of such things needs to get their ass kicked. I finally understand why scientist have been saying all these years that chimps are the most intelligent mammals next to us. They aren't just clever, they're freaking geniuses! Chimps... the original swingers. 

Here's where it gets interesting. Researches have found out, that the answer to my question, lies..... IN THE BALLS... literally. Your balls guys, start cupping them. See in polygamous species such as gorillas, have small balls. Because the way it works is, since the alpha male has defeated all other males and now owns all the females, his sperm isn't in contest. He can screw them as and when he likes, at his leisure. Thus, his balls aren't well developed. Polyandrous species such as chimps on the other hand, have huge balls, because they don't fight each other over the women. Everyone screws everyone else. The battle is a statistical one; the more often you screw, the higher the chance you are the dad of half the next generation of chimps, thus the need for huge balls, to produce more sperm. I guess it ain't easy being a chimp either. But doesn't that sound so much more developed (not to mention fun) than say, just physically bashing up other males and taking the women?

So you see, the conclusion is, Gorillas are stronger and mightier, but damn crude la. Chimps are more sophisticated, and have the bigger balls... Don't you just love biology?  (I wonder why they never taught this to us in biology back in school. LOL..... )

So back to us Homo Sapiens...

Unfortunately ladies, I can't tell you if the men in this region have big balls or small balls, because quite frankly, I haven't seen that many sets of balls, beyond the kind that's MEANT to be kicked and dribbled with. If you have kicked and dribbled any other kinds of balls, kindly refrain from doing so in the future.... we too would like to have kids some day. The only balls I'm intimately familiar with are my own, but its size is a secret YOU'll never know! ;-)

But it seems from comparison, humans have 'medium' sized balls. To quote a line from the article:

Humans, which have a socially monogamous mating system, accompanied by moderate amounts of sexual non-monogamy, have moderately sized testes

So in layman terms, we are in between the gorillas and the chimps. That means, part of us will always ever be fighting for position to be alpha male, jostling and shoving other men aside to 'own' as many women as we can. Winner takes all. Losers are left high and dry. The other part of us are just like the chimps. I screw your wife, you screw mine. We all get drunk Saturday night and do a sex orgy, everyone's happy, everyone's satisfied. May the man with the biggest balls be called dad. I'm suddenly more fond of chimpanzees than I have ever been.

Here's the article I was reading.

To tell you the truth, I'm more inclined to think we are more like chimpanzees, or at least I am. Sexually, I mean. (No, I'm not trying to hint at the size of my balls). Our society advocates social monogamy, and along with it, sexual monogamy. Social monogamy means that you make living arrangements, spend your money and live your day to day life with one partner. Sexual monogamy means that you only have sex with one partner at any one given time. But only 3~5% of mammals are sexually monogamous! And I tell you, those intelligent chimps aren't part of that 5%!

In a way, it explains why despite being perfectly happy in a relationship with a good sex life, my eyes still stray, and my mind lingers upon other women or why I am still having this obsession of having a fuck buddy. Turns out it's because I'm a freaking warm blooded mammal, with medium sized balls! Social monogamy aside, sexual monogamy is something perhaps we are all in-built to struggle with. Maybe that's why both women and men have lusty desires or sexual thoughts of other people other than their partner. At the most primal level, our animal instinct still calls out to us. An instinct that does not acknowledge social boundaries, accepted norms or predetermined practices of society. An instinct that only seeks to answer one call; the call to mate. I'm suddenly starting to love biology again.

I'm not trying to justify wanting to screw around. Wait, what am I talking about? I AM trying to justify screwing around!! Haha.... 

So unless you are a cold blooded reptile of a man, with really really tiny balls, don't tell me I'm wrong in looking for a fuck buddy!

Cheers.