Better Fitting Condoms

Better Fitting Condoms


Better fitting condoms eh? I suppose they could start selling them in different sizes for a better fit. Sounds like a good idea on the surface... but it has some pretty potentially embarrassing moments. Can you imagine?

You're a guy. You walk into the store, you do all the usual stuff you do when buying a condom, EXCEPT.. now you have to choose a size. Now, if you're.. ahem... well endowed... OK la.. but what if you unfortunately belong in the lower end of the 'penis size' band? HMMMMM?

Cashier : What size you need?

Small Penis Dude (SPD) : Erm... xs

Casier : What did you say?

SPD : I said.. xs

Cashier : Oh.. I see. So that's one packet of XS SIZED CONDOMS. Anything else for you sir? (secretly laughing his ass off)

SPD : (Covering his face running out the store in tears)

Lesson : Please stick to the one size fits all condom DUREX. It not meant to fit our penises but our egos.

Waking Up is the Hardest Part

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When you're dreaming with a broken heart

Then waking up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering was she really here?

Is she standing in my room?

No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Have you ever had days mornings like that? Mornings where you just feel you're not up to going through the day.. because you feel like you don't have the strength to live through it.. at least for that day. You don't want to hear about how there's so much more to life to enjoy. You don't want to hear that you'll feel better if only you got your sorry ass up and start living life out there in the great big world. You just want to cover your face with a pillow and wait for life to pass you by.

I feel like I've just been rudely awaken from a dream. A short, sweet, wonderful little dream. The kind so vivid you find yourself wondering if was really a dream at all. The kind so intense, so real the emotions that went with it somehow gets imbued in your heart and you can somehow recall exactly how you felt, long after it's over. In the dream, you're flying.. you're soaring through the air.. and in dreams, it's impossible to fall, it's impossible to crash. You look straight at the eye of the sun with your naked eye, you feel it's fire and warmth passing through your body. You close your eyes and let the entire experience sink in and you feel the sensation fully penetrating your body. Every touch, every sound, every look, every laugh sets off a spark in your heart. And somehow, you feel more alive in that dream that you did when awake.

And then you wake up.... suddenly and abruptly. And soon, reality comes crashing down on your like violent waves over a rocky shore. Reality bites... and most of the time, it hurts. You shove your head under the pillow, in vain attempt to somehow go back to that dream. It's futile.  Dreams are impossible to repeat.. even fools know that. But hearts are often stubborn; it works on it's own terms, and learns at it's own pace. In many ways, I have a silly little heart; hopelessly idealistic and perhaps a tad out of sync with reality. A foolish little heart that stubbornly wants to dream on.... Stupid eh?

Who would have thought a dream could touch your heart so deeply and affect you so greatly. A dream so vivid it felt almost like reality. Or was it a reality so amazing it felt more like a dream? On some days, it really felt like both were true. And that my dear........ is the honest truth.

When Minutes Fill An Eternity.

Has it really been just a month since the new year? It feels so much longer than that.

I think it was C.S Lewis that said "The future is something that everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is."

For once, I actually disagree with him. YOU try feeling lonely, wistful and forlorn every other night. YOU try letting go of what your heart aches and so desires for and then tell me at what rate that hour seems to pass. I know the hour is still filled with sixty minutes but when your heart is in turmoil,  but sitting through every single one of those minutes takes such an effort.

A much quoted line from the series Dawson's Creek "Letting go isn't a one-time thing, it's something you have to do everyday, over and over again."

People always imagine letting go as a one time thing; a one off decision you just got to bring your heart to accept. And once you arrive at that point where you feel you are ready to let go, you do it. You let go. And you think the worse is over.

But no, that's really just the start. You find yourself waking up the next morning still wanting the very thing you just let go. Again, you struggle and struggle to tame your unyielding heart. By the end of the day, you are tired and drained. But at least, you did it. Through sheer will power, you managed to let go, again. But for a good few days, you find yourself retreating into a shell. You're exhausted. You feel detached from the world. Your heart; too spent to feel anything. Yes, you function, you work, you socialize, but looking at your own frowning reflection in the mirror alone at night, you and you alone know the reason why the smiles form on your face, but not in your heart.

Some days you think you're on the right track. You find moments to be genuinely happy about here and there; friends that genuinely love you, time bonding with your family, a productive day at work, good food, enjoyable evenings out. They help lift your spirits... and you think maybe you can do this. Maybe it's not that hard. Maybe you've finally found the courage and the strength you need to let go.. for real this time.

