Secrets....

I hope you don't have any secrets from me.... I don't keep anything from you.

I stare at her... completely taken aback. For a silly second there, I somehow thought she knew everything. But no.. that wasn't it. I looked deeply in her eyes. I am speechless. Two simple lines... and I am speechless. Again, I just look deep in her eyes. I see it. Love... Trust... Vulnerability...With love comes trust, and with trust... comes vulnerability.

Secrets... Yes, I have secrets. Secrets you'll never know. Isn't it funny that that would be the name of this blog? I am sharing things I never intend to share with anyone... but mostly from you. Strangers can know, bloggers can know.. but not you. You can never know.

A sense of guilt, of stupidity, of recklessness overcomes me. "You're a damn idiot, you really are. Why can't you just be happy with what you have? Don't you see the love in her eyes? Don't you hear the vulnerability in her tone?" I told myself.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with others who are reckless with yours.

That's what the song says isn't it? The song you listen to every single morning on the way to work you... Yes it is, you damn hypocrite.

I am insure what to say. I look back at her... I come forward... and I hug her long and hard. "I love you so much... there is nothing dear."

I lie.

There is nothing in my life I keep from her... except this. This strange little refuge I find in staring in front of the screen, divulging my inner thoughts and secrets to complete strangers who in the real world, don't really know who I am, what my life is like, or what I stand for. And yet, these strangers know my deepest insecurities, my darkest secrets, my lustiest wishes... but they remain that... strangers.

Is this blog that big a deal? Is it wrong of me to be keeping a secret account about my life and deliberately hiding it from the one I love most? She knows not of my blogging activities... and I happily keep it that way. The only ones I'm willing to share, are the ones you see on my Facebook.

The problem is not with the blog. The problem is what's IN the blog... thoughts that never see the light of day, things I do behind her back. That's the real thing I'm hiding, that's the real thing that left me speechless; the fact that I could love this woman so much, and yet still keep secrets from her. While she kept nothing from me.. surrendering totally all that she has, keeping no secrets.

It makes me feel like a horrible person. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Has harbouring secrets sexual desires and lusty thoughts become a barrier between us? Why do I have these thoughts and feelings? Am I truly unsatisfied? What am I really looking for? Is it something I just need to get out of my system? Or is it something much deeper than that? Is this a sign of a rot in our relationship? AM I the root cause of this rot?

Why can't I just be simple and whole?

I sit in silence, inching my way through traffic. I turn my radio off. I try to hear myself think. The rain starts falling, and I listen to the raindrops...... the words come back "I don't keep anything from you"..........I switch the radio on... full blast. I sing along.. as loudly as I can... I need to drown out the thoughts that follow those words.

Someone else's words echo in my head.. Something about trying to become someone we're not. Something about being honest with ourselves... Suddenly I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Sex is but a small (albeit important) part of my life. Am I blowing it out of proportion and making it a bigger deal that it really is? So what if I don't get any sex for the next 12 months? So what if I never do a one night stand or find a fuck buddy? So what? There's so much of other things in my life I need to deal with.. a mother stuck in a home, a father thinking of flying away, an discontented brother, an insecure girlfriend, and a confused me who can't even decide if he's really sexually frustrated or not.

Damn it....

Maybe I don't really need a fuck buddy. Maybe I just need a buddy first.

Tracy Chapman - Give me a reason..

I woke up this morning.. and had all sorts of songs in my mind I just wanted to listen to over and over again.

This one song has nothing to do with the theme of this blog, it's purely on a whim....... I'm just in the mood to listen to some blues.. that's all....

Plus,

Don't you just LOVE this song?

Lets Move to Singapore!!

Quick one here...

Switching sex partners a hit with Singaporeans

I'm seriously thinking I should MOVE TO SINGAPORE...Seems to be where all the fun is Hahahaha...

I'll be there next week anyways.

Newsflash : Bangla Orgies in Raub

Three women caught at sex orgy with 19 men

I guess there's more going on in Raub than just plantations....

Gang bang baby!.... Damn, I didn't know these Bangladeshis knew how to have so much fun!!
Hahaha..

On the first day of Hari Raya too! Maybe they were fasting and abstaining from more than just food during the Ramadhan month.

But why only 3 for all 19 dudes? Tak cukup budget izit? Or as it buy two get one free? The women had to stay 2~3 days to 'satisfy the lust of the Bangladeshis'.... :-S Not exactly the kind of assignment you'll look forward to as a prostitute eh? If 19 of them had to pool money to share 3 women, I'm pretty sure the money ain't that good.

Whatever happened to 'satisfying the lust of the Malaysians'?

Cheers to the Bangladeshis, for knowing how to look for a good time, even if they have no money!!

But oh ya.... sorry your party got crashed by the police. Save up your money boys... maybe next time you can afford 4!!

the Crocodile Women....

I’ve always had this fascination about women.