But the frustrating thing about our emotions is, it's always playing tricks on you... or at least, that's how it seems. Because believe it or not, you still find yourself sitting in the dead of the night thinking thoughts you shouldn't, wanting things you really should stay far away from........ yearning for people you swore you will never hurt again. Before you know it, your heart is raging its own battle all over again... the same one you thought you had just conquered. But this time, your battered heart isn't as strong as it was when the first battle was fought... and yet, you already know the outcome that must prevail. You know what you must do despite it getting harder instead of easier. But like a solider fighting more out of obligation than conviction, you don't really want to be there, you don't really want to win this battle anymore. You just want to surrender, you just want to give in.

I guess here's the most frustrating part; what you want the most, is sometimes the very thing you mustn't have. And having to remind yourself of that fact every single morning is bound to drain you in one way or another. Its what really makes the day drag on and on. It's what really makes your heart tired and spent all the time. Its what really makes sixty minutes add up to an hour, but fill up an eternity.

Good night world.

Horny Engineers & the KL Tower

You know...

I was just reading the other day about how pharmaceutical companies are trying to come up with a pill that helps men last longer in bed and prevent Premature Ejaculation (PE). What's PE? In a nutshell... it's when a guy cums too fast, too soon. This usually happens when a guy is over excited and for some reason or another, has totally no control over when or how he cums. He may still be young, inexperienced, just plain dumb, has no understanding of his equipment, has a medical problem, can't control his excitement.....or all of the above.

OR... he could just not give a shit and just wants to cum as soon as possible to his own satisfaction. In which case, I believe the proper medical diagnosis isn't PE, but C.A... as in Complete Asshole. Take my word for it... if you're in bed with a guy who just wants to fuck for his own satisfaction... the next time he wants some from you ladies, ask him to knock himself out with a jelly doughnut or something.

Anyway, I was contemplating writing a letter to these pharmaceutical companies alerting them how wrong they are in the direction of their research. The world doesn't need pills to solve PE. These little boys just need to learn how to handle their equipment properly.

What they really need to invent, and what I really need.... is ANTI-HORNY PILLS......

I'm sure there's a market for that. There are tonnes of people aren't getting any due to occupational circumstances. And not just the usual suspects like monks and priest... even engineers. Being horny on the job can be quite hazardous as an engineer. It is known to have some pretty disastrous effects. Sex tends to seep into their work in very subtle ways.

You want proof? The next time you're in KL.... look at the skyline and take a good look at the KL Tower. What do you think was the true inspiration behind that design? A bloody erected cock needing some attention that's what.

So ya... anti horny pills would come in pretty handy.

And if you really need to know...

YES. I'M HORNY.

Moments that Take Front Seat

I used to love this show so much.I just remembered why

**********************************

I was loosing her

Guess I knew I had to but....

I want to stay, you know that. You got to know that more than anything...

But there was nothing more I could say except 

"I'm sorry......"

"I'm not..."

I wanted to stay there in that night 

more than anything I'd wanted before

But I knew I couldn't 

I was 15, I slept under a roof my father own, 

in a bed my father bought

Nothing was mine, 

except my heart, 

and my fears 

and my growing knowledge

That not every road was going to lead home anymore

*********************************

Moments like that never really leave you

You try burrowing them at the very back of your mind

But they often end up taking a front row seat in your heart 

Sexual Prowess 101

Listen up boys..... 

Two words : Sexual prowess

Simply put, it's your skill or stamina pertaining to sex.

Guys are competitive by nature in almost everything they do. Everything from how fast you run, how heavy you can lift, and even how far you can pee.... everything's a competition. Even sex becomes competitive sport. All men, I repeat, ALL MEN strive to become good lovers. And a big part of being a good lover is being good in bed. Now believe it or not, more than the number of women he can bed, a big chunk of a man’s ego is measured by his ability to satisfy them in bed. This is why everywhere in the world, we men seemed preoccupied over how good we are in bed. When I say how good we are, it means that if we are BAD in bed… we don’t want to know about it. Our fragile little egos can’t really handle that sort of failure. That’s why it ends up become the first thing on our minds, but last thing on our lips.

The problem with trying to measure sexual prowess: there are no quantifiable measurements. Imagine a guys line of thought; his ego is inexplicably linked to his performance in bed. He wants to know, but he’s also too terrified to ask. And on the other side, woman hardly go around telling men how good they are ‘performing’ because they don’t see it that way. And in addition, different women probably find different things pleasurable. So the man struggles in trying to find his own way of measuring his sexual prowess. Something he can measure across the field. He doesn’t just want to know; he NEEDS to know.

So what does he do? He falls back on the things he DOES know, which isn’t that much, but hopefully adequate. And what’s the most fundamental topic men who try to claim themselves to be men have good knowledge in? You guessed it: SPORTS. If marathons are about how fast you run and weight lifting is about how heavy you can carry…. hmmMMMm.. then surely sexual prowess is about how long you can last right? And if ending a race means crossing a finish line, then wrapping up your sex session must be the woman reaching orgasm right? Bingo! So the man concludes that that the longer you can last in bed, the higher the chance of her having an orgasm and the better you are. Simple, quantifiable, measurable; just the way a man likes his world to be. He now officially thinks he’s a god damn genius. Not since the theory of relativity has any man come to such a profound discovery.

Unfortunately, it all starts going downhill from there.

First, he discovers that he can’t last long enough. From highly reliable sources (namely porn), he knows that he needs to go at it for a good 30 minutes before the woman can come to a screaming orgasm. He of course ignores the fact that he actually also needs a 10” cock the size of a police baton (fragile egos remember). He tries, but discovers that the harder you try, the more nervous you get. The more nervous you get, the harder it is to stay erect (that kinda rhymes eh?). This of course results in an epic failure and he will cower away in shame for a good few days before attempting it again. His ego is on the line. But being a resourceful man, he thinks of ways to last longer; jacking off before sex, slowing down, doing math equations in his head, recite poetry… anything to ward off the impending explosion just a while longer… At least until she comes first…. THEN all hell can break loose.That's what he will keep telling himself "Just hold out until she comes..."

He first last for 2 minute during penetration; measly by any standards. Through sheer determination, he works his way up to 5 minutes….. but no orgasm. He tries harder and last 10 minutes…. Still no orgasm. He pulls out all the stops, solves 2 dozen quadratic equations and through sheer superhuman effort, last a good 20 minutes. Lo and behold…. NO ORGASM.

FUCK.

Something’s not right. But men aren’t quitters. He’s built to solve problems. If he can build the freaking pyramids, he can certainly do this. He calls in his chums.. and together, they spend billions of dollars in pharmaceutical research. They invent a little blue pill that will get him hard as a stick for hours on end. HAHA! Now you’re screwed my dear (no pun intended). If this doesn't make you come, nothing will. Of course, they have to mask they true intentions by telling the world it’s made for the old geezers who can’t get it up at all.

He pops the pill…. And the next round, he last a good hour. He comes repeatedly, but is still able to stay erect. Surely, this is it. Surely he has conquered. Surely she will………what’s that???

NO ORGASM? WHAT THE FUCK MAN?

He can't figure it out for the life of it.. So the woman... now suffering from a sore vagina and hearing way too many quadratic equations in bed, puts an end to all his crap and sets it straight once and for all to the man. She tells him two things:


Firstly, women don’t necessarily orgasm the longer you fuck. In fact, sometimes it just gets sore if it’s taking too long and she’s not enjoying it. It’s more on how good you are at doing it rather than how long you can keep at it. You would have done better learning how to spot what she likes, and what makes her feel good. Pushing the same button repeatedly no matter how long isn’t going to help if it’s the wrong fucking button.

Men’s reaction : WHAAAAAAATTTT????!!!!! There's more than one button???

Then the next second even more earth shattering truth.….. (take a deep breath men)

For women, having an orgasm isn’t a MUST every single time. It’s out of this world, and she most certainly enjoys it.... but if it doesn’t come… it’s can still be good and satisfying for the woman. You don’t have to beat yourself up if she doesn’t come like clockwork. An intense but pleasurable 10 minute fuck beats 45 minutes of mechanical fucking hands down.And you can always go at it AGAIN later.....

Men’s reaction : NO SHIT!! REALLY????!!! WTF??!!!!! We're allowed to do it AGAIN? *faint*

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And back he goes to square one. But at least he learns a few things. 

#1 Sports analogies don't work for everything.
(You now need to stop worshipping ESPN)

#2 Porn movies are total fucking liars.
(You've always suspected those 10" cocks were CGI generated anyway)

#3 It's better to hear it straight from the horses woman's mouth
(In other words...... you should have just asked her in the first place Romeo)


*disclaimer*
I'm not a woman. I don't pretend to understand woman's sexuality very well. I might have gotten some things wrong about women and what they like in bed. If you're a woman, and have something to add or correct, you can say it or share it here to the benefit & education of all men.