At times, I think they are soft, gentle and sweet… almost to the point of being vulnerable and defenseless. They have this way of making you feel like it’s your duty to be protecting them, holding out doors for them, and running in the rain to fetch the car for them. Something about the way they flick their hair, smile at you and say “Would you please do this for me? “….. And all you can do is oblige. Something about their seemingly petite bodies and sweet faces tend to take you off guard.

Other times, you really feel like you DON’T want to be messing with them. Whether it’s PMS, or a bad hair day, or they’re just feeling particularly bitchy that day, IT’S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT. There is no winning an argument against a woman who’s pissed off.

I mean….. catch a woman on a wrong day, and gone is the sweet exterior… and out comes Medusa, with a full lock of snake hair.. and fangs so long and sharp it’d put Dracula to shame. She has many weapons; bitching, nagging, crying, shouting, silence… and if need be…infliction of physical pain. Different women have different levels of mastery of these skills… and they deploy these methods in varying degrees of intensity depending on what is most effective in any given situation.

Don’t bother trying to confirm this with any women. Some will deny it outright, others aren’t even aware because it comes so naturally to them, they aren’t even conscious about it. Women’s instinct; they always know how to get you by the balls.

Men are usually defenseless in the face of a combination of any 2 of the above methods. But some of our defenses include our unusually thick skulls and small ears. Our brains are well insulated for our protection…..… against you. That’s why we never seem to hear when you talk, cry, shout or nag. And padded groin guards… in case the verbal abuse doesn’t work and you decide a kick in the balls is in order. Unfortunately, there is no defense against the silent treatment. But that’s why we invented football and ESPN.

I have a favourite metaphor I like using when describing some women. It’s that of alligators & crocodiles. No, it’s not about how scary they look without make up (although in some cases, it just may be true). It’s on their character really. You see, crocodiles have a general bad reputation of being literal man eaters… vicious, cunning, opportunistic, aggressive... and just generally nasty nasty little buggers so ancient they’ve outlived the dinosaurs. But crocodiles are quite misunderstood. Despite being cold blooded creatures (ahem..) they are actually very loving and protective creatures…. To their own kind that is. They are the way they are because it’s what they need to do to survive. Crocodiles are fiercely protective over their eggs and hatchlings….. and probably one of the best mothers around. If you want to pay your mom a complement.. buy her a card with an alligator picture. (Just remember to explain it to her, else she think you think her as an old, scaly and cold blooded monster). A crocodile will risk life and limb and chomp up anything that stand between it and the safety of the things it holds dear… things like boyfriends and husbands… oopps.. I mean.. eggs and hatchlings. So ya… at the risk of further raging fury from any female reader, I’ll say this; women are like crocodiles… and I mean that… in the NICEST way. You’re guaranteed 100% safety, protection and tender loving care so long as you’re ‘part of the pack’ as it were… But if you’re NOT, then you’re pretty much lunch… and God help you in your quest.

I’ve never met two women who are alike despite initial looks and appearances. If you’ve met a hundred different women, then there ARE a hundred different puzzles to solve. And unlike those cool jigsaw puzzles that come with the main picture so you at least know what it’s SUPPOSED to look like, there IS NO KNOWING this puzzle until it’s complete, by which time, it’s too late to return the box brader….. Don’t bother trying to generalize or categorizing them or *gasp*… figure them out. Just like other great mysteries of the world like quantum physics and the theory of relativity, the female psyche is something man will never be able to figure out. As soon as we figure one woman out, we realize that there are rules and exceptions applicable for every different woman, in every difference circumstances, for different times of the month. The more you try to understand them, the more complicated it gets…

It’s intriguing to just see how vastly different women can be. Some like strawberry ice cream, others like After Eight Chocolate mint. Some turn into vicious-spawn-from-hell during their PMS while others breeze through it… Some want red roses and romantic dinner, others want your cash and credit card. Some like it when a man takes charge, pays the bill and opens doors for them, others scare the shit out of you and harass you into chauffeuring them around and repairing their toilets. Some can never wait to tie the knot and have half a dozen kids, others would poke you in the eyes and kick you in the balls before you can spell.. B.A.B.Y. Some are complete prudes, who insist cocks are those furry animals that run on two legs that wake you up in the mornings. (but then again, men DO tend to be horny in the mornings, so maybe they were right. lol). Others are complete nymphomaniacs, needing no less than 5 cocks…. I mean… men per session every other night just to stay satisfied. There are such women, I kid you not. Browse around the Singaporean and (to a lesser extent) Malaysian blogosphere and you’ll find it in no time (I’m not posting any links, so you’re going to have to ask me). Geez… the things they do make the things I write look like kindergarten level stuff man……..

Anyway,

The point I’m so painstakingly trying to make is…. There is no figuring women out. Not as a whole anyway. Maybe you can truly figure one WOMAN out… but it still takes time… and you have to do it, person to person. But even figuring one woman out would probably take almost a lifetime (yes they’re THAT complicated sophisticated) and you do only have one lifetime. Quite a quandary isn't it? Here’s the secret;

I read somewhere… that in order to live with a man; you have to love him a little, but try to understand him a lot. In order to live with a woman; you have to try to understand them a little, but love her A LOT.

I’m pretty sure it was just a joke.. but somehow, it sounded quite profound to me. What do you think?

Cheers!

NEW BLOG LAYOUT

No, you didn't load the wrong page.

Yes, you've got the right address.

I've changed my blog template... again.

This time... I've gone for a something a bit different and... 'whitish'.... less depressing and a bit.....well.... less dark and suicidal. LOL.

The last one didn't seem quite right.. but I was too lazy to do anything. Trying to read html is a real pain in the ass..... but I'll try to tweak it here and there if I ever get around to it again.

Meanwhile... welcome to my new layout.

A LooOong Lonely YeAr in Bed...

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Dirty Deed : One down

A stare for a full 2 seconds at the box being handed to me

I paused.. as if hesitating.. but in truth, I had already made up my mind long time ago....Long before I was seated at this table.. long before I was offered it...

its a filthy habit

I grab it.. and they smirk at me... "Now that's more like it" they say.. I read it all over their foreheads...

it's one of the things I never wanted to do...

I take out a stick... It feels so much lighter than I'd expect.. In my huge palms, it looks tiny. I'm not even sure how to hold it.. Is two fingers enough?

it makes your teeth ugly... it's a waste of money.. it causes cancer..

I finally bite it... and ask for a light.. The sassy girl I'm sitting next to offers one.. Special treatment from a beautiful girl... for the guy who's first time it supposedly is....

what if you get addicted? What if you get hooked?

"Fuck it.. I don't care.. It's about fucking time.. I should have got it over with years ago.. " I think to myself..

Is this really me? What the hell am I doing? This isn't me...

"Precisely... it's because this isn't me... That's precisely why I'm doing it.. I'm sick of being so me..... I need to get out of my own skin...."....

I take a deep breath and see the tip of it lighting up.. I feel the smoke go down my throat.. I taste the sweet smell of tobacco....

It's surprisingly easy... I didn't choke. I had expected I would. I hold it in and let it out slowly....

Now you've done it.. What you said you'd do, you happy now?.....

Hell yeah... But I kinda expected more....On the third puff I tried taking it in deeper.. and find myself blowing smoke from my nose.....

"WHAT THE HELL.. I thought you said this is your first time?" she says..

"It IS my first time.. I've never smoked in my life.."

"LIAR.. I've been smoking for years.. and even I don't know how to do that." she says

"Do what?"

"That thing you just did. Blowing it out of your nose. LIAR.." she tells me...

What the fuck? I didn't realize what just happened. Did I just go overboard?

"IT IS MY FIRST TIME..."

"Whatever.. liar.. I think it'd be more obvious if it were your first time.."

Whatever.... believe what you want. I'm not here to prove anything.. not to you anyway..

So I finally took my first puff, a damn 5 years after puberty.. talk about late bloomers. Shit, I think I have a lot of catching up to do. I'm not a smoker.. I just smoke. There's a difference...

Hacks sweets and mints comes out and gets distributed.. pfftt.. of course... to hide the smell. Looks like I wasn't the only one with a secret to hide.

Start smoking? Check

One down......

Two more to go....

Sex in the twilight years

Have you ever wondered how sex would be like for you 30~40 years down the line from today? When you're all old and wrinkled, your skin doesn't seem to fit your body and your hair is turning gray. Would you still feel sexy and horny like you do now? Will your erection be as half as hard as it is now or last half as long? Will your boobs be so sagging they only ever point south? Is doing the cowgirl going to break your back and crush my bones?

Truth be told, I haven't thought about it much at all... and I don't plan to for another 20 years at least..

I'm adamant on enjoy all the sex I have now, while my body is still in its prime and I haven't gone senile. I want to savour every kiss, remember every touch and engrave every sensation into my mind. From the softness of her lips, the smell of her hair, the gentleness of her skin, to the firmness of her breast as I caress it, the warmth of her pussy as I penetrate her and oh... the 'unbelievable-out-of-this-world-fuck-your-brains-silly' pleasures when she takes my cock in her mouth sucking greedily, gently gliding up and down with her lips while rolling her tongue over my dick head. I want to enjoy all of this as much and as often as possible while I'm still looking like someone you'd go to bed with (even if it's just barely, lol) without having to ask for 5 shots of whiskey first... And you still looks like some semblance of a woman with feminine curves and charms as oppose the typical fat old 'ah ma's' you see in the morning market carrying their baskets and umbrellas

Hopefully, when if I do reach 60.. I'd have had enough sex to last a lifetime.. if that were even possible and would not have to fret about it too much about a non existent sex life.... Also, by which time, I guess it's only natural that our sex drive isn't quite like it is right now.. constantly on overdrive.

But if I were to still be (somewhat) sexually active in my old age, capable of nothing more exciting than cheekily squeezing my partners breast in front of a camera, I'd ask for nothing more except to be just to be as happy and as content as this man and woman you see above